I feel as though I'm falling away.
Is this all I am?
My poetry is dark.
My soul is dark.
My energy is dark.
All I want is light.
Something, anything, that might bring a little bit of brightness.
I have children.
I love them, and yet....
Nothing takes this away.
I don't want this.
I shouldn't feel this.
I used to be fire.
Everything that stood in my way was burned down.
And now.....I'm stuck.
If I'm still fire I'm surrounded by water with no way out.
Just bring me an island.
I just want to burn again.
Why do I hate myself?
Why do I hate myself?
It's not like this is what I wanted out of life.
I've tried so very hard to be happy with myself.
I've tried so hard to fight away the darkness inside of me.
Looking at others who don't seem to have a single worry makes me sick.
I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror and these...things just walk around as if they have no issues in themselves.
Why?
Why them?
Why not me?
Why must I be the one who cries alone at night?
It's not fair.
Watching as the world revolves, changes, and yet I stay stagnant in my state of melancholy.
It's like watching everyone else grow old and yet you remain a child.
And I'm the child that was never wanted so I just feel even more hatred for remaining this way.
I can't escape.
I can only ask myself....why?
His First Soul
I stared as her eyes started to slowly open. Watching her closely, I tried to memorize every move. She would be my first. She would set the bar for all the rest, so I needed to know how she reacted. At first, nothing. Then slight confusion. Finally, full blown panic.
A gag prevented screams so the room was filled with muffled cries. Ropes strong enough to bind a gorilla held her down on the metal slab. Nonetheless, limbs flailed about uselessly and long red hair flew around in a rage. A sudden cough from my lips and everything turned into stillness. Watery green eyes found my figure and the her face contorted so beautifully into one of fear.
"Good morning, love". My words were soft, inviting, deceiving. "You must be frightened. Don't you worry. I'm going to make it all better".
I moved slowly. The fear never left her eyes. In fact, she had become horrified. She had caught a glimpse of what was in my left hand. The blade was long and sharpened to the point, so that slicing the head off a steer would be simple work. But, unfortunately for her, death would not come quickly.
I started with her legs. So long and soft. Very well taken care of. Then again, for a woman of 25, that was to be expected. The steel of the blade, pressed so delicately against her thigh, drew forth the most delicious trail of red. More muffled screams.
As the blood began to pool, I moved the knife upward, stopping just above her hip. I stabbed roughly into her and pulled down, treasuring the sound of metal against bone. This time her scream was almost audible. I laughed, and it was the happiest laugh I had ever heard escape my lips. This was exhilarating. Something I had dreamed so often and it was finally happening. I was in control, I held the power over life, and I was going to make sure that I watched as it leaked out of this useless sack of flesh in front of me.
Her blood was everywhere and yet, her eyes still held life within them. One more step. One last move to complete the task I had set out to accomplish, and I was ready for it. I slid the blade up, pressing down the whole way to create a slice not deep enough to kill, but deep enough for the sweet liquid I craved to ooze out. As she tried to scream I made my last cut, straight across her lovely neck.
Blood spewed everywhere over me, but it wasn't to be bothered with. My eyes stayed focused on hers as her soul started to leave her. I watched as the life within her eyes dimmed and her pupils no longer moved. I watched as her body, which had been flailing and straining with all its might, stilled. She was gone, and I had finally taken my first soul, my first soul of many.