Falling in love with you was

easy.

Being fourteen was not.

I was competitive for your attention, your affection and your time.

There was always some new girl to be on the lookout for.

Another blonde in my way.

Falling out of love with you was

impossible.

I tried

a lot.

I failed

every time.

With the sun on my skin and the sand in my hair...

I stood before you inhaling the salty air.

Your waves crashed into my feet on the shore

Your deep blue waters had me content to my core.

I longed for this day and it was everything I had ever hoped it would be.

With my brothers, my sister, my Dad and me.

The sea speaks to my soul in a way I cannot explain.

The peace you bring me is like no other I can attain.

I will forever hold onto my memory of you.

& the amazing wonder that was my first ocean view.

So many days spent wondering why.

Upset that I never got to say goodbye.

I'll never accept that you're no longer here.

Can't think about it without shedding a tear.

I miss your voice, your laugh, your hugs and your smile.

Didn't expect to ever live without you... or at least not for a long while.

Each day without you i'll think of you still. love you so much and always will.

I used to be so confident.

I stood with my head held high.

Now I don't make eye contact.

I don't small talk. I've become so shy.

I used to be outgoing.

I sought attention and was loud.

Now I'm pretty quiet.

I don't go out. I avoid the crowd.

I used to think I was pretty.

I was reassured of this daily.

Now I don't even know.

It takes a lot more makeup lately.

I used to be thin.

My clothes were a much smaller size

Now I'm so unhappy with my appearance.

This girl... I barely recognize.

I used to take a lot of photos.

I was a bit of a camera whore.

Now, I only take selfies.

No full body shots anymore.

I miss who I was.

I miss that fun girl.

Now, I live a little more reserved.

I hide from the cruel world.

I'm a homebody & I enjoy that.

But, sometimes it would be nice to go out.

These days I care too much what others think

I'm afraid of being talked about.

"Look at her.

She used to be so pretty, so small.

What happened to her?

Doesn't she care at all?"

I used to be so sure that I would always be pretty

... oh and thin.

Now, I need to make some changes.

Starting with the outside...working in.

My heart weighs heavy in a time like this.

My mind is overwhelmed thinking about all the memories you'll miss.

... Or rather those who will miss you.

Your daughter. Your sons. Your grandchildren too.

I could break down and cry.

I could show my love with a hug.

I can say that I'm sorry...

But, words are not enough.

Our friendship ended some years ago

You became someone that I didn't know

I trusted you- no matter what

Until one day I had this feeling deep in my gut

You weren't the same friend that I once knew

Doing things I never thought you would do

You crossed a line and my world began to spin

You were my best friend, my sister through thick and thin!

I called you so many times to let you tell your side

You never answered the phone... You were like a coward who could only hide

I didn't get an apology until this past year

Finally the words "I'm sorry" - I was able to hear

While I'm sure you meant every word you said

It doesn't change the feelings I have in my heart and in my head

I thought our friendship was life long

But, I also thought you would never do me so wrong

Your life changed when you met her.

She made you smile in ways you didn't think were possible.

She made her presence known...

She injected herself into you.

You latched on immediately.

She made you fall in love.

She told you lies and you believed them.

She told you that you couldn't live without her.

She made you sick when she wasn't around.

And, sicker when she was too hard to find.

She took your time. Your money. Your sanity.

She came between you and your health. Your friends. Your family. Your wife.

Yes, wife. You... A married man. Having an affair with a monster you couldn't let go.

She became more important than everyone and everything.

She didn't care if you had a wife, a home...if you had bills to pay. Or, if you had a meal. She wanted you to be hungry for her. And, her only.

She made you a different person. She made you do things for her that you otherwise never would have done.

She took you away from everything.

She pushed you into corners you couldn't escape.

Into rooms you were locked in.

She watched you sit in a cell and she waited for you to return.

You'd let her go for awhile but she always found her way back...

She convinced you that you needed her...

She knew how to manipulate you.

She crawled into your veins and made you hers.

You finally realized the control she had over you.

You told her it was over.

You met up now and then but you only felt worse... No longer better.

You wanted your wife. Your home. Your family.

You enjoyed your money... Your job and your freedom.

You were free. Free in the world and free from her.

I walk in your room... It's still looks the same

I miss everything about you, even the way you said my name

I look around as I sit on the edge of your bed

The last time I saw you I replay in my head...

"I love you too, sweetheart" is what you said to me that day

And, every time I think of you... I want to talk to you, I need to pray

Seeing your wallet and all the photos that you had inside

...Tears well up and from Grandma, I am trying to hide

I don't want her upset so I try to put on a smile

We lay there on your bed looking at pictures for awhile

It's hard to be in your room and see all your things in their usual place

But, I don't want it to change... This is your space

Your glasses, your t-shirts, and slippers are here...

And, while you may be gone physically... I still feel you near

It's been 7 months and I miss you just the same as before...

Actually... I think I miss you every day a little more

I know now you're watching out for us from up above

Thank you, Papa for the memories and years of love.

At night, I lie awake

Anxiety takes over and I cannot ease my mind

Worrying and wondering

... I fear I'll never unwind

Heavy eyed and sleepy

Watching the seconds pass by

Longing to dream

... & to get some shut eye