You don't know the real me. You don't know what I feel. You don't know why I act how I do. You don't understand what goes through my head. Or why I say I'm heartless. Or why I write sad things all the time. Or why I'm so angry. You called me fake and I'll never forget that because in that moment you didn't know me. The real me, anyway. To know the real me, you must understand that I am depressed and broken and scared and raging. You think that I'm lying and called it an act. It was never an act, it was who I was. 

He stood there watching her try to breathe as nurses surrounded her. He made himself believe that this moment would't come. And that he wouldn't have to experience it. Because the pain would be too much to handle. But he stayed there, stuck to the wall watching her last breath of air leave her mouth. And then listening to the heartbeat machine go flat. And he watched as they all left the room after calling the time of death. He had just watched his friend die right in front of him. And he died too.

And at the end of the day, we all laughed at how funny life was. And all of us in our drunk voices didn't sound very intoxicated at all. In fact, every single word we said about this life was true, but we were just too afraid to say it sober. Because then, it would be true. But with these drinks in our hands and this craziness in our minds, we wouldn't remember anything at all. And we wouldn't remember us saying that in this selfish, cruel and weird life, there could be happiness, but we'd die and never appreciate it fully. 

It's funny to me that I even entered this contest because now that I'm writing, I can't even remember a moment when I was truly flooding with happiness. So, I'm going to write about one of the most emotional yet beautiful days of my life. It was the day I came out as bisexual to my best friend. I had told her that I had something very very important to tell her at lunch. She wasn't very anxious to find out what it was because she can wait. I wouldn't be surprised if she waited in a 4 hour line for ride. Anyway, I was nervous. And scared. And just packed with emotions I can't begin to explain. When lunchtime came, I was a wreck. I met up with my best friend outside and we started walking around the schoolyard. I started off by telling her how nervous I was to say this and how afraid I was too. Then she told me she was scared when I said that I was scared. And you can only imagine how much more my head started pounding. I told her that I was different but not in a bad way and that my dad doesn't really like people that are this. Then she asked if I was a lesbian and I chuckled and said no. A few moments later, the word "bi" slipped out of my mouth. "I'm bi.", I then told her a little louder. And then my eyes welled up with tears as she started talking more. She realized that I was letting tears fall and I told her that I was scared she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. She said that she'd always be my friend and that I should I tell my other friend, Juliana. Before I could say anything she was walking to me with Juliana next to her. I said I didn't want to tell Juliana, so I let my best friend tell her for me. Then Juliana was like "Okay." with a smile. And I cried some more after that. I hugged and cried with them and let it all out. I thought they would hate me was what I managed to get out between sobs. They promised that they would never.

This seems very sad but at that one moment when those two words came out of my mouth, I never felt more free. I never felt more like myself. And when I cried and hugged my two friends, I never felt more accepted and alive before. It was a feeling that you only experience once. It was that one feeling where you are yourself and nothing can get in the way of that. It was when I truly felt extraordinary and that is a moment where I've never felt happier. Basically, that day was the day I truly started living. And that day I was a happy that I've never felt before. Coming out was just a life changer for me. And I'd do anything to feel that firework in me again.