As I sit here

waiting for you to arrive

I think about that day

constantly trying to imagine

Just what you might look like

wondering what color hair

you will have

thinking about what color

your eyes will be

Picturing the beautiful smile

I know you will have

I sit here and I wonder these things

Because I can't see you now

You are so close to me,

and I love you so much already,

yet I don't even know you

But still I await patiently

as if time can't go by fast enough

But the day that you do arrive

I won't mind if time

just abruptly stops

To give me time to take you in

To remember the color

of every strand of hair

on your perfect little head

So I can memorize the color

of your precious eyes

even when they're not open

And allowing me to enjoy ever inch

of that big sweet smile

And then after all that

time can start going again,

just not as fast as i wish it would now

And not as fast as I know it will

once I get to hold you.

I didn't give him a chance

To be what he should've been

He was sweet and caring

Always there for me

As I got hurt by other guys

Awaiting patiently the day

He got his turn

To do it the right way

He gave me advice

And was never selfish

Wouldn't tell me to leave a guy

That we both knew

Would leave eventually

Regardless of the large amount

That he wanted me for himself

Instead telling me genuinely

To do what made me truly happy

I knew he'd treat me the right way

He made me more than happy

A single day didn't go by

That my smile would be caused

By just the sound of his name

He was so gentle and romantic

With the perfect joking touch

Why didn't I ever give him a Chance to be more

Than just a friend

When you fall apart, there's nothing you can really do. Once it starts , you're screwed. You can't stop it, only prolong it. You can't really fix it till you've completely fallen apart. When every piece of you is laid out on the cold hard ground. For a long while , you feel like absolutely nothing. A nobody . A nothing. You're just there , but you don't feel like you're there. You just have to be. You struggle , cry, get mad , depressed, and break down more than ever before . Except , it doesn't even matter. All you're feelings are dull. You don't really care how tomorrow goes. Just as long as you can get it over with. Then one day you decide you're ready to heal ; be put back together. You put on a fake smile , you try to tell your self if you think you're fine and okay that you'll eventually believe it. Until , sadly, you realize that's not how it works. You have to first find all your pieces , then slowly try and put them together. Turning each piece around and around, flipping it over trying to make it fit . Try to find where it goes. You have to commit to actually trying everyday at something. Start with something simple, like actually waking up before its night again. Or actually wearing clothes that match , and make you look like an actual civilized person ; instead of a person living in a box. You can't think about sad things. They just bring you back down. You have to think your happiest thoughts . You have to try and be happy. But it's not easy and it doesn't really work like that. It's more like an up and down roller coaster for a year or two before you finally feel back together , like you're pieces are all in their original place .. But that's not how it is. You never really heal. You're never fully put back together. Any negative thing at all that brings up the thought of what tore you apart piece by piece , just pulls you apart a few pieces at a time. It will always be easier to fall apart then be put back together. But truth is , you're always going to be missing some pieces ; you'll never truly be put all the way back together.

As we lie there side by side, I thought about many things.

For example , his distinct smell that belongs to only him, his rough but gentle hands grasping ahold of mine , our bodies so close in a sweet relaxed way we could almost be one. As I thought that, I started to believe it. Every inch of us tangled up with the other. We lie there completely silent , with nothing but our own breathing. It's really romantic , just intertwined with another . Not wanting anything more , than to lie here with the other in complete and utter silence ; wrapped around each other. I noticed how his fore arm always lines up perfectly to my neck and , his chest to my head. How his head rests on mine and we're basically supporting each other in a different kind of way. It seems that no matter which way we lie down together we seem to fit perfectly. And as we lie there side by side , so sweet and silent , I noticed one more thing. Our breathing was timed exactly to the others, almost as if we are synced together . Every time I inhale ; he inhales . I exhale ; he exhales. In this moment I knew , not that I ever doubted ; we were meant for each other.

He took me out to dinner, and held my hand . That night he planted a kiss on my forehead . The very next day he called saying he had to see me again. That night we went to a movie , and I watched the movie with his arm around my waist and my head on his chest. That night he lightly planted a kiss on my cheek. Then said , "till tomorrow?". Only letting my hand go, after agreeing to do so. The very next day we went out to dinner , and after we watched the stars from my balcony. That night he planted the perfect kiss on my lips with his hands tight on my waist. He looked up to me and said , "Every time right before I kiss you, my whole body goes numb. Not because I don't want to, because between the short moment from when I close my eyes and touch my lips to you, I get scared . That you wouldn't have wanted me to. That's why the first night I kissed your forehead , and the second only your cheek. Tonight I went for your lips , and you kissed me back too. Now I'll never go numb again, because I'll know you'll kiss me too."

A world that's all my own . A world where I am loved , and cherished . A place that would be upset and destroyed by the loss of me . Not a place that I rule , or own. Just a place that I exist and am known. Somewhere that recognizes me by my name not "that girl". Where they actually know I'm someone .

I keep looking in a mirror

I don't know why

I see the antonym of beautiful

Flaws covering my face

Insecurities hiding in my eyes

Insults written on my skin

Imperfections leaking from my lips

Sexiness nonexistent because of my flat chest and butt

I still manage to look in the mirror

Everyday upon awakening

Because deep down I pray that one day

I'll feel as pretty as the other girls I see

But all I ever see is the me I don't wanna be

The tears pouring

down my face

On my cheeks

and off my chin

They tend to keep me up sometimes

because there are so many

They blur my vision

Taking my sight

I taste the salt

left from my tears

Only to bring more than before

I'm scared the whole room will fill

and I'll drown

right here in them

But at least it'd stop them from coming

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad

Thoughts ponderin, and wondering keep me up at night

Each one in a race

to the front of my mind

just trying to gain a little more attention time

The more you think about one thought

the harder it is to break it off

But the longer you think about just that one

the more eager the rest become

to be the one thought

you're thinking of

I'm scared to go to sleep

Thinking all these thoughts will suffocate me

But maybe that wouldn't be so bad

I'm emotional

I tend to freak out about things that don't even matter

Make little things

Into gigantic things

I'll be happy one minute

just to frown the next

I can't quite control it

But I know I'm not bipolar

For the most part I'm happy

Practically always

But when I get sad

You'd think my whole family

Died from a tsunami

When I'm mad you'd think

That the devil has took me

But when I'm happy

You'd think I just won the lottery

But I'm more emotional

than Id like to admit