I

w

i

s

h

on stars,

pearl punctured dusk,

&

tuck the day to sleep

with dust

of

s

n’ S

a a

m

n

d

scattered sheep,

e

n

t

r

u

s

t’

:

hope,

pinned

o n

d

y

i

n

g

l u m e n,

rusts.

I wish I could change my past

but time moves onward

I wish I could control my future

but time can't fast forward.

The only thing

I can control and change

is this moment, now.

by controlling oneself

and changing oneself

....I just wish I knew how....

I wish, I would be a fledgling of the sparrow living in the nest on the tree of my garden. That tree can be easily seen from the window of my bedroom. Every morning, I get up and rush to open the window. I have witnessed the couple of sparrows building their nest. Straw by straw. Flight by flight. The way male sparrow is concerned about it's nest mesmerizes me.Its flights heightens my longings.Its love for it's family is reflected in its each and every action.It is showering it's love on its young ones. The love I have never had. The fatherly concern that I never felt. It's concern makes me yearn to be it's daughter. Now I just wonder : "Why did I have to be a daughter of an alcoholic abuser father? Why can't I be a little fledgling of that sparrow? "

I wish things were as easy as the stars make it look. Up there, shining brightly, you can never see what's going on with them until the explode and a light goes out in the sky. You hardly miss it for the next one comes into view just as quickly as the first dies. We are constantly replacing our stars, looking to them for guidance, expecting them to be so much more then they are and are disappointed when we meet them expecting something diamond-like and pure and find a fragmented shell that is a second away from becoming a nebula and leaving their inflated position. I could never be a star like Betelgeuse or Kanye. I could never look at those who idolize me with anything but pain because when you are so far away from everything, it's hard to know what's real and harder to tell someone when you think you are about to implode.

I wish upon a star,

That this disease would cease,

So the anxiety of billions

Decreased and civilians could be at Ease and the world would finally be

At peace.

I wish upon a star,

For an answer to cure all cancers.

So lives could be saved each day,

Everyone survives and nobody dies.

I wish upon a star,

That I can one day fulfill my dream

Of becoming a writer,

As impossible as it seems to be,

It’s my desire and I feel inspired

To invest in my best,

And give it my all.

I wish... for inner peace. Sitting on my back porch smoking a cigarette and drinking cold coffee, I wish for wholeness in my sense of spirit. I think it's what we all want. But just for once, I want to feel present, here, and think back to when my smile fit my face.

I wish I do not have to smoke cigarettes to feel calm, smoke hitting my lungs.

I wish I do not have to drink coffee to feel stimulated.

I wish I do not have to take Prozac to feel alive.

Serotonin be damned.

Sitting here, in the present moment, will take years.

I wish...

What do I wish for? It seems like there is so much, but I don't know where to begin.

Do I wish for the earth? For global warming to be stopped, or world peace, or to end world hunger? It's probably the right thing to do, but am I willing to let go of this opportunity? That is, assuming this wish comes true.

Perhaps I wish for my most selfish desire, but what even is that? My future? How can I wish for something I don't even know?

No, I think I wish to feel normal. To not feel so paranoid about things I know aren't true. To not feel like I'm about to throw up after one bite of food. To not have to count everything, to not have such a problem with texture, to not be in pain for no fucking reason. I wish, more than anything, to just be normal.

But that's all it is; a wish.