the man

at the bar

saw

what I was

reading

the unabridged journals

of Sylvia Plath

and put his hand

on the small

of my back

she killed two people

ya know

suicide

but that can’t

be right

I sat complacent

ordered a beer

and wondered what

I was doing

there

Bonded and chained

Stuck where you don’t belong

Agonized screams reach to the ceiling

But, you tell me you are strong

And that this prison won’t last long

I see through you, you are pained

Despite all that, you remain headstrong

You are killing all your emotions and feeling

Caught in this throng all day long

Singing and believing in that silly, stupid song

The true, real you has waned

I knew it would happen all along

You know, unless you start to seek healing

This agony and sorrow will only go on

And you'll always be stuck in this never-ending throng

"Put your right foot in, you take your right foot out. Put your right foot in and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey Pokey… See, Nick, I have no idea what the Hokey Pokey is anymore. Is it this?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips and doing one of SpongeBob's techniques for proper bubble blowing.

"Can you do that again?"

I did, swiveling my hips in a circle.

"No, not at all," Nick said with a chuckle.

"It has been on my mind all week. I've done it hundreds of times, and now I just can't seem to remember."

"Well, it's like this. You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about," Nick said, turning around slowly while pointing both fingers in the air.

"You sure? That doesn't seem right."

"Pretty positive. I went to a wedding last week. I was the maid of honor."

"What? Whose wedding were you at that you, a super muscular man with a full beard at the age of seventeen, were the maid of honor?"

"Oh, Maya and her new boyfriend got hitched. So, who's the winner this week?"

"Nick."

"Yeah?"

"It starts today," I said. "Also, do you have pictures?"

"Yeah, man. So here's me trying on my dress--it was too tight. I flexed and the arms ripped. Here's me learning how to walk in heels. This is the bachelorette party. Tell you what, man, watching a bunch of chick-flix and eating pizza all night--no better way to celebrate. Here we are getting ready. I had to help put make-up on one of the bride's maids, and here is the youngest bride's maid putting make-up on me…"

"Oh, she's absolutely adorable," I said.

"I know, right? Cutest little thang you ever done did see," Nick replied. "Here's me crying while handing Maya the ring (there wasn't a ring bearer). And this is me catching the bouquet."

"Dang, looks like you had a fun time."

"Oh, yeah, man. Oh! I almost forgot!" He took his phone back out of his pocket and found another photo. "This is me bench pressing everyone who attended at the same time."

"Show off."

"No, this is showing off," Nick said, picking up my desk and spinning it on the tip of his finger. Putting it down, he said, "I hope you don't mind, but I brought my older brother in to help today. I can't be here the entire time. Me and the girls are going dress shopping. We gotta stay in contact, you know? Figured what better way than to all go to the mall and buy dresses!"

"Sounds like a plan, Stan."

"He prefers Stanley."

I looked at Nick, confused. "Who does?"

"My brother. Anyways, I'll see you later. I need to grab my purse before I leave."

After he left, I said to myself, "What have they done to him?"

Looking at my watch, I straightened my tie and headed towards stage. As I approached the stage, I heard it. Incessant cheering and chanting. Stepping onto stage, I noticed cracks forming in the ceiling above me and dust falling from it. A small chunk of ceiling hit my shoulder and bounced to the floor. Everyone was jumping around and chanting, "Caleb! Caleb! Caleb!"

"Wow," I said, grabbing the microphone. "This is amazing. WHO'S EXCITED FOR PEN TO THE PAPER TWELVE!?!?!?"

The entire audience erupted in screams. The dust from above intensified.

"Well, you came to the right place, because today's the day!"

More cheering, more screaming, followed by a thunderous crack and a large chunk of ceiling falling directly on top of me.

Everyone gasped in shock, the room went silent. Slowly, I stood up from the rubble, covered in dust.

Throwing my hands in the air, I yelled, "PEN TO THE PAPER 12, BABAAYY!!!"

The audience began cheering and clapping again, and I left stage pretending that I didn't break every bone in my body.

"Hey, Stanley," I said, walking towards him. "Can you drive me to the hospital?"

"Ye, I gotchu, bro." He picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and ran faster than an Olympic athlete to the hospital.

You drive me crazy.

Everytime we talk I get answers that don't make sense mixed with conversations that hit so deeply. It's like you've got two sides that must never be thrown together. Everytime I think I've got you there comes a time of not knowing that leaves me wondering all over. If I wondered long enough would you know what I was thinking or would you just resist the good. Putting myself out there had me trying for something I don't know if I could reach.

I can't believe it happened, the night finally came when you invited me over to meet her for the first time. I was excited, nervous and my palms were sweaty. All the while with a smile from ear to ear. As I quickly throw myself together I couldn't help thinking what this really meant. My smile started to grow to the point it couldn't get any bigger and butterflies started to fly in my stomach. The happiness that rippled through my body caused my eyes to begin to water.

I had to slow my thoughts, I have a habit of getting ahead of myself. I make sure I have everything I need, tell Nick bye and out the door I go. I texted you "OMW" and I started the Volvo. I put in my AirPods, start my music, then pull out the drive towards your direction. It literally takes 3 minutes to get to your place from mine. I never finish a song. I pull into the parking spot next to your truck and see you standing outside waiting for me. I get out of my car and head up your way.

Nervousness is swirling in my stomach but I don't let it show. We walk in, exchange a few words and he ask if I was ready to meet Emma. "Of course" was my response and we walked back to the bedroom where she was watching T.V. You said "Emma this is my good friend Keri." She quietly stated "Hello." and I replied "Hello, nice to finally meet you!!" Those were the scariest 3 minutes of my life.

You and I hung out in the living room, watching T.V. and just chatting. You walked up to me, kissed me like never before. I felt passion, love, and a real connection that I haven't felt between us before. In that moment I realized that you feel as I do but terrified to move forward. I totally understand why and will continue to love you unconditionally. I know one day we will have our freedom that we speak of and your fear of love will diminish with time. I will wait an eternity for you.

Meeting Emma was a symbol of complete trust, love, and hope for future.