"dont go... dont go"

my heart whispers as i hold you close

fingers tracing your chest hair

Ive learned long ago that im not the best judge of character

but this time...this time...

snoring gently on my chest

tanned cheeks gently resting

so beatiful on my yellow shirt

dark lashes thickly curving-

I wait for the moment you stir

turning blue eyes upward

to gaze at the face of one

who loves you.

waves of passion steam

the windows gasping

for air as you fill me

deep

Truck bouncing in

dim street lights

Like naughty teenagers who

cant bear to wait

We connect sweat

dripping hands

gripping

faces nuzzling

bodies pushing

deeper always further

Closer

[le petit mort

I finally understand

not an ending but

ascending

we open the door

to heaven]

time stretches on

we don’t disconnect

You hold me

All safety and strength

And I

All softness and warmth

unspoken comfort

bodies close with

dripping bliss

You can't see beyond your own reflection

your own imperfections

what a stunted existence

how sad and addicting

contagious and bewitching.

You pulled me down with you

sucked into your reflection

reassuring and absolving

all your imperfections.

For you I cast aside 

my needs and my desires

my childhood traumas

my own magic and fire-

disappearing slowly

to die on your pyre.

_____________________________________

I see now that we were never lovers,

I was merely your audience.

I feel awake and warm 

walking into the blue flashes of the sky

skirt swaying at my knees

the world feels both alive and deadly quiet

the thick grey of the evening bursts with light

as I watch on what feels like a drunken stupor

All the world is a nightclub

desolate

desperate

yet pulsing with energy

In the dark bar our eyes were locked

broken only by glances at each other’s smile

and your brief cigarette breaks

where I sat, long purple dress

and a soda float in hand.

Those days I took your nonchalance as mystery.

More bar nights, less eye contact

only a brief squeeze of my knee

as I sat alone

in a crowded room.

Each time another man would ask “are you ok?”and I would offer 

the same sad smile I’ve seen on women my whole life.

Later you held me as I drunkenly cried

rare tears of insecurity

saying softly “baby please, I love you”.

Yet in the morning you stared

silently out the kitchen window.

Perhaps you never saw the universe in me after all.

I thought he saw me

I thought he saw the table, freshly laid out-

a meal so beautiful it was art.

I thought he saw me

standing there in my dress and apron

hair disheveled from stovetop heat.

Did he think I was beautiful?

Was he thanking the heavens for

finding a woman like me?

I couldn’t tell you, honestly.

His silence is loud and

I feel my petals falling-

dying off for lack of sunlight

on a fragile heart. 

I love the way I jiggle as I walk

a hipsway that pulls you in

thick thighs to cushion your bones 

as you plunge deeper inside

finding a home