i don't know when it started

so i won't know how it ends

all I know is i'm alone

lost with no one to turn to

i suppose it's my own damn fault

i shut everybody out

and hid from the sun

never knowing i needed them

i'm adrift

not knowing when i'll next see land

or who if anyone will be there waiting

is it worth it

should i carry on

my little boat is filling up

with salty tears

that make up my ocean

and then i sleep

i think i'll sleep forever

waves of my own lonelyness

drag me under

i don't expect to wake

but find myself

on a sandy shore

in a place too nice for me

"all lost things find their way here eventually"

he says with a smile

"we collect them you see"

he's odd but kind

"welcome, traveller, to the land of misfit toys

we'll adopt you

take you in

and never think ill of you at all"

and here i've stayed

and at some point i realized that

everyone has their own island

their own savior

and the island is the one who'll find you

just when you need it most

it'll come and lead you

to the family you choose

I have been lost and I still am today. I am emotionally lost and I am struggling. I try to get help but it seems as if it is lost as well. I scream out for help with my words but for some reason, no one hears these piercing cries. I am blinded by the lies of the world. Whispering their promises of nurture, protection & love only for it to be a backstabbing lie. Slowly suffocating and consuming me slowly until I am nothing more than a dust bunny sleeping under the couch waiting for the tornado to come and suck me up. I want to run away to PARADISE. The place that only exists in my mind. Where I go to find protection, and comfort. Something truly is consuming me. Something beyond the normal maybe even something paranormal. Fighting for what is wrong, right, good or bad. Who or what I am. Struggling to find where I belong. What I have to do where I have to go. How I have to do it. And after everyhting, you think you still have family & friends to be there for you. So you go and try to get help. TRY but they just end up in cries. They don’t believe you or they think you’re joking. Or most of all, you’re too scared to tell them because they are too busy or you think they won’t listen. You only have God, your cat & your diary to confide in because they won’t judge you. And you don’t want to tell anyone because you are afraid they won’t accept you or they will think you are crazy or even worse they won’t love you for who you are. And it hurts because you’ve tried before. You’ve tried but eventually, you end up drowning in a pool of your own toxic ideas and thoughts. So therefore, I am so on still lost & yet to be found.

I lost you

Abruptly

It hurt me

Instantly

I lost me

Inadvertently

I lost you and lost me

Simultaneously

My nana dear

I miss you being here

The same year I lost you

Is the same year I found me

Because I had him on the first

The first of the year

And God made it clear

That I would have a happy new year

My son was born

The same year I lost you

So the words ring true

The same year i lost you

I found myself to

I am a mom

I say this calm

With much charm

I was lost now I’m found

And even though you’re not around

You’re still teaching me lessons

The same year I lost you

I gave birth to a blessing

The deep, dark pit of addiction is a place where no one ever dreams of being, but ends up there anyhow resulting from a bad choice or decision. It’s a place I call ‘hell’ and it swallowed me whole.

Unfortunately, I became a lost soul in this horrified place, not even knowing who I was anymore. I was in full blown addiction, numbing my emotions just to ease the anguish of my trials and tribulations. I was self medicating and immersing my feelings with drugs and alcohol or whatever else I could get my hands on was the method I used for that temporary cure. So I thought.

I spent so many years dancing around the fire with the devil himself that I lost track of time. While everyone around me thrived to live a normal life, I was thriving to die. It became so unmanageable that I had to be cut off from the ones I loved the most. I was at my rock bottom and now I would either have to fight to retrieve myself or die a lost soul.

My rock bottom brought me to my knees. I was homeless, I slept on people’s porches, abandon houses and anywhere I could be somewhat warm and dry. I was robbed at gun point and jumped for the small amount of belongings I had to my name. I was in withdrawal when I couldn’t get the drugs I needed to function and I was nearing the bitter end. This is when I needed to make the choice to find myself and live or die a lost cause. I went with the first choice and it was the best one I would ever make yet.

Subsequently, I found myself once I completed a 90 day substance abuse treatment program. In the beginning of this life saving event, I never thought I’d make it because it was all things but easy. It was a therapeutic community accompanied by strict rules and I thought I was going to fold within the first week, but I didn’t. It gave me the light that I needed to find myself and I did. I surrounded myself with good people who were empathic of my struggles, offering me concrete support and they all assured me that I wasn’t alone. They showed me how to live a much happier and healthy life without the use of drugs, but essentially, they gave me the love I needed to succeed as a recovering addict and I couldn’t get that out there in the streets during my rippin’ and running’ days even if I tried. That’s just the way it is.

