loving you, if thats what you can call it..

was crazy. like driving through a storm.

i couldnt see two feet in front of me

and i always felt afraid of the outcome

but every once in a while, i would drive under a bridge.

and everything got kind of quiet, and peaceful

and i felt like i could weather any weather for you.

but then the rain would beat against my windshield again

and the thunder would shake the car

and the lightening would blind me for a moment

and i realized, you cant love a storm.

"you're just so.. pretty

the word slips off of your tongue like poison

like somehow i am to blame for being pretty.

i watch as the lust darkens your eyes

and i tremble because I've never felt this frightened before.

and i remember how time stood still,

everything frozen in place.

and i remember my five year old brain

associating being pretty

with people taking what they wanted.

except now im fourteen, and pretty is all i want to be.

except for when he groans it into my ear

and my high brain begins associating being pretty with consent

and now im almost 16, and he never dares call me pretty

except for when im stoned and lying there, crying

because i cant be sure if i said yes, but i dont remember saying no.

and i start associating being pretty with love and everything is so hazy, why am i here?

and now im seventeen, and strangers call me pretty and my stomach sinks

because surely, they cant mean that

surely, they cant expect that i owe them something

im seventeen, and being pretty feels like a fucking curse

at age 5

i was worthless, a mistake.

no good, a life ruiner

but i was oh so pretty

at age 9

i made you sick

i shouldve been aborted, i brought nothing but pain

but i was so beautiful

at age 13

i was sick and a whore

i couldnt do anything right

and i was still beautiful, but far too old

at age 15

i was numb, and so sad

i was worthless and meaningless

and nobody would love me

but i was still so pretty

at age 17

i dont feel pretty, i cannot

stand the face in the mirror that youve ruined for me.

You loved me like poison.

Slipping into my veins.

Slowly taking over my blood.

Seeping into my brain.

Dangerous and painful.

My favorite pain in the world.

You loved me like Hell.

Torturous and slow.

All the fire of a raging romance

But in the end,

I'm the one left feeling numb.

Loving you was like Icarus,

flying too close to the sun.

I knew I would get burned.

But I couldn't avoid your blinding light.

I needed to be closer to your warmth.

Even though you scorched me.

Like unclaimed territory.

You marked me.

And marks like those don't fade.

the first time we spoke

my heart started to thaw

the last time we spoke

my hands were trembling

the first time we laughed

my stomach hurt for days

the last time we laughed

it was barely a chuckle in passing

the first time we kissed

the fourth of july was behind my eyes

the last time we kissed

my lips tasted bittersweet after

its hard to love the first time

when the last time feels like this

he loves me

the brown of my eyes

he loves me not

the way i run when i feel fear

he loves me

the way i cover my mouth when i laugh

he loves me not

that i cant hear certain words

he loves me

the indents that mark my cheeks

he loves me not

how i scream when he touches me

he loves me

how i curl into his side every night

but how can he love me

when he doesnt love me?