settings float around me like

a hallucinogenic kaleidoscope wall -

fragmented psychedelic,

endless buzz.

i hear it all:

“your body is a car”

“your body needs fuel”

“your body must eat.”

I am not this body

let me LEAVE this body

i must transcend this BODY.

let me expunge my humanity

until restriction forces imperfection

to fall from my aching skeleton

like sand in an hourglass.

let me suffocate my anxiety

until it chokes to a sputtered stop

in the blackened crescent of my starved stomach

so i can finally exit this BODY.

let my soul float out of my bones

on feathered wings

until i reach

the most perfect place where i am

bodiless

pure

untouched.

let my fat leave and

my skin shrink and

my bones crush into a powder

that sinks back into soil.

let my BODY return to the earth

let my soul return to the sky

and me return to me.

endless buzz,

fragmented psychedelic,

hallucinogenic kaleidoscope,

i am ready to leave.

On the days I miss you I go to my closet and bury my face in the clothes that still smell of you - like rain and lavendar and spearmint gum. I close my eyes and breathe in your scent, imagining you. I see you with your red floppy hat and big sunglasses, your freckled face tilted up as you beam at the sky. I see you absentmindedly picking the buds off the flowers in your hand. I see your arm looped around a boy, I see you in an indigo coat, I see your lime green flip-flops and your dirty toes. I see you crying often now: the broken bits of you a little clearer, a little sharper than before. I dig my heels into the beige carpet, weave my fingers through the line of clothes (rain and lavendar and spearmint gum), as if I will push through to the other side and see you there. I miss vanillalotionfloppyhat yellowpencilssmudgedeyeshadow. I miss it especially because fingersrunningthroughyour hairyourlipsgrazingmine never happened. Sometimes I get confused what was real and I have to come back to the clothes (rain and lavendar and spearmint gum) and remember again about the floppy hat, the coat, the flip flops, the flowers, the dirty toes, and your arm around the boy. I smell rain and lavendar and spearmint gum and I let the knife pierce my chest and make me bleed, leaving only the bits of me I didn't give to you.

My toes linger

on shards of broken glass.

I like the feel of

s h a t t e r e d

cutting into my skin.

The crimson trickling from my ankle

makes me laugh.

They are weak

I am not

I live on broken glass.