i was my happiest when i was invisible.

when i blended in with the background and faded from sight.

i was my happiest when everyone wondered what happened to me, wondered where i went and what i was doing.

i was my happiest when the only relationship i was concerned with was the one with myself.

i want to fade back to version of me. answer to no one and blend into the background of life once again.

that is how i protect myself. i remove myself from view, build up a wall so high that no one can even look over it and see me inside.

i want to burrow, escape, become invisible.

i want to live life in my blissful bubble and only expose myself to the harshness of reality on my own terms.

i feel myself succumbing to the anxieties and stress of the world around me once again, a product of trying to force myself to be the girl i used to be, the girl that i am no longer.

now, i am just a woman who wishes to be invisible.

those days following heartbreak

are some of the most magical

yet most painful

for you are unfurling

revealing your old self you were before your heart belonged to another

you are saying hello to an old version of yourself

breaking down the walls of what you once new

and welcoming a new version of yourself

its all so exciting yet so painful

and so so worth it

its been the year of snaps.

of sudden realizations

of earth shattering truths and revelations.

its been a year of boundaries and "im no longer putting up with this"

its been a year of "im worth its" and disappearances

its been a year of realizing what not longer serves me and what fills my cup

of being true to myself and not following what everyone else says is up.

its been a year of exploring my soul,

the deep depths of it that i've always been too afriad to touch.

its been a year of honoring my dreams and who i want to be.

of showing my inner child, that this is what we could be.

its been a year of shattering the known

and full heartedly and unabashedly stepping into the unknown.

/enna.paz

when she looks in the mirror she sees the thousands of lives she lived reflected back at her, each one of them recognizable in their own way. each of them serving their own purpose to help her become who she has blossomed into today.

as she raises her hand to touch her reflection, a different hand grasps hers each time telling her its okay to let go of them, that they loved their time with her but that it's now time to move on.

'you're destined for greater things' they whisper in her ear. 'let go and it will all unfold.'

so she lets go, falling backwards into a version of herself she hasn't yet met. a scary trust in the unknown that she has come to accept as the only constant in her life.

/enna.paz

i wish i could describe the way i feel when my body begins to shed with the moon each month.

its like feeling empty and full all at once.

out of touch but totally in tune all at the same time.

like i can see myself clearly for once, but i don't recognize the girl i see reflected back to me in the mirror.

/enna.paz

gazes that exchange a thousand words.

skin that reads like a novel.

laughter that is understood in all languages.

sighs that say i love you.

tears of understanding.

kisses of undying love.

hidden smiles full of inside jokes.

embraces of comfort and protection.

soulmates have no language

yet all of them at once.

/enna.paz

with boredom

comes contemplation.

with contemplation

comes ideas.

with ideas

comes creativity.

with creativity

comes...

love. adventure. rawness. vulnerability. self reflection.

so many good things come from being bored.

/enna.paz

in the dark of the night,

she rose.

from the ashes burnt by the sun,

she was reborn.

rebirth.

both day and night.

a switch of her head,

meant a switch of fate.

lightness and darkness.

purity and lust.

she was everything

all at once.

/enna.paz