Know Thyself

"She's so high-strung, it's impossible to deal with her."

"She seems so rude to me."

These are comments that have gotten back to me, not just on one occasion, but on several. And you know what? I can't contest them. I do not offer excuses for my behavior, but I will offer an explanation.

I have a panic disorder. There are any number of things that may set me off. I don't, however, like to broadcast my issues, and therein lies the problem. Someone I may or may not know might say or do something that makes me panic. As a means of trying to cover up or deal with the situation, I may snap or yell at them for no apparent reason. I may appear cold or distant. A pleasant conversation may turn heated. I might leave the room abruptly.

These are not things I am proud of, and, if possible, I always try to apologize once I've calmed down. I use my writing to try to vent some of these feelings, but situations do arise for which I'm not prepared. I accept that the panic is a part of me, but I don't accept that I can't change.