Lost?
You know, I think that I think too much. There is so much noise in my brain but I can hardly ever make sense of what the noise is or what it’s saying.
Every good story I have to tell is either way too personal, already been told too much, I can’t remember it, or a mix of those three. You know I’ve heard of blink-182 but I’ve never listened to them until today. It’s one song but I think I’m addicted. It’s kinda the right kind of sad and poppy music I need at the moment. It’s called Let Me Down. They are singing with Oliver Tree, I’ve never heard of him. Getting lost in the right music is bliss. If I play it loud enough the static of my mind is harder to hear. Normally, that static is just there, it doesn't bother me. But right now everything is getting to me. You know I feel like it’s ironic that I’m reading (great) a book called The Gifts of Imperfection - it’s pretty much a self-help book - but I feel worse now than when I started reading. Granted, the two probably have nothing to do with each other but you can’t say you don’t see the irony.
I have a bunch of stuff on the wall of my bedroom, I’m pretty sure it’s a fire hazard. I have a bunch of awards I got to like the green bookworm award I got at the end of 7th grade and the participation award for playing volleyball last year. It just kinda makes me sad right now. I’m not really getting that validation right now and I think it’s starting to take a toll. I don’t think a lot of people get what school is for me. It’s really just a place for me to have people tell me “Wow, you are such a great student,”. I mean, don’t get me wrong I love to learn but the validation is most definitely my favorite part.
I feel like that should be really obvious because I tell the story all the time about how I really wanted an award in 4th grade and some other girl got it. I was so angry. I remember how they said that she was so polite. She even said “Thank you,” after she had sneezed and someone said, “Bless you.” So, from then on - meaning about a month after she got that award (I didn’t want to seem like a copycat)- I said “Thank you'' to the people who said “Bless you” after I sneeze.
She Wished Not To Be
Leaves rustle in the light breeze and
soft, sad music plays.
She sits in the grass
alone in a world so huge.
Her mind wandering to
thought.
Her thoughts run wild
like a frog- jumping
from one lily pad to the next.
She thinks of expectation and insecurity,
validation and perfectionism,
people-pleasing and maturity.
Everyone sees her as the
"good things" she
wishes not
to be.
Or, she really is everything
she wished not to be.
Brain Throw-up
I pluck grass while laying in it.
"I don't need validation" but I'll cling to it like a leach.
"I don't care what they think" but l exceeded each expectation.
"I am honest" but I'm Apate when it comes to myself.
I stare up at the blue sky.
I don't know why; she can't answer my questions.
I look to you
and I feel more lost now.
I wish to be perfect in the most imperfect sense,
I wish to do things rightfully, always.
My only problem is-
there just happens to be something wrong with everything,
perfection is a myth.
Well, fuck this.
Footnotes:
In Greek mythology, Apate is the personification of deceit.
Footnotes:
In Greek mythology, Apate is the personification of deceit.hology, Apate is the personification of deceit.
Advernture?
Good morning. What are you doing today?
I plan to sleep 'til noon and then do absolutely nothing all day.
How do you plan to sleep until noon? It's 8 right now.
Normal people do this thing called going back to sleep when they get up too early.
So, you're saying that you don't want to go on an adventure with me today?
What would we do on this "adventure"?
I don't know. Not knowing is what makes it fun.
Jess, I love you but no.
Becca, I love you too but I'm already here. And I have flowers.
Hey Kid
Hey Kid,
How are you? I really do want to know how you are doing and don’t you dare lie to me if you aren’t okay. It’s okay to not be okay. Remember that: it’s okay to be sad. I’m not doing the best either but I’m going to be alright.
Kid, keep living. That is the only real advice I can give you. Do want you to want to do. Be who you want to be. The only person you are going to have to spend forever with is yourself. You are the only person, you can’t run from; no matter how hard you try. There is so much I want to say to you, so much I wish I could tell you. I’ll never have the time to tell it all. You are strong, a lot stronger then you think you are. I know at times this world seems so horrible and awful. I’m telling you right now, just keep living. If the stories on the news or Instagram are making you think that life is too awful, turn it off. Turn it off and find beauty, hope. You might not see it at first but you will find it if you try. I promise there is so much beauty out there. You have to keep living but don’t do it for me. Live for yourself. Live because you can. Live because there is so much that you can do. There is so much to live for.
How about this- I dare you to make a bucket list. I dare you to start completing said bucket list. Do things that are fun. Go run in the overgrown field, worry about the bugs, and get in trouble for being in the field. Go spend a night alone getting to know yourself- who you are and who you want to be. Go tell your mom that you love her, that you can’t stand the sound of her chewing, or write her a letter telling her how much you miss her or how much you don’t. Go be. Go do stupid things. Don’t ever get too old to play tag. Keep living. If you can’t find beauty then learn to make your own.
Keep living because this world needs you. I need you. I know you don’t really know me but just know I care. Kid, you have so much power and so much life. Use it, use the life. All I really know is that you never know what will happen, so you have to live now. Right now! Living is so many different things. Living isn’t always being the life of the party. Life can be spending a day alone. Life can be reading a book or running around a small town you’ve never been too with a new friend.
Just. Keep. Living. Because what else can you do?
Love,
Just another kid
The Downside of Being An Independent Hopeless Romantic
I know it's been said before.
I know I'm not the first
and surely not the last
(to feel this)
but as much
as I hide it under
projects,
work,
school,
clubs,
sports,
friends,
family,
idiotic responsibilities.
As much
as I say I don't
the only thing
I really want
is someone to love me
the way I'll love them.
But there is something
in me that says
"You'll never have that.
You are too much.
Too much skin,
too many opinions,
too many beliefs,
too much heart,
and as long
as you say this way
no one will be able
to handle the storm
in your mind,
in your heart.
So, learn to take care
of yourself.
No one will ever love you
the way you love them."
the mirror
the mirror scares me now.
the lady looking back at me
she's not who I want her to be.
the mirror scares me now.
i don't know when it happened
but i hate myself now.
the mirror scares me now.
i guess i'm late to the party.
let's drown in the pity.
the mirror scares me now.
my hair never
looks right anymore.
the mirror scares me now.
my eyes are always
emotionless.
the mirror scares me now.
my stomach is too
fat, it always has been.
the mirror scares me now.
everything i could live with before
makes me want to die now.
the mirror scares me now.
let me smash it to pieces.
made then i'll look fine.