control.
I give a fuck about you.
That’s why it kills me when I see you have doubts about yourself and the incredible improvements you are making in your life; all for some shit-head who doesn’t give a fuck about you. You are doing so fucking great these past few weeks at helping yourself get better, and I just don't want you to throw it away over anyone. No one is worth that; not even me. That’s why I’m so fucking proud of you for what happened today. It was hard, fuck yes it was hard, but you did the right thing, and I seriously couldn’t be more proud of you for it,
I won’t lie or spout any bullshit about how I am feeling: Yes, it does worry me when this happens. Yes, it broke me you chose him over me. Yes, it does sadden me a little bit when his pretty words give you conflicted feelings. But fuck if I will act on those feelings and do something stupid. And fuck if I will hate myself for those feelings. Because those feelings are human. You can’t help feelings; only what you do about them.
And it’s exactly the same thing with you. You can’t hate yourself for the way you feel. Just because memories of happy times and well-put-together sentences give you doubts that you completely abhor, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Feeling things that you wish you didn’t because of the unexpected is no reason to feel shame or guilt. All these things have no absolute bearing whatsoever on what you actually decide to do. They influence it yes, but you always have the last say.
No one controls you unless you let them.
So I guess I just wanted to get this down in writing. Maybe just incase it happens again and you doubt yourself one more time. I just want you to know how I feel, and to remind you of things you already know but occasionally forget. You control your life. Only you. And you have successfully proved this time and time again; so don’t ever forget it. You’ve done it so many times it’s ridiculous, and this is not something you can do then suddenly not know how to do anymore.
Don’t give in to shit that you have conquered before. You are the strongest fucking person I know, so don’t let anyone who doesn’t give a fuck about you run your life. Hell, don’t let anyone who DOES give a fuck about you run your life.
You are the only one who has any say in any part of your existence. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.
Bones
The bond between a man and his dog is something that you can almost taste at a distance. An ethereal tendril connects them, pumping love and devotion and loyalty betwixt.
There's a silent knowing in the look they share, every outing a mission in staying alive and together.
Thousands of years of parallel evolution and dependency intertwined with necessity and survival.
No matter the length of time or distance between them, there's a deep, ancient need to be together.
Bones is my dog.
I'm his best friend.
He teaches me patience and nurturing.
I teach him how to survive in the city.
He makes me smile with every wet nose pressed against my forehead in the early morning.
I show him how much I love him by spoiling him with a thousand toys.
There'll be a day when I come home, and he won't be there. I'll smile at the memory of him greeting me at the door like it was the first time, every single time, no matter how long I was gone.
I'm sure I'll drop a tear onto my cheek, the same cheek he would've licked to cheer me up after a bad day. I'm sure there'll be a day he'll be a distant memory.
For now, he's the greatest weapon against the bad things in the world, and I'll be his best friend for his entire life.
I'll love him no matter how ornery he gets or how crazy he is when he's been cooped up for too long.
I'm his steward.
He's mine.
Together, and the time we share will be something worth fighting for, because he will never stop loving me more than himself.
And I'll love him more than I love anything on this Earth.
Sunset
there are layers and layers and i'm standing and watching as the sun sets over the hills while the colors fade closer and closer into dark dark blue black colors but not before they turn to red, dark bright red is the first layer and then an orangey color that really really makes you want to fly in an airplane right now at this moment come on why don't i have a house with a view oh why the next layer is such a perfect color of purple that you don't imagine it will ever turn to blue but oh it does, the blue is so blue it's like the ocean in hawaii and hey i wonder is there a sunset in hawaii right now...?
W A T C H E R S
From our peers to the Government, with admiration to resentment, we are watched. Botched not, with little attempt to hide, people carry-on with individual pride. Tide changed, it's all the same-- tame claims of national security-- oppressed obscurity leading to misdirection. Perfection ever attempted to catch the eye, sometimes with surgery, do or die. Sly snakes to take advantage, far and wide.
Tied knots, plots on a path within the web of conscious observation and consideration of the w a t c h e r s in the aftermath.
|| another-proser ||
*painting pictured, also by me/ Acrylic paint - matte, sparkle, & metallic/ 20"x16" gallery wrap canvas
