Ten fingers,

ten toes

two eyes

and a nose

healthy cry

tiny feet

little mouth

with which to eat

No happier in life

will I ever be

than this moment,

she thought lovingly.

Some years later

she finds she was wrong

listening as accolades

of her son are sung –

No happier in life

will I ever be

than this moment,

she thought lovingly.

Then, one day

she hears him interviewed

he praises his dad’s diligence

and his mom’s kindness, too –

heart bursting with pride

and joy at his words

filled with delight

for the views that she’s heard

No happier in life

will I ever be

than this moment,

she thought lovingly…

Perhaps this is it

the “happiest” days are behind

the beautiful memories

just shadows in her mind;

she’s hopeful the burdens and sorrows to come

won't obscure the joys of the past;

the key will be to remember with fondness not sadness,

to make the essence of the happiest days ever last.

my chest inhabits colorful page

after page

of backpacking through weeks worth of

flowers

of sitting alone with my head in my sunburnt hands

squinting my eyes against suffocating rainfall,

thinking to myself

dammit, this sucks.

of laying in this sleeping bag

who's zipper broke off long ago

staring at the cosmo

remembering all the faces i left behind.

inside of my chest my heart yearns

for loneliness.

my ribs hold it back,

a petty fight between heart

and head.

my chest inhabits colorful page

after page

of months sucked dry of anger

or of sadness

but replaced with

plentiful grasses and trees and

wind so fucking cold

i wish i had gone to college

so i could afford that nice coat

but at least mine smells like myself

and inside of it,

i am home

swept away with a current of

expectation

carrying me far

from second guessing.

my happiness has always been freedom

my passions have always been

watered down with

paychecks and

fast food and

trips to the free clinic but

my ribcage will grow frail

and spill out my guts

unless the heart does not want what the heart wants

but everyone knows

it fucking does.

sitting shotgun, feet up

he nagged to get my feet off the dashboard

while she laughed at his song choices from the backseat

we drove everywhere that afternoon

my best friend and i running through

the school parking lot while yelling parts of our favorite songs

everything else tuned out but us

the three of us were

an unlikely combination

him, our friend’s older brother

us, the rambuctious freshman girls that we were.

that day was

honey light

a playground slide

and goodwill clothes

chinese food

boba runs

stealing shopping carts from vons

and a little something more

i can’t put my finger on

there was always so much laughter

at each other and with each other

us 3, together

we have so many memories like that

laying in the car while the sky exchanged colors

talking about anything and everything

paging through his psych textbook

just for fun

his exasperation

as he sometimes joined in our ridiculousness

with them,

those wildly stupid memories

hold a happiness

that i won’t forget for a lifetime

i can't really remember the last time

i know that there was a last time

just don't remember when

or what

it was -

so i think i'll make one up.

we were walking through Jamestown

when he grabbed my hand in his

thoroughly scared me, of course,

but it was nice while it lasted

his fingers were warm,

wrapped around my own

we continued on in conversation

like nothing had happened

but it makes me smile

when i think about it now

it may not be completely true,

but to me,

it's true enough

The sun shining on my face as we walked in the breeze towards the swingset. This was before the drugs, the running away, the constant fighting with yourself. I'd like to think you were happiest with me on the swingset, watching the football teams run by as we kicked our feet, happily spraying sand all over. Sometimes taking your sister and her sister to the swings with us, back when they trusted you. We'd be joined by What's-His-Face, awkwardly flirting with us, though you didn't like him (but I secretly thought he was kind of cute). We'd talk about school stuff since you were finally getting to go to one for the first time in years, talk about your cat and your little brother, listen to P!nk and Avril Lavigne, and just hang out. We'd talk about our futures and boys and just be kids. You were the first family member that I got to be truly friends with, and at night in my dorm room, I think back and smile like the sun was still shining on my face eight years ago. Often, I wonder if you think of it too wherever you are and if you're thinking of me too.

I have never had a happy day

I've never considered myself completely happy

Are you surprised? Do you think I'm ungrateful?

no, I'm not thankful! I tell the truth

there are reasons for this

as long as everyone in my family is not happy

I can't be happy

as long as my friends are not happy

I can't be happy

for as long as I can make others unhappy

I can't be happy

for as long as my enemy is not happy

I can't be happy

as long as everyone is not happy in this world

I can't be happy

for as long as all creatures and until the trees are not happy

I can't be happy

it's not a compliment

that's not even a lie!

The conclusion is:

I can never be happy!

Call her the Mighty Empress

Call her queen of high and low

Her majesty, her Grace

Be her sword, her shield, her mace

Call her Mighty Actress

No one dare know who she is

The slyest snake, or ignorant iguana

The wisest witch or cutest chihuahua?

Call her Mighty Enchantress

Once her spell cast, all are helpless

Call her wood nymphs incarnated

She leaves us more than infatuated

Call her Mighty Sorceress

She knows all secrets here and there

She knows unfortune everywhere

Withered souls, here, come and gather

Down your tears and give her a stare!