i.
"Do you have thoughts about harming yourself?"
"Yes," I think.
"No," I say.
She is done, I am not.
ii.
"Do you have thoughts about harming yourself or others?" He asks.
I glance at my mother sitting beside me.
Yes, I think.
No, I say.
He signs the prescription. I get the drugs.
iii.
I need more than this medicine, oh so much more. But I am not allowed to voice it.
I am already in hell.
Teenage Heartbreak
We may have just broken up, but things were getting better. I had high hopes, and I was positive that we would soon be back together. This was just a bump in the road.
I sat in the cafeteria of my high school, laptop in front of me, working on an essay, math, or geography, I don’t recall what, but I do remember a friend walking in with a worried look on his face. He sat down across from me and started to talk, but moments in, he asked me a question.
“Hey, does Ken* have a new girlfriend? Someone I know saw him walking around, holding hands and kissing some girl downtown.”
My heart did a flip, and not the cute kind. Panic raced through me and I didn’t reply. Instead, I texted one of mine and Ken’s mutual friends, hoping that she would deny the truth of this statement.
“I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, he does.” the text read.
A soft sob escaped my lips. A year together and he had moved on in three weeks? “Who is it? Do I know her?” my fingers dashed across the keyboard.
“Yes. It’s Lynn*.”
“She’s just a friend, I swear. She doesn’t like me like that.” I couldn’t even count the amount of times Ken had reassured me like this.
My heart dropped and exploded and tears poured out. A childhood friend of mine. The nicest girl anyone had ever met, but not anymore.
Together, they had broken me.
But I put myself back together and moved on.
*names have been changed
Explode.
My heart falls
It falls deep
It gets heavy
It is expanding
and soon it will blow
I'm not ready
I'm not ready for it to blow.
I want to turn back the clock
when the first thought filled my brain
The first thought
Having anything to do with your name.
Not because I hate you
but because I feel I love you
And I'm not supposed to
Because I'm pathetic
For falling for someone
Who will never fall for me
And the blood,
All the blood from my heart
Continues to rain
And it hurts
It really hurts
As my heart drags,
As it scrapes,
As it falls,
And there is no cure
Not one I can attain.
You’ll Know
Walking through the snow dragging my feet to a place I never wanted to call home. It has been the place where you have wasted away. Where orange and black has never so completely represented horror. Opening the door expecting to see your skeletal form wedge to the black veil of a chair, but it is vacant. My heart drops fearing the worse. I knew it was coming but knowing and feeling isn't the same. My gut contracts and my knees refuse to fight gravity any more. How can I know by just staring at an empty space? But I know. My heart breaks and I curl in order to hold the fragments of my mind in place. I'm only sixteen and you're gone. No one is in the house. No one can catch me as I fall. The rest of the family has gone to take care of everything else. All they left me was a note in that chair. The one I hated to see or touch the one that was your living tomb. Meant to make you comfortable in death, a practice coffin if you will. I grip the note and read the words so haphazardly arrange. "She is finally at peace. We had to go to the hospital. Call as soon as you get home. Love you." Did you know a heart can drop twice in a day. That it can fall deeper then expected no matter how much you clutch at it. It will never return to where it was cause losing your mom that young sheers the cliffs it might have climbed back up in order to feel ok.
An Early Curtain Call
First comes the denial. It can't be true, he was just here, I don't believe it.
Followed by the sadness. It was too soon, and he was so young. I loved him.
After the tears come the guilt. What did I miss, what could I have said or done?
As the guilt sinks deeper the tears flow again. I can't believe I'll never see him again.
The tears subsides as the anger takes over. It's not fair, what about us and the future?
Finally through all the stages you find the final one, acceptance and the knowledge that life will go on.
Suicide is not a joke, or a threat to be played with idly. Suicide kills.
It took my youth and turned it into maturity. Replaced my carefree joy with tears.
Phrases like "I'd rather die", or "you're killing me", are no longer used freely.
I lost a friend, a lover, and a classmate. I gained a respect for my life.
I chose to fight to make my life worthwhile, to find the bits of sunshine behind the clouds.... but loosing someone to close to my heart, it took away a piece of me that I will never be able to repair.