“I don’t know if I want to try again”

A sheet was tossed carelessly in front of me. Black scrawls of ink covered the ivory page, slashes of red marked the edges. I felt it in the deepest part of my gut, the violent teeth of disappointment, as it ate me up, limb by limb. I looked around the room, at the pure happiness radiating off of my classmates. The creature inside of me took another bite, but instead of blood filling the hole, my own disappointment did. Why couldn't I be as happy as them? But I knew the answer, because I could see the crimson marks. My vision began to blur as tears battled against my eyes. I couldn't cry now, it would only make me look weak. Embarrassing. I was already failing at fighting back at the monster inside of me. I couldn't possibly handle the beast that was embarrassment. Together, they could eat me alive in seconds. I wallow in my own sorrow for several minutes. Let the disappointment kill me. I never want to feel like this again. Zoning back in to the current time, I decide that I can't die right now, it's not the time. I am met with an expectant look from the creator of my torture. Deep inside, I know it is not her fault, but I cannot allow myself to begin looking towards the true culprit. I know I am to blame. She asks me, wordlessly, if I would like to attempt to complete it once more. One more chance. I can make this right. But I don't. Instead, I say quietly, my voice barely a whisper, “I don't know if I want to try again.”