I am always in pain.

Be it emotional,

Be it physical.

It surrounds me.

It plagues me.

It hurts.

And sometimes

When it is strongest,

I want to fall.

I want it to end.

But it doesn't relent.

So neither will I.

I'll do whatever 

I have to.

Anything but give in.

Give me courage

Give me strength

I can do this.

Smile.

Make a joke.

Laugh.

It always works.

They can never tell.

They who are happy.

But maybe

If I pretend

Long enough....

I might be happy as well.

I need help

Yet no one cares.

Of course they don't

It's not their job.

It's mine.

My job to care.

My job to serve.

My job to always be there.

But I can't help feeling

A bit overwhelmed.

So give me courage

Give me strength.

See me through this,

Help me do this.

I stay my mind on you 

Give me perfect peace.

Why am I doing this?

They say the best poetry is from your heart.

Your deepest darkest secrets.

But I am not one 

That speaks so freely.

So why am I doing this?

Do I secretly need

To be understood?

Or maybe it just helps.

It helps to focus 

On writing.

Not pain or loss. 

So focus.

Focus.

Focus.

I know it is coming.

Don't ask why,

I just do.

Somedays spent turning 

That thought round 

And round my head.

I am ready.

But are they?

It is unlikely.

I try to tell them.

Always hoping,

Maybe they'll find out.

Maybe before it is too late.

But one question

Spins around my head most.

If they find out,

Do I fight

Or just let go....

There is an empty place

Inside my heart.

Times when I feel

Like falling apart. 

I am unworthy,

Never whole. 

But you just continue,

to fill my bowl. 

Not caring about,

All my faults.

You continue, 

The Evil to halt.

Continue and continue.

Never ceasing,

You my God,

Are never leaving. 

I turn and shout,

Blaming you.

You smile and take it,

Staying like glue.

Nights I cry,

You send me love.

Kittens and puppies,

From up above.

I consider it,

A blessed honor,

To have the world's,

Greatest Father.

Fearful to fearless.

Shy to bold.

Weak to strong.

Alone to alone.....

Always I have been

That third wheel,

That shadowed face,

The one, only noticed in a blurr. 

If you see me,

It is never the whole of me.

If you know me,

It is only one of my many faces. 

Since tiny baby 

To young adult,

I am the same 

In my loner ways. 

Sometimes I cast away

Those friends who know 

Only one me.

They don't understand. 

Other times I wish 

For someone to see,

To hear! 

To know all of me!

Not just the shy part.

Not just the follower.

The bold and fearless face.

The Leader and Protector.

But those faces often

Decieve the outside.

No one to know 

I am hiding inside.

If they found out

They would leave.

No one likes to 

Be wrong....

They would realize

I am not in the shadow.

I am the Shadow.

They would know.

Then they would 

Have to listen.

Have to be concerned.

Oh, but rebuked I would be.

Living in comfort is 

Better and easy to them. 

Not working hard for others. 

Not taking time from themselves.

So alone I remain.

Pretending friends think 

I matter. 

Pretending I think 

I matter.

Sometimes,

When the pain 

Is at it's very wost,

I imagine how 

Others feel.

Is it really true?

Do they really live

Without constant 

Physical pain?

In these thoughts

I smile and think,

Maybe

Maybe one day

Soon.

I can be like them too.