the corn a field of gold, lost within it i start to panic, but see the calming blue of the sky and breathe. i wish you could travel on the wings of birds, free through the air, unhindered by this world. the children surround me, they are determined to find the shapes. but i only enjoy where i am, who i am wth: friends. you laugh at me and inside i wonder what i did but your face seems happy so i do not question it. finally we are free, and the grass seems greener than ever, the trees are the embodiment of fall; the reds, the yellows, the oranges. i smell sweetness in the air and look up, searching for its source, instead i see you. you straightened your hair, something you only do when you truly care about who you are going to see. leggings and a jacket, soccer i think, no maybe basketball, its blue. the feather necklace you have come to love and replace the one i gave you with. no i am not jealous, it is just an observation. you see my face and smile. i think, wow, i'm lucky. your eyes are a light brown with specks of green something i did not notice before today. i wave, you wave. i want to hug you but i don't. instead i stay seated while you walk towards me. realizing this place is full of children surrounding us, i wonder if you like it. the children look happy, so do you. pumpkins, some caked in dirt, others ready for carving are piled behind us a perfect scene for a picture, i jump on your back and worry i weigh too much. but you laugh so i let it go.

her smile is crooked. you see when she was younger she ran into the corner of a table and gave herself a dimple. she is extremely self conscious about it, but like most things about her, i love it. her nose scrunches when she is laughing really hard about something. she has a giggle, and no its not a cute little giggle you image of a little girl but more like a smile. her smile. the things i would do to see that smile. to bring it to her face. the joy is evident. it is contagious. when i am with her i cannot help but smile. its like when you see someone try not to smile, and maybe they do for a moment but then they break and the biggest smile in the world crosses their face, yeah that is me when i'm with her. i could sit there for hours next to her, doing nothing other than sitting and talking, or just sitting in silence. i could fall asleep to the sound of her breathing. i could love her forever. 

her eyes are a field of gold filled with clover.

they are the brush left behind by a fire.

they are the leaves ripped apart by children's greedy fingers.

they are the pumpkins at the bottom of the pile hiding from the undeserving world.

they are a glimpse of sea glass on a black sand beach.

they are the rocks skipped across a lake.

they are inconsequential to all but me.

to me they are the world. 

oh shit.

i mean i love you

you're my daughter

but shit

i had a life

planned out for you.

a wedding, colors blue and white,

a boy's tears matching his shirt

as he saw you walk down the aisle.

two children, maybe three,

little rugrats to call me grandma

no

not grandma

i'm too young for that.

i had a life planned out for you but

you just ripped it away

tore it up like paper

tossed it away like trash

it's gone.

the life i wanted

you to have —

shit.

you say you understand

but how could you ever understand

when you don’t even know

a third of the things going on

inside my brain

so don’t say you understand

until you actually know

what it is you’re saying that you get

sometimes the tears stream down my face like rain. my vision blurs and its like im wading into an ocean with deep caverns and unbearable currents in the dark. i lose my footing and the water is all around me. deafening. no sight. no sound. no sense of touch. im lost. and when i finally find my way back to the surface – gasp. i catch my breath just in time to be hit by another wave. and im down again. its an ongoing cycle and thats what its like when i lose myself in my own thoughts. the tears keep coming to the point where i feel like im shriveling up. losing water too quickly. dying. its like im stuck in a storm with no shelter. i think of you and in some way i feel like if i just keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting, ill find you. youll be there waiting for me, fire lit, blanket in hand, with hot chocolate on the stove and cookies in the oven. but then i remember youre gone. and that house im going to, if it exists, is empty. the fire has burned out, hot chocolate turned to milk, cookies cremated. so i stop. stop going, stop pushing, stop fighting. and i give in to the rain and the current that wants so desperately to drown. i give in to that deafening sound of the waves and the water to silence the thoughts in my head. the voices screaming stop. give up. cut. drown. leave. because why fight when youre gone? why breath when you took your last breath almost a year ago? why? so i let the water surround me, pull me deeper, further, farther, until the surface and the shore are no where within sight, within reach, within hope. and i cant tell if the water on my face is sea or tears. but despite all this, i finally get to see you, and thats all i really ever wanted. 

