a poem i wrote for my english class, inspired by Jennae Cecelia

I met my younger self for coffee at 10:15

He was right on time, I was super late.

He looked almost exactly the same as I do now, except that he had bright blonde hair and no scraggly mustache or crappy almost-beard and he was wearing turtle shell glasses with purple arms.

He had no idea what to expect and was hoping I had answers. I told him I had some but the rest was for him to figure out.

He didn't like that. I didn't like that either. I wanted to tell him exactly what would happen in the next 10 years and exactly what he should do to carve out the exact imaginary outcome I wish I was living right now, but I know that's not how it works. We both sat at the table looking down at our coffee feeling disappointed for a while.

He had just moved to Colorado and was missing home. He had friends for the first time and was angry about having to leave them.

I could see the obsessions and compulsions pulling at his mind, swerving his focus away from the conversation like an out of control driver trying their best not to crash. He didn't know what it was, he thought everyone's brain was like that all the time. He felt like he was a burden. I wished I could pull them all out of him.

I wonder how he'd react if he could see me as I know myself now, the image of myself that I've carried in my head for years of the woman I will become. I honestly don't think he'd be surprised, he might even laugh about it. I wish I could've laughed instead of being terrified.

He'll figure a lot out soon, and it might be okay. I wanted to fast forward both of us to the future, to a time and place where we are safe to be ourselves. He would be so happy. I would be so happy to see him like that. He was so exhausted all the time and he was definitely going to crash and burn soon if he kept going and I could see on his face he didn't know how to swim up to the surface, all I wanted was for him to relax and breathe and rest and laugh a little and stop fighting himself. I want the same thing for me too.

He finished his coffee, ran out of things to say, pulled out his phone and earbuds and started watching YouTube videos. Right in front of me. I can't believe I used to do that. Things like this are why I don't meet with my younger self often, he has no social skills and no self awareness and it embarrasses me deeply. For a moment all of the sympathy and pity drains out of me and I really feel like slapping him in the face and pulling his earbuds out and yelling at him in front of everyone in this restaurant. A moment later that feeling goes away too and I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I wished I could meet him without the weight of that anger and self-hatred on my head, I wished it didn't feel like my default response to him. I don't know why I always do this, I know that without him there would be no me, but he's so different to me that it fills me with disgust. I know that's not fair to him but I can't help it. Why can't he just know what I know, why can't we have the same knowledge of ourselves at all times? I hate looking at him and seeing a version of myself that hasn't developed to the same stage as me.

Once I finished my coffee I tried to reassure him, wish him good luck and tell him that everything works out well even if most of it is hard and scary. He listened and nodded at me, but I don't think he believed me. I stood up from the table, got my stuff, and walked to the door. He might have looked at me as I left but he probably didn't.