Today, I’ve found myself. I love the person that I’ve grown to become and I’m not anywhere near where I want to be, but I’m getting closer and closer with each day that passes. When I thought that I was doomed and in the dark for good, I was wrong. I learned over the years that darkness cannot exist without light and vice versa. If you suffer from addiction or other mental health disorders, there is someone reaching out to grab your hand and pull you in. I promise you help is there and you will make it through the dark times.

My mind was swimming and thoughts kept coming. They kept screaming at me and wouldn't leave. I couldn't find a way to smile and nothing seemed worth my while. I started sleeping more and doing less. The thoughts flowed in saying I was worthless and everything I did was a mistake. My mind went blank of all but one thought, "What are you still doing here?" Here as in my room? No. Here as in this world. Yes. what was I doing still being on Earth when nothing I did was right. When I left my pet alone with the vets to die, when all I say and do is nonsense, when my body is broken and brusised. Why should I still be here taking up oxygen, adding polution, and recking people's life. I should still be here so that I can tell my story. I should still be here so that others know they are not alone. I am still here so that others don't do what I almost did. I'm still here so that others don't hurt themselves and possibly end it all. If I can help just one that's enough of a reason as any to still be here, Breathing, living, laughing, and smiling to the best of my ability.

Loops

and loopholes.

Twists

and turns.

This

is how it feels

to be lost.

Going in circles

never ending.

Warmth,

and joy.

Releif,

and hope.

This

is how it feels

to be found.

To the west there could be seen a faint orange glow, it was a seductive phantom light, the suns presence was eternal if you knew where to look. There was a tempest of cold and snow, spring would come eventually. Spirits weaved between the trees, they sang sweetly of the otherworld, of its white roses and golden trees. They roamed over brook and moor, tethered to that strange expanse of land. They wailed with the wind and tormented all that could hear them. Fear wrapped itself around the living, it blinded them. Contorted by it they walked with their eyes down, the earth was comforting in its dark stillness. If they had only looked up their terror would have been washed away, the sky was ever changing in its beauty. Moon and star were covered and uncovered by silver cloud, Venus glistened and watched. The morning brought hues of rich orange and pink, golden light streamed through canopies and tall grass. It brought with it warmth and freshness in the air, it put the spirits to rest under that cold earth.

What is being lost?

Is it you not knowing yourself anymore?

Or maybe losing faith in yourself more and more?

Or maybe losing the interest even to go to the store?

I am sure there still more

But whatever losing yourself means

There is a fact that you didn’t go anyway

You just get imprisoned by your thoughts day by day

So you see everything gray

And you don’t believe the positive things other people say

So what you think losing yourself really means?

It is giving up

It is not seeing it even when you have a backup

You don’t look forward even your beloved ones tell you to stand up

And by that problems would keep coming up

So to start the fight, positivity is one of the means

Yeah it may be hard to embrace it when you feel so lost

But start by accepting the help from the ones who would give it at any cost

When you can see that you would see how you are the one who discriminated yourself the most

So stop being weak and get rid of the negativity ghost

What is missing to find you, are not the means

But you being eager to be found

You can never been found unless you are ready to leave that ground

Unless you mute the negativity sound

And love yourself for one more round

when

I ceased being me

and reduced to the sadness inside me

I never realised

when

the whirlpool of despair

it chased me everywhere

now rested at the base of my lungs

defined

my nature

suffocated

my thoughts

claimed (the anthropoid)

my head

restless

shell of a human

threatened and threatening

it won or I did

either way

I was already lost

drowning

letting go

it felt good

for a moment

then beat of my heart

longing for air

under the blue

I emerged

I was always more

than a beast

a beast

I was not able to teach and took voluntary retirement at college at the age of 50. I was tired of teaching and got fed up off that work. I resorted to take leave and sit at house. I was also writing literature in 4 languages. I thought my active period of life is over. God had written that much only in my forehead. After that, I was only cooking at house. Other than that, nothing I did.

With a gap of 4 years and 10 months, again I started doing what all I was doing earlier, except teaching. Much more literature is coming in the brain than earlier. Don't know which god's will it is. I had thought I would never rise again in life with wings. It was as if my wings were cut. Now the wings have regrown with much more power than earlier. There has arisen a brainy out of the ashes of a looser as if phoenix bird. I was not able to work in front of a computer for more than 2 hours/day. Now I have giantly power to sit for 10-12 hours/day.