Sorry.

five letters that I use so much

it’s like their sound has replaced that of my exhaling breath.

sorry.

one word that has taken over my life.

it haunts me, looking over my shoulder

waiting to jump out and push what I really want to say backwards.

sorry.

one syllable that means so much.

put a question mark at the end at you sound like a bitch for not caring.

a period and you sound mad.

ellipses and people worry somethings wrong.

because why would you trail off at the end of an apology?

sorry.

but what they don’t understand

is that I’m not apologizing for what I said.

I’m apologizing for being me.

for caring, for crying, for trying

trying to stick up for myself.

apologizing for not just letting it go like I usually do.

for saying something this time,

something about how you hurt me.

for pretending that I matter,

that I deserve to be happy.

sorry.

I’m sorry for being sorry at all.

but I say it again and again

because I’m afraid if I do not exhale that refrain of a word I will never inhale again.

You are worth more than the tears

that fall from your face at 3 am

because you feel so alone in the world.

You are better than those girls that call you tragic

and the boys who only talk to you for your body.

You are worth more than the hate

that eats at your edges everyday.

I understand the hopelessness behind your eyes,

and the “I can’t do this” in the back of your throat.

You pray for the pain to end, to simply vanish.

But what you have to understand

is that those girls you envy for their body

force themselves to throw up after every meal.

And underneath that kate spade sweater you want

is a wrist covered in scars.

You want to be them, but what you don’t see

is that their water bottles are filled with vodka

that they drink to numb their pain.

I know you want what they have

but look at where you are.

You have made it too far to give up.

It may not mean anything right now,

but when you’re old and grey

I hope you look back on these days and realize

Just how strong you’ve become

And you smile a real life smile

And the tears traveling their oh too familiar path

Are finally ones of joy.

Because I know you feel

Like your world is caving in

And you’re suffocating in the sea

Of hate you found yourself in

But if you fight the current just a little bit longer

You’ll find yourself on the shore.

you are a miracle.

I mean think about it,

Your mom carried you around in her stomach

for nine months and then pushed

for hours until finally

somehow

you came into the world.

You are a miracle.

But somehow as years went by you forgot that.

You let the boys who turned you down,

The girls who picked you up

Just to push you down again

Get to you.

You let the clothes that didn’t fit

The parties you weren’t invited to

And the memories you weren’t a part of

Get to you.

You let your anxiety flip you inside out

And force the words you so badly want to say

Back down your throat.

You choke back the tears

Because heaven forbid you show some human emotions.

Because society tells you crying in public is weak.

Because society tells you having emotions is weak.

Because society tells you, you are weak.

They force these thoughts into the room that is your brain

And then plaster over the doors and windows

So they have no other choice but to stay

And these thoughts, they change you.

They rob you of confidence and cripple you

They make you believe them.

And that is the most tragic part

Because once you believe them

The plaster crumbles and the doors spring open

But the thoughts have made a home in your head,

And you have provided them the attention they need to stay.

And you have forgotten:

You are a miracle.

When did I decide that my opinion didn’t matter?

That likes and followers determined my worth

That captions on pictures were more important

Than the memory that was held

Within the frame

That looking cute for school was more important

To me than getting eight hours of sleep a night

That confidence was simply a lie

Parents told you to make friends as a child

That alcohol was a prerequisite for being popular

And parties meant more than grades

That friends were something other people had

And birthdays consisted of a candle in my breakfast cereal

That weekends meant more time in my room

With headphones in ignoring the blaring fact

That the way I was living wasn’t even

Living at all

My life had become what I told myself

At age five it would never become:

A life at the expense of others

I seek for approval from everyone else but me

Because I know that what I think does not matter

That what I say does not matter

That I do not matter

And I am okay with that.