“mom...Mom! MOMM!?!!?!!” My voice breaks as I hear the steady beats become one.

I hear all of the doctors yelling over one another, “we’re losing her! -CLEAR! - hold pressure!” And then everything’s silent. Everything but the slight buzz and excruciating pounding noise in my own head.

BUM BUMM

BUM BUMMM

BUM BUMM

I didn’t even get to hold her as she died.

She’s just... gone

My entire body shakes and trembles, but I can’t move, I can’t think.

My mom, the woman who brought me into the fucking shitty world!

She can’t be gone. She can’t be.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -Day 3 after- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“What do you mean we can’t hold a funeral there?” My dad yells exasperatedly at the phone.

“I’m sorry sir, but with everything that’s going on lately, we are trying to help flatten the curve, you have to understand, with the stay at home order issued by the governor, all venues are closing down to help with social distancing”

“Fuck social distancing!” He shouts, “my wife, the love of my life, my children’s mother, is dead. I have a 17, 12, and 5 year old, and you expect me to explain to them that their mother is just gone?!”

“I am truly sorry, there’s nothing we can do sir”

“Of course not,” he responds rubbing his temples, “I’m sorry, it’s not your fault, thank you for trying.”

“Really, sir, if there is anything else we can do-“

“No, it’s fine, I’m good, thank you, have a good day,” my dad says curtly as he hangs up the phone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -1 month after- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I close the computer, shoving my math work to the side of the table. I just finished my school work for the day, and it’s just about lunch time. I walk over to the charger in my room to grab my phone, and pull open the news app as I walk to the kitchen.

“President hoping to call off social distancing acts to jumpstart the economy”

I stare at the headline for a second, marveling at the stupidity. I know the entire economy is a total mess right now. Millions are attempting to work at home, and millions of those who can’t have been laid off. But, we don’t even have a vaccine at this point. Hospitals are still lacking necessary materials. My mom died from this, but somehow the best plan of action is to spread it around more and take more children’s parents and grandparents from them.

Great. We have an idiot in office. And the world is going to shreds. Wonderful time to be alive, isn’t it?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -6 months after- - - - - - - - - - - -

I sprint down into the living room after hearing my dad say the magic words we’ve all been hoping for.

“They created a vaccine”

Tears start streaming down my face. We’ve been waiting for this since the day Mom died. If only she’d had access to it, maybe things would’ve turned out different. But, it finally exists now.

The entire economy is a mess now, but this is the road to recovery.

Over the past couple of months, the stay at home mandates have slowly disappeared, as the government tried to encourage people to return to work. But, as I imagined, people are weary of going out. Nobody wants to get infected. However, without the economy moving, we still have huge problems.

Even with the vaccine, life will be different... and I’m worried.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -1 year after- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I’m applying for colleges right now. Or at least trying to. I’m not a bad student, I have a 3.4 unweighted gpa right now. But that doesn’t tell anything about me as a student... does it? It doesn’t explain my work ethic, my passions, or anything about my intelligence. It’s just a number a group of randomly selected teachers assigned to me. But somehow colleges thought it to be a great plan to not require SATs or ACTs. Where does that leave me?

I don’t have many extracurriculars, jobs, or volunteer work that I did. Not for lack of trying, but after what happened with my mom, my dad has been extra careful about us being in public spaces.

It seems like everybody wants to go in-state now, so I’m just hoping I’ll get in. I’m not even worried about a scholarship at this point. However, college prices are crazy expensive after everything that happened, and I don’t have that kind of money. I can’t afford college without taking out debts that’ll follow me the rest of my life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -5 years after- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I haven’t read any of this since I was filling out my college applications. And a lot has happened since then. You’d think everything would be over by now. But no, not yet.

No amount of time will erase the millions of lives that were lost. Nothing will make me forget my mom, or the flatline sound of her heart stopping. But not everything stopped. The cycle of life and death continues. Babies are still being born, completely innocent, and unaware of the complete disaster we went through. And people are still dying of disease, and old age. Everybody knows that war changes people. I’d never planned to go to war though. And its over, everything’s balancing out again. So I should be good. I should be able to move on with my life.

Everything is done and over with. We are all moving on with our life’s. But the small voice in my mind, the image of my dead mother, my rejected college applications, my community college debt, the eviction from my apartment, my declined job applications, all of it tells me, nothing is over, not yet.

I missed you, did I ever tell you that?

We hadn’t talked in over a month, and stubborn as I am, I didn’t call. I didn’t text. I didn’t even say hi. But, that’s how it always is isn’t it. We both know I’m not a gryffindor. I don’t have a single grain of courage, and somehow that applies to picking up a phone and typing a message. Maybe that’s why we work so well together, you make up for my stupidity, stubbornness, and lack of courage. I missed that.

Go to sleep, eat your dinner, do your homework..!

I’m not your mom, much as I sound like it sometimes. But, you have to sleep. No, I’m not trying to get you off the phone. I could talk with you until 6 am the next morning, but it’s almost midnight. You have a test. You need rest. And, I see it in your eyes, fluttering, struggling to stay open. You’re tired, go to sleep. Goodnight, I....

“I adore you.”

Shut up. LALALALALALA!! I can’t hear youuuuu. Yeah sorry, I can’t take a compliment. Don’t spite me please. You know what, I adore you too, everything about you. You’re the most wonderful person my presence has ever been graced with in my menial existence. HA, how do you like that? I adore YOU.

I actually do adore you.... it wasn’t just sarcasm

I hope that you know I wasn’t joking. Sure, it was sarcastic, to counter what you said about me. But, that’s how it is with us. We just skip around with sarcasm, and debates, and silly arguments. I hope you know, I mean what I say sometimes. Not when I say you’re rude, not when I say I hate you, not when I say you’re mean to me. I never mean that. Everything you do is endearing, it lifts my spirits every day I talk to you. It’s not always sarcasm.

