March fourth, the day I have dreaded since it broke my soul two years ago. Yes, two years ago. I lost my virtue to a man-child who ignored the first time I told him I loved him to keep thrusting into his own pleasures. March fourth, when I became a disappointment of a life to him. I hate the fourth of March. I hate the nineteenth and twenty-ninth of January. I hate september third. I hate that day of Midnight June when I asked if if he would marry me. I told him no bullshit, just an answer. I didn't need excuses. He said no. He didn't love. He liked my body, adn even that wasn't enough.

Two years. March Fourth Two thousand eighteen. Two years. This, he's captured my heart. Not a fuckboy looking for some nudes or someone telling me I am to blame for those two-years-ago. He's young, the very definition of awkward, and he has no sure path he wants to follow. But he knows he wants me to be there. He wants me, me, to be there to motivate him and give him hope. Today, march 4, I asked with the hesitance only heartbreak can bring if he saw us married in the future. If he saw us together. He said we don't know what the future holds, but he hopes we do. He says he would be happy if we could.

I don't know if these tears

are from those two yearts

ago when I wept

myself to when we first met.

September third.

I don't know if I cry

because he doesn't lie

becasue he's gentle and kind

and we find a similar state of mind-

each other.

I thought I had experienced love before. I thought I knew gentleness when he watched me cry with an ache in his eyes two years ago.

Now, I wonder how I could've been so blind. We're enjoying the now we have, with gentle confessions and flustering conversations. I never knew love could be this colorful.

I never love love could be like this

~March 4, 2018

Take my heart.

I don't need it

To

Love

(2/5/18)

the dreary sighs

become more lies 

this Life is not perfect 

a couple will stand 

with another offered hand 

and so a heart will fall 

Will you die little beast

Buzzing and buzzing 

To wrought the chill 

Your blades make on my skin 

And the heat you permit to fester  

Your garbled words keep their shrill 

And my head aches still 

I have tugged once-

Twice, thrice- 

Yet you do not stutter 

The clicks that clack 

Take me back 

To the times in my own kitchen 

Back in my childhood home 

The one room in which I was protected 

From the rumbles of snores, 

The lonely moans of the dark, 

And the creek of doors hidden behind

You do not give me peace 

Because you do not listen as the first did 

All those years ago 

Your light is faded-

Tainted-

So I cannot find protection in your trills 

Just keep on humming 

And trilling and stumbling 

You can't bring my innocence back 

You will tell me lies I've heard before 

Of the many who have left 

But your jealousy only rots your warmth

Your air- the chills 

It fabricates on my neck 

They lie of your hard earned respect-

Keep it all 

This home is not mine 

And you don't own my soul- 

But you have my cage 

And I can not leave. 

I have nowhere to go 

No home with protection or childlike innocence- 

You have won. 

But your falling tears are still mine to pull 

When he calls

I know my heart will mutter

My lips will still

and my knees will stutter

His tears will wash my skin 

with man's sin

I recall what we had been 

And will never be 

Because of me

The whispers, the sighs

The forbidden tangles of our thighs 

Interlocked lips and open eyes

I remember the nightmare in disguise 

Of a dream 

It would only seem 

For my skin is not clean

But burned 

By him

What do I say?

What will I pray? 

Forever distant, 

but still so Close

My heart is persistent

With his little woes

Can I just say goodbye

And finally die

With a new life from this place 

So that I can make haste 

To the path I need 

With my heart as a new seed?

When he calls

I will not stutter 

But my heart will flutter.

I'll say what I must to the eyes 

Who promised me the skies.