Stuck in my body and mind

I am one with my consciousness but not my soul

Every day is monotonous

No energy to push beyond for more

Spending time alone because of feeling unworthy

Would it be better if I had someone to push me?

Would I be happier if I had some company?

They say you attract what you’re ready for

Nothings coming my way

Maybe the friend I never had was myself

I attract what I’m ready for

I can’t be a friend to myself, so how can I take in another?

You are light

You are the color that washes the earth when the sun rises in the morning

You are the first star to grace the sky when the day transforms to darkness

You are the first raindrop to grace the earth at the end of a long drought when every form of life had shriveled up into nothingness

From the moment you fell to earth from the universe above your light shown and grew into a blinding force powerful enough to stop people in their tracks and move them to places they never thought they could go

Your light has shown people the way and blazed through their life when they had only darkness

You are the first thing that glows in minds when the day starts and the last thing lingering when the day ends

You are light in a way that cannot be only seen but has to be felt because it has the power to warm a world turned cold as there is no force stronger than the energy radiating from you

Your light cannot be contained or extinguished by those who are confused and don’t understand why a living creature can radiate in the way you do

You are light

You are a living light to the world and to me

You know, it’s rather sad how often I think about ways to die. When I was younger I felt immortal, death never even crossed my mind. Now I’m in my early 20s and quite honestly feel the grim reaper standing over my shoulder at most times. That feeling combined with the current conditions he world is in makes me dying more like a prize than a defeat. So...many long nights of thinking about this has prompted me to list ways to die, in order of worst to best.

6. Gunshot. When I die I’d rather it not be at the mercy of someone else.

5. Plane crash. I hate heights so much so dying by falling out the sky takes my final moments and turns them into panic instead of celebration.

4. Stabbed by someone on meth outside that one pizza place. I feel this one needs no explanation.

3. Lost in the woods. While the whole starving part might be miserable I’m always happiest when surrounded by nature. So if I go this was obviously I was at least at peace.

2. Drowning. While I would not actively drown myself leaving surrounded by water doesn’t sound so bad to me. There’s a certain peace that comes with being under water.

1. Hit by a bus while crossing the street to get lunch. While it’s odd this is the most desirable, to me it is! It’s quite random, can’t plan for it. I’d just be out doing my thing, maybe walking across the street to get some food and BOOM it’s all over. No stressing or anything.

Is it tears or rain that wet the page

My sentences go on and on

A lot of words for something so simple

Sitting out here all my memories come back

Laughing until I cried, crying until I laughed

I can’t process how it all happened so fast

One day I was here

Then somehow days and years passed

The trees grew up and I did too

It doesn’t seem like long but I guess it has been

Running around this yard playing pretend

Swinging the day away talking about the future

Too innocent to doubt, only focused on hope

I thought it’d last forever

Every day seemed the same, change was slow

Then fast, very fast

And I can’t figure out how to grasp this

Sitting out here in the yard while it rains

This used to be our fortress but now I’m alone

I can’t change what’s not in my control

If I could, it would have been me instead

But here I am, writing to a ghost

Thinking about the ghost of our past

And the ghost of our future we will never have

I can’t tell if my tears have stained the page

Or if it’s just the rain

It might be both

If you were here you’d tell me to go inside

But the rain feels good

Feeling something against my skin again

Besides you

Tomorrow is just a daydream away

My body may be present but my mind wanders

Live in the moment. This moment is real.

They keep talking

My mind keeps building worlds upon worlds

Losing touch with reality to keep the dreams

I created the dreams as an escape

But now I cannot escape the dreams

Daydreaming my life away

Scared to quit

I’m dreaming to live not living to dream

They exist because reality seems hopeless

But reality can never get better if I don’t try

I have no energy left to try

My energy was left in my fantasies

Real life shrinks as the fantasy’s grow

Tomorrow may just be a daydream away

But my entire life I have never woken up

In the perfect world

Currency is love

Time is valued

Status is shunned

Freedom is encouraged

Differences are celebrated

Hurry is optional

Honesty is elevated

Like a little kid looking out the car window playing the roadtrip game, count the yellow cars. They see so many more than they ever noticed before now they’re looking for some. Taking the same trip on the way back without playing the game they don’t notice the yellow cars, but they do see some buildings they never noticed before. It’s a game of the mind. If you’re looking for something you will see it. This also goes so because you are looking for something and only that one thing, so much passed by unnoticed. Life is big and vast. So much more can be seen when the blinders are off. Focus on the whole trip, not just the yellow cars.

watch me

take something that should be celebrated

and overthink

watch me

let indecisiveness ruin everything again