Tears stream

A never-ending river

Like how is possible to cry this much

My heart hurts

My mind hurts

Nothing seems to be okay

Nothing can calm me down

Everything is spinning

Emotions are mixing

Depression kicks in

Anxiety kicks in

Everything kicks in

Just one thing can light a match to set off a hundred

Your life seems meaningless

You seem worthless

Everything they said is in your head

You think it’s real

You hate yourself

You think you’re alone

You think you’re hated

You cry into your hands

A comforting hand is nowhere to be found

Sitting here in the darkness hurts

Everything they say hurts

My thoughts hurt

I know I don’t deserve this

But somehow I believe I do

I am not in my mind

My thoughts scrambled

I just want to give up

On life

On trying

On being me

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate everything

I start to believe what they say

Maybe it is true

Maybe I am worthless

Maybe I am a moron

Maybe I am overweight

Maybe I am ugly

Chances are when you look up you will have someone

I know right now it seems impossible

But beat the impossibility

You are loved

You are worth something

You are beautiful

You are human

And you are here for a reason

Be yourself and nobody else

Keep you as you

Because that is the best you can be

I can't fucking live like this anymore.

I have no freedom what so ever I'm suffocating.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm drowning.

Fucking kill me now I can't do this anymore.

Sorry I'm just spiraling down to a pit of rage and depression and wanting to sleep outside in 18 degree weather so I can die of hypothermia.

I can't live like this any longer, I can't do it I'm not strong enough.

I've done it for too long am I'm breaking.

I can't drag myself along any further I've been fighting for 7 years there is no way out.

I'm trapped in the physical world and in my mind.

I desperately need a distraction right now.... the voices are screaming louder and making my heart and chest feel like they're collapsing, I feel like I'm drowning and I'm trying to not start begging for someone to stab me in this growing cavern in my chest, to fill it with steel and twist the blade in deep. I just want the pain to go away. I'm shattering and my smile is becoming fractured. I can't pretend I'm okay anymore I don't want to live like this anymore and I can't drag myself any further. I'm a husk of a girl that once was strong and now is being blown over with to softest of whispers and I'm being flattened and torn apart by the howling screams. I try to not worry those I love but I'm hanging by a fantasy thread that I'm trying to use to make me think that I'm fighting as always when in reality it's just my insanity I'm escaping to when I try to ignore how rock bottom I really am. These are my string of thoughts that I can't escape and I can't stop writing as I'm a puppet inside, pulling at strings to throw myself through the motions and play the part of someone who is free of a script when I'm chained down to the stage and I'm falling through the floor boards, suffocating on lies that I'm okay and the dust of the past filling my lungs and eyes till can't breathe without crying through flashbacks and feeling old and worthless with the dust I've let gather on my soul that I've never tried to clean and nurture. I can't fight the voices anymore I'll I can do is numb myself with my ADD meds for several hours before the voices come in like an incoming tide. The water level of bad thoughts rising until I'm drowning in them. I'm tired, scared, and broken. I desperately trying to keep myself together but new blow after blow of events keep knocking over any attempt I try to make, draining my will to try again.

One part of me just wants to curl up on the floor and cry, a big part of me wants to drive to your place and just hug you and not let go, another wants to try cutting again, and another tiny part of me wants to try taking 10 of my add meds and 15 melatonin tablets and see what happens.....

I have been going through another bad bought of depression lately and I thought I would fight it off like normal, but with my parents turning off my data so that I can't use anything to communicate with anyone unless I'm at home or have connection to wifi makes me feel more isolated and trapped and than usual and I can't take the conscious knowledge of how truely freedomless I am. The voices were already getting bad but now they are overwhelming me and lack of sleep and stress makes me feel that loss of energy to even try fighting back or doing anything besides letting the voices and bad thoughts roam free.

I hate living like this but I can't find the strength to stop it.

(Note: These are some real text messages I sent to my best friend New Years Day when I was having a midnight mental breakdown from depression that she helped me through. I love her with every fiber of my being and I am so fortunate grateful to have her in my life. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there for me. She told me to get some sleep and destracted me with plans for hanging out the next day. Having something to look forward to helped me to focus on just pushing through everything till I got to see her again. Because just being in her presence helps me relax and feel happier. I love you, sis and I couldn't imagine a world without you in it.)

(2nd Note: Remember that you are loved. You are worth so much. You are human. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are NOT ALONE. Remember to always keep fighting.)

#mentalillness #depression #anxiety #reallife #texts #mentalbreakdown #suicidalthoughts