I had my out of body seizure for the first in quite some time. It's like everything swarms around and nothing makes sense and I can't communicate what I am or am not FEELING. My words get weird and don't make sense. My cognitive ability descends. I can't speak. I can't feel. I don't understand who or where I am. I think I've committed something I can't comprehend and everyone is staring at me waiting for an answer.

I sat down and took some bites trying to convince myself "I've got this." It's exhausting. 30 hours later my mind is still trying to rewire. It's like my brain just goes through and erases EVERYTHING. Memory, knowledge, comprehension. The hardest part? Emotion. It erases my own acknowledgment towards myself. I lose confidence. I lose a believing I will win. I lose positive curiosity. Yet I cannot feel a post traumatic stress the others would. I feel I've died. Again. And I'm most scared of having to restart. Rebuild. Again. And again.

Into what?

I don't know.

The dreamers forgot how to dream...

They envisioned their dreams so fresh

I'm not saying the dreams were deserted

The universe initially desired was a bang

It escalated into what was believed everybody wanted of them

Enraptured in their solar system haze

Yet stuck in their ways

They forgot how to rest

And fly to an untouched cloud

To reinvent a new dream

My insides detect what needs to flush out,

I feel I know where to start.

Though I've begun with energetic force,

I cannot unleash what's restricted.

I'd be happy with a brain fart.

So I guess here it goes...

As you know, I've been wanting to have an adult conversation for quite some time. I've always heard it's good to write a letter to somebody you'd like to express some things to, but not actually give it to them. Hold on to it as if it will be given until you feel you've gotten the angst out of your soul. I've actually done that before. I contemplated leaving it on your car. After realizing it was time to let go, I burnt the letter. After being around you somewhat often in comparison to the few years of the cutaway, I began wanting to let some things out again. I've felt you may need this letter even more than I do.

When you vanished I didn't understand initially what was happening. I honestly don't know exactly what I felt then, but I do know my heart was torn uncontrollably. They say if you're lucky you get to have that crazy passionate love once in your lifetime. Though my traumatic injury later on deleted a lot of scenes around that time frame in my life,  You are definitely something that will never disappear. Nobody will ever knock you away from the beautiful part of me. I don't at all hold remorse. Life has handed me way worse.

You know how there's the cliche "Everything happens for a reason..." saying in life? It does. I can't lie and say I've never wondered "what if". But there is no option. Instead I focus on the positive aspects of it all. I am happy for you and the wife you have and the daughter you have been given. Funny, when I first heard the name of her I immediately questioned if it had anything to do with us. Then you told me it did. Know this: I am so glad you took the route you did. I honestly don't feel you may have been able to handle the glass that was thrown at me. And most importantly, I KNOW you did not deserve having to deal with it. My brain cancer took over. It caused me to be somebody else. I would not have been capable of treating you how My soul wanted to. I couldn't even treat myself.  I did not know my own name, who I was, where I was from. My own immediate family couldn't handle this.

Somehow. Someway. I have survived this traumatic life event. I am in remission longer than most. The entire time I've held on to one thing through even reinventing myself: skydiving. I have to thank you for that. Had you not have stumbled upon me the way you did and sucked me into the sky I certainly would not be here today chasing the dreams nobody thought were even possible for me post-craniotomy and brain damage. If it weren't for you I may not have had something to hold on to that kept me awake. Because of you, I fell inlove. With you. With the sport. THANK YOU. I owe you a great deal f credit for my future accomplishments. Know you will always be in my thoughts. I will never act upon anything like we once did, but just know you will always be a place in this heart of even the new girl inside of me.

Like I've told you before, please continue to keep your positive energy as contagious as possible. I look forward to crossing paths continuously and connecting for a second in free fall.

Blue Skies.

So far, I have learned the most important action is to jump at life. For me, it's literal. You'll see why...

I grew up in a beautiful upper class area of 'life'. We were advised to be focused on major achievements to gain respect and success (makes lots of money). Yes, I was the smarty pants in school. Yes, I was successful at any hobby I would pick up on. Yes, I was in the process of making those around me proud of predicting how far I would excel based on their standards. No, I did not know what I actually wanted. Or who I was.

Fast forward-- At age 27 I was diagnosed with a borderline stage 3 malignant oligoastrocytoma. (A brain tumor you DO NOT want.) For quite some time prior I was in fact losing my soul. My love for life was diminishing, due in part to the tumor taking my cognitive behavior, but also because I was mainly focused on pleasing everyone around me and not myself.

Post craniotomy there was a remote time frame needed to reconstruct brain activity, but in turn helped me realize it is required that I jump at life.

In a sense I feel blessed to be handed a deck where I had to accept that my life may be traumatically shortened, in that I am focused on chasing what makes me actually alive and focusing on every milli-second. (You'll see why/how in a few...) In the beginning of recovery I did not know who I was, let alone who I could ever become. I did not know my name. I couldn't handle family photos with "me" in them. What's my mother's name? The only thