The push and pull of affection

ignites my blood

yet stills my heart

filling my galaxy with

dying stars and scarred moons

(gliding your fingertips across my veins)

…a symphony long forgotten.

sometimes I feel too much

at others . I just don’t feel enough

from overflowing waves of an ocean

to the waters of a shallow creek

both stepping on hot coals . and yesterday’s snow

some would call it a lack of balance

I call them...

the distrupted notions of me

.

My dreams are like the stars scattered across the midnight sky.

When I was little, I thought I could jump up and reach them, feeling them tickle against my soft skin.

Now I know that they are thousands of light years away, nowhere near my grasp.

But it's okay.

I'll just take a rocket ship to reach them. It may take longer, and be harder, but I'll get there someday.

I dreamt about the ocean last night.

The rhythmic crashing of waves,

speaking my name in ancient tongues.

An endless expanse of sand

stretching in the shimmering moonlight.

The swelling surf swallowing the shore.

Sputtering and spitting as I descend into the swell.

Abruptly I awoke alone and landlocked.

It was an indescribable dream.

I was in a circular room, surrounded by mirrors. I looked both different and the same.

They looked like me. They all wore that same blue sweater and gray shorts. They all had their hair up in a bun and glasses lopsided.

But, they didn't seem like me. One looked at me with these very sad eyes. She looked so tired and depressed; I had to force myself to look away.

One looked at me with a murderous gleam. She sported a mad glint in her eyes and a determined expression as if she wants me to die. I immediately averted my eyes, not daring to look back.

One wasn't looking at me. She was busy. She was making calls with a cell phone (unsurprisingly) just like mine. Knowing there was not much to see, I turned to look at the next reflected "me".

One looked me up and down in disgust. I immediately felt insecure. She looked at me with such contempt and disdain, that I had to look down and look away.

One was crouched in a corner, hugging her knees to her chest. One quick peek was all I gave her, before she buried her face. She was shaking with fright and so I looked no more.

One looked at me, giving me a curious one over. I felt like a piece in a science exhibit. It was unnerving how she seemed to analyze every inch of me, so I had to move on to the next one.

One was smiling brightly and waving at me. She had a healthy glow around her and her aura was so happy I also had to smile.

The last one sent chills to my bones, greater than the murderous reflection. This one was staring at me and I saw nothing in her eyes. She was like a corpse. She felt dead.

Looking back, I now wonder... Which one of them was really me?

“And what if it’s already yours?”

I remember her asking me that and how my body froze for a moment,

as I did not think we would get that far with sharing and being open about things.

It took me a moment as time stood still, and the only melody in the room were my quickened heartbeats and her rushed breath even as she tried to seem perfectly at ease.

I saw her at that moment; both floating on warm waters and standing on the highest mountain, outstretching a hand for me, asking if I wanted to jump with her at the same time. And then the world released a single breath, setting something free.

“Then we will just go from there... as I will ask you the same.”

My gaze on her as the words flowed from me effortlessly.

“What if... I am already yours?”

She smiled with something that could make the darkest clouds disappear as her soft voice filled the air around us.

“Then we will just go from there.”

Sometimes it doesn’t take too much to open up.

But maybe the hardest thing... is to allow yourself to be happy.

To allow the happiness in your life, in your worn-out heart.

It was a dream. No, not really. I never sleep. My brain is always awake, thinking of the ways the world could be better. No more hatred, no more quarantine, no more people disobeying the rules, no more overwhelming sleepiness, no more life without clear definition. What am I?

It’s 12:30 and I just had a thought. So when we were little we learned all about hibernation and just kind of accepted that like yeah okay checks out, but I was just thinking what the frick to squirrels even think, like Imma go nap for three straight months? You’re telling me I’m gonna go to college and not see a single freaking squirrel for all of winter because they are napping??? Why are more people not talking about this? Do all the squirrels think they’re dying? I have a ridiculous amount of questions.

And what if a baby squirrel doesn’t know how to hibernate??

I don’t know where I’m only focusing on the squirrels ahh a lot of other animals hibernate. I’m stressing myself out. Wait wait wait. Do squirrels in captivity hibernate?? What other animals hibernate? Fish? No that can’t be right but lakes freeze oh god now I’m worried about my fish Melvin, he doesn’t know how to hibernate. His tank is heated my poor little fish son wouldn’t survive in the wild what am I doing with my life. All the other entries in this contest were artsy fartsy poems and this is me having a crisis about squirrels.

Good thing it was explained to me as a kid when I just accepted anything told to me by a grownup because I didn’t know any better because if someone tried to teach me about hibernation now I would think they were tyring to prank me. I promise I’m not stupid I just wrote this late at night in the notes app so I could remember it later.