When Jessica and her mother goes travelling; strangers often mistaken Jessica to be the mother and the mother to be the teenager. Jessica never wanted this, in fact, to Jessica, Benjamin Button was a documentary of her inner life struggles; a boy/man aging backwards as time moves forward. She yearns for the moment when she can visualize her childhood, to experience fully what a child experienced in the early dawn of what life has to offer. Maybe when she's 80, she can finally open her eyes and look at the world with fresh wonderment; with her entire life ahead of her. Until then, she is trapped in this crazy house.

"margaritaville" begins to sour

morning breath like rotting citrus

en route to be intensively outpatient

at the psychiatric hospital

every day for a month

I listened to that song in the car

mania plus time fogs up my memories

and dizzy from the antipsychotics

acrylic nails clutching the steering wheel

early in the day, 8 o'clock

I plan my late arrivals in advance

jimmy buffet and I always take a detour

when I walk in, carrying my breakfast

in a greasy paper bag from burger king

they hand me the form that asks "how much do you want to kill yourself?"

and I pretty much always say "not at all"

(tw cursing yelling kinda disturbing shit and death... also real events)

(the status of the girl is unclear, we never knew if she lived or not but they carried her away under a white blanket)

asylum is a rude word for this place

we are not insane

we are not going to go crazy

well... not again

no nonono now were getting help

now were locked up here waiting, waiting for the day we get to leave and the open the doors waiting for the day that we dont have to do those strip searches no i cannot wait im going to be free let me BE FUCKING FREE I WANNA BE FREE

(please focus on the prompt)

im sorry

im sorry im sorry imsosorry i didnt meant to be rude im sorry IM SORRY

(just focus on the prompt)

right

that

its silly

i was locked up for a week

never called them asylums

not anymore its rude

when i got out i went tow months before being locked up again

this time it was for two weeks

did you know that sometimes when you go to a safe place you can watch a girl get murdered?

hahahahahahaha

i didnt

but i did

(please return to your prompt)

im sorry

i got out after two weeks locked up there

but mommy made me go away again

this time i was locked up in a better place

where they would "help" me

(did they help you?)

a little bit

they told me what was wrong with me but mommy said i couldnt get the medicine to help me

i dont have help i need help i dont like heading them

(the peompt)

I HATE HAVING TO FUCKING HEAR THEM LET ME GO! LET ME FUCKING GO!

(please sit down)

FUCK YOU FUCKYOU FU-

(are you ready to continue?)

no

(do you have a choice?)

no

(then please continue)

i was locked up from feburary until july

i know that lack of freedom, the sobbing the fights

its funny though

i made family there

a friend who wittnessed the same death as me

my family

i miss them

i miss the crazy sometimes

but im glad i dont have to do it anymore

until i lose it again