Funny you should ask about being a misfit. This is a thought that has weighed heavily on me lately. With every passing year, I feel less connected to others. Blame it on social media and technology if you like. If you ask me, this is who I’ve always been. Being accepted or acceptable has never been on my agenda, when I really think about my core values. Maybe that’s why I’m such a homebody now. I don’t look forward to going out to events to deal with crowds of people and loud music. They hype it up on the radio, with banners and signs….then most times it’s a mediocre disappointment. I went through a phase where people and events were appealing, or maybe I just temporarily fooled myself into thinking I liked it. Now, I’m back at equilibrium. My books. My quiet. My home. My peace.

And it isn’t that I hate people. But I like certain people. The close meaningful connections with the ones who listen and understand what a conversation is. NOT those who like the sound of their own voice and choose the quiet, introverted soul out of the crowd to yap to death about nothing without taking one breath! These exhausting people, I can do without. I love those who I don’t have to “show out” for. I like the ones I can be me around…I don’t have to find some angle to gain their approval. Yes, these are the ones I love. The hardest part about life is dealing with people that you'd rather not deal with on any level. To keep a job, to make others comfortable… you have to put on so many “hats."

But even with the people I connect well with, for my mental health, long breaks from even them are incredibly therapeutic. I can’t imagine being married with children. Too much noise and even more responsibilities than I have now! No thanks. At times I worry that this could backfire on me. Will even those close to me grow tired of my need for time away? Will they find me selfish and inconsiderate? Now we’re back in this game of “approval.” Finding the balance between independence and “bending” just enough to continue healthy relationships can be delicate.

Getting it together

Is easier said than done,

I want to travel a different path in life

But damn, which one?

Internet searches

Sleepless midnight ponders

Overthinking everything

A sentiment of going under

Will I reach an epiphany soon?

My daily world an oversized thought balloon

I've tried and tried

To find clarity in this emotional tide

Bright skies and heat

Less clothes, feeling free

Kayaks and canoes in water

Amusement parks and cold treats

The longest of days

Sometimes a little haze

Beautiful gardens and sun rays

On the beach, vacation stays

Kids out of school

Dips in pools

Rooftop parties

Night skies, starry

Convertible tops down

Festivals galore

Outdoor concerts

Carnivals and more

Always sad when it ends

But great that it does

Otherwise, how would we appreciate

How great summer really was?

Walking through a house, unknown to me

A sturdy, masculine figure emerges

He wears all black, but his skin is milky

He approaches

Our bodies converge

I'm against the wall

His body restrains me, his knee begins to emerge

To hold me, passionately in place,

As he moves in for a slow kiss

I feel safe, secure and loved

But protected, most of all

A feeling I quite miss

Lifted you when you were down

Asked for the same from you

Selfish and deceptive

All you did was clown

The names you called me

Like the hypocrite you are

What goes around comes around

You won’t get too far

The beauty….you won’t know how or when

And truthfully neither will I

Though cutting ties with you

Ha! On the list of things to do before I die

They say karma’s a bitch

Of me you said the same

She’s coming for you

Look in the mirror to place the blame