You’re my best friend.

I have nothing to say but that, you’re my best friend. Through everything my own brain and my own thoughts put me through, somehow you’re always there. I don’t believe in the glorified Hollywood idea of best friends where you just have a single friend, and that’s the only person you always talk to, and have an eternal bond with secret meeting places. But, if that were to exist, I’d want to have that with you. I’d want to do all the stupid stuff with you. Sneak out of the house, go to prom, build a treehouse, share a college dorm together, go on a road trip together, scream lyrics at the top of our lungs, get drunk when we’re 21, go to a karaoke club for all I care. I want memories with you.

I don’t know how else to say it. And no, it’s not a traditional way to say it. But, I don’t care. I missed you, take care of yourself, I adore you, it’s not sarcasm, I want memories with you.

I don’t know when I first realized..... It must’ve been gradually sneaking up on me; crawling into my brain like those rats I despise crawl onto my makeshift bed each night. Maybe I’ve gone mad. Become a raving rabid lunatic like those very rats. No. It’s not me. It can’t be me. I am sane. I swear, I swear... I swear. Check my blood, scan my brain, test my taste buds for all I care. I can still taste the dry stale bread I had this morning. I stole it. Proudly I did. My name is Jean Valjean, and I did not forget your name... John...Jason... Jahv... stupid... stupid... I am not stupid! My name is Jean Valjean. 24601.... 2460... 2...4.... I....don’t remember. I don’t remember. Why can’t I remember? Ah, my mother. Sweet and kind. She took me to the theater when I was a young girl. She cooked me warm meals, her homemade chili. She made my bed for me, and topped it off with my favorite plush toy: Mr. Snuggles. He‘s the most ferocious of the dragons, yet the most gentle at heart. Even now, he sits atop my bed each night. It may not be the majestic throne he’s used to, but we make do. Oh there he is now. He’s flying off in the distance with my mother... I should... yes, I should join them. I will join tonight. I want to be under the stars that raised me when my mother was too far away to. She was always like an angel, it’s only rational that she should join them. I don’t know when I first realized.....I must’ve been trying too hard to get away. I can’t handle it most days. I’m sane.... It’s not me. I’m fine.... I swear, I swear... I swear. It’s them who’s crazy. It’s them who’s broken. Them who’s dysfunctional. Them who put themselves in a bad situation. Them who deserves it. It’s them who needs help! I don’t need help. I’m fine. It’s me versus Them. Somehow I’m the sane one. Them fights wars across nations: placing innocents in the cross fire. Them votes for corrupt politicians: worshipping their worst faults. Them is prejudiced against their own: killing people for being themselves. It is Them who has gone mad, Them who is broken, Them who has been shattered one too many times, Them who needs to be fixed. It’s Them who needs help. I don’t know when I first realized...that I’m not crazy. I don’t know when I first realized that I can’t fix Them. I don’t know when I first realized that it was time for me to give up. But, it’s my time now. It’s time for me to crawl back into the grimy earth I came from, like those rats I despise ever so. Or it’s time for me to fly with Mr. Snuggles, up on that castle on a cloud, where my dreams might come true. I’ll be free. This is my curtain call. I’ve chosen my path, far away from Them, and I’m going wherever it’ll take me. One last wandering, and I’ll be free. One last wandering.

You might already be in high school, or just entering. Either way, you have about four years to explore anything and everything.

Join extracurriculars, start new hobbies, research possible interests, and don’t be scared to try something new. I’m 16 and will be a junior next school year, and even though I still have time before thinking of college and jobs, and life after being a teenager, I wish I had spent more of my time in previous years exploring different interests. I don’t know what that’d mean for you, maybe you’d join theater, write a song, learn a coding language, run a marathon, learn an instrument, research microorganisms, or try out for the soccer team. My point is, there is an endless possibility of things that you can do with your time, so spend it wisely. I wouldn’t go as far to say chase your dreams, you may not know what they are yet, but explore them, and enjoy exploring them.

Our broken house

Our house of glass

Our dual system where

Honesty has passed

Honestly they act in the face of lies

Honestly they claim to do their jobs

Honestly I don’t know why

Anyone believes their slop

Anybody who thinks them honest

Anybody against the witnesses

Anybody who fights against fair trial

Are they even a citizen

Are they a citizen of truth

Are they a citizen of morals

Are they a citizen of equality

Who fights for what’s lawful

Where is our house

Where is our system of honesty

Where is our opportunity

Our protection from tyranny

Our broken house it seems,

Our house has by-passed

Our system of fairness

Of our Bicameral House of Glass

“I am gone quite mad with the knowledge of accepting the overwhelming number of things I can never know, places I can never go, and people I can never be.”

- Sylvia Plath

I love this quote because it speaks to a huge fear of mine; I don’t want to run out of time to accomplish my aspirations. So, I love how this perfectly sums up my thoughts into one sentence where I can articulate how I feel.

We live in a world of humans

Where what I say has no meaning

Until you choose to let the words root

Inside your mind and into being

Words grow invasively like a tulip

Breaking through the soil

And they create a path of ruin

Everywhere the ground was destroyed

Because words are stupid

I could make a kerfuffle of sound

And be undisputed

Or could speak utter poppycock

And make everyone around me clueless

And all the nitwits in the world

Would finally be lucid

Since everyone‘ll say words are stupid

They are so convoluted

But are the most ingenious

Because of all the people included

In the magic of human speech

We live in a world of humans

Where a word can mean love

Or make the kindest people wounded

And that paradox of speech is why

Words are stupid