I hurt myself again,

drinking each night to black out the person I will never be. 

And who I hate with a passion.

I worked so hard yet for a scarred liver that pumps toxins 

and can no longer stand internal issues and mental disorders.

Lungs crying to let the cigarette go and wheezing in agony to stop the murder

of a body that is not meant for a great destiny. 

I hate what I have done.

Periodontal Disease and bone loss,

yet I keep on with self destruction.

Bones crumbling under pressure,

bowels that do not work as they should anymore.

Chewing ice for medical issues and reasons.

A body that cannot go on in this matter.

You destroyed my mouth, my winning smile.

You didn't care until I reached underweight but not enough for society.

Not enough for myself and not enough to be loved by others. 

2am and drunk again

counting down the minutes till my life will end

What catastrophe

what epiphany 

will try to fix me?

Church on a Sunday

will try to help me

but cannot save the

demons within me

Growing fatter by  minutes

can't wrap my head around it

while old habits are embedded

Lost cause and don't seem to be worth it. 

The digital clock strikes 12:24. My favorite and lucky numbers!

The day I was brought into this world.

Now it strikes 12:25. The date when our savior was estimated to be born on Christmas Day.

A mistake? I coincidence?

Maybe he loves me more than I thought possible?

My fate was sealed in a bottle and sent to drift at sea

Feelings of guilt from a Son

Yet the Father knew that things would turn out the way planned

In destiny

I’ve got a crush on you

When I don’t need a distraction,

You came along

And I can’t concentrate on my life

And studies

Because of you

I want to play.

Yet I don’t want to hurt

For I am the rabbit

Who becomes the lion

The cougar

The black cat

Known to scratch the backs of hearts

And leaves a mark on your soul

Are you ready for that burden?

The biggest dating mistake of your life

I can be an honor

Or your worst nightmare

So let me in

The smell of ash and fire in the air flows from the back room being set on ablaze. 

The doors nailed shut and keys thrown to Hell while the agonizing screams of pain and begging for forgiveness by lives spent on disability burn like a prisoner on death row crying for life.

The flames eat away at the flesh while blood bubbles boil like a twisted science experiment. The skin peels off the muscle revealing a carcass of pure bones. 

Finally, cleansed from your lives of sin, lack of patience, compassion, and intelligence while no one can no longer hear the pitiful screams. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a first draft and will be revised later. 

Cold as ice

Heart stitched with a rusty needle and cheap thread that keeps unwinding

Emotions gone-

Heart ripped from the confides of a ribcage

Blood spewing as the flesh and skin tear

As an emotionless hand holds a beating heart

Pumping and pumping

While the hand starts to squeeze the beating muscle

And the grip tightens

And penetrates the heart

Squeezing and squeezing

The suffocating organ starts to gasp for air and begs its torturer for mercy

No longer wanting to feel emotion or human touch

One final squeeze and time stops-ice forms on a once beating life

The blood freezes and muscle starts to rot

A frozen escape for a broken heart

I am my Tia’s twin

Twisted and torn apart by adults

who never learned to love and understand

the sensitivity and emotional needs that were never met

by a loving hand and heart.

Made to feel worthless by ‘loving’ individuals who could not handle out minds.

Wired by a different circuit

and handled with water

Instead of needs.

Until it was too late.

PERSONAL NOTE:

This was written as a biblical assignment for an undergraduate literature course titled  Animal 101 at University of California Santa Cruz 2011. This was based off of Genesis In the Beginning. 

    In the beginning, there was darkness, yet the Bunnie God was there. His name was

King Humpsalot and with a wave of his mighty snow-white paw, he created the bunnie

heavens, planets, stars, sun, moon and the Earth. The Earth was dark, so he called

the darkness Night and he called the light Day; which indicated the start of new days. Pleased with his work, King Humpsalot settled his fluffy head onto a cloud pillow on his bunnie cloud in Bunnie Heaven and rewarded himself with a nice, long nap.

    On the second day, King Humpsalot created the climate of the Earth. Clouds began to fill the bright blue skies, the sun shined through for morning light. The temperature was not too hot nor too cold. But the Bunnie God was not done. Something was missing on his Earth, something big. The Bunnie God had more ideas.

     On the third and fourth day, King Humpsalot created the oceans, lakes, waters and the grassy fields of the earth. The clouds began to darken, the light faded, the mighty wind began to blow, the thunder, lightning cracked across the sky and with a thump of his hind leg, the Earth shook and the ocean’s surface began to rise, forming the tall mountains, the green trees, the land. And the Bunnie King was pleased for he had created the Heavens the Earth, the solar system, the sun and moon, the waters and the land. But something was still missing, something did not seem right. The Bunnie King thought and soon had an idea.

       On the fifth day, King Humpsalot created a rabbit in his own image. Using his strong buck teeth, he twisted around to his back and pulled out a chump of white fur from his cotton cottontail. He then started to mold the fur with his paws; molding the hair like clay. When he finished, he had a chunky, white male dwarf rabbit with cherry colored eyes and tiny ears. He called the rabbit, Pinkie Binkie and placed him on a cloud that would float him to Earth.

    “Go forth, My Pinkie Binkie, go forth and live amongst the trees, burrow in the soft

ground, make a house for yourself, eat the carrots in the valley and the grass that grows on my

soil!”

      With that said, on the sixth day, Pinkie did as he was told when he reached the Earth. He burrowed great tunnels under the earth for his bedding and living quarters. He ate from the veggies that grew in the soil, ate the neon grass from the fields, ate the apples that fell from the trees. Pinkie had everything that a fat rabbit could ask for, but something was missing and the

Bunny God noticed. He had an idea.

     That night when Pinkie was sleeping under the stars (it was too warm and nice to sleep in the burrow), Sir Humpsalot took one of his bunnie ribs and molded it into a female Silver Martin rabbit with chocolate colored eyes, liquorish fur at the top, white eyeliner and a white belly whom he named Betty Page. When Pinkie awoke on the seventh day, he discovered his new friend.

       “Go forth, my bunnie children, go forth and multiply, produce more bunnies for the

world!” Pinkie thanked the Bunny God and walked with his new friend to the top of the hill to reproduce.

@Dandeliondancer