Denny Tuttleman, former Jackass star and recent Darwin Award recipient, went to his glory on Wednesday after a freak accident. He was demonstrating, to his sister, Jenny, how much fun it is to ride a piece of discarded linoleum like a sled down a grassy hill. An unfortunate combination of dry brush, due to current drought conditions, and excessive speed caused Denny's cargo pants to ignite and he was instantly consumed by flames. His loss is tempered by the fact that he died doing what he loved most: being a jackassh. In addition to Jenny, Denny is survived by siblings Lenny, Benny, Henny and step-brother Lance.

Attorney Lee Hope dies in court at age 39. While defending Big Papa Joe, Lee Hope “accidentally” shot himself in the head while explaining to the jury how easy it would have been for Alderman to shoot himself by accident. Big Papa Joe was acquitted of all murder charges. While Lee Hope didn’t have any living relatives, Big Papa Joe will be taking care of the funeral expenses and hosting the wake. Lee Hope’s memorial will be on Saturday, June 10th. Big Papa Joe made a statement late last week. “I owe my life to Lee Hope. His dramatic last work ensued my freedom. May you rest in peace Lee Hope.”

THE NON-EXISTENT NEWS

FEBRUARY 31ST, XXXIIIML

J.M.N. died two years ago while saving his cat from fishing. He believed that cats didn't like water and thought that he would save his cat from getting its paws wet.

We mourn J.M.N. and will remember him for about two minutes after you read this (unless you know him).

R.I.P.