Random Post, Random Comment, Random Life

A while ago, not too long but long anyway, a person wrote a reply to my random comment on their post that I helped them stay alive. I don't quite remember what I said and I had no idea their sadness reached the point that they were genuinely considering ending it all. I have no idea how bad it was, they disappeared and we never spoke again.

I remember I told them that I liked their username. It was space ace or something. And I liked their profile picture. This snake in space with an asexual flag curled up in its tail. I remember telling them the little things in their short bio that made me smile and telling them I didn't think someone so interesting should give up so soon.

People talk about how they're close to killing themselves a lot. I know I have in the past, even when I had zero plans laid out to do it. Searching for... Something. Someone. Hoping a person can reach out. I stopped caring about helping people when I found out how easily a person trying to be kind can be manipulated. I was too young to go through that and eventually, for my sake, I took a step back from being the fixer I'd tried to be. But whether it was true or not that I "saved their life", I suppose my comment helped.

That's really all it takes, isn't it? So many humans just want the load lessened, even for a moment. It's why we turn to self harm and numbness and addictions. We want even the shortest pause, just for a moment just for a while. All it took was someone reaching out to tell them they were special and whoever it was, whoever they are now because I do hope they're still fighting, they stuck it a bit longer.

I've spent a long time feeling isolated, like most people. And to be fair, it's almost entirely my fault, despite the trauma that led me to begin fearing people in the first place. But I understand how nice it would feel to actually have someone reach a hand out to you, even in the metaphorical sense. I wanted it so badly for such a long time until I realised that no matter how hard I tried, no one would bother to save me but myself.

Anyway, I didn't learn much. I felt flattered and that was about it. I felt like it was too much a compliment to be told I saved someone, even if it was true. I don't believe I deserve such a praise. They saved themselves, I just gave a little kick in the right direction by being honest. And if I'm being honest, those feelings are hard to push away but this challenge helped me remember. So I hope their world got a little better. I hope they still enjoy pancakes and find some place in their heart to treat themself with more kindness. I hope a lot of things that are unlikely because as someone who suffers from mental struggles myself, I know firsthand how impossible it is. Getting through one day is just a pretext to fighting through another one.

I guess I'll never know. All I can do is hope. All we can ever do is hope, sometimes, choosing logic and truth and rationality is much too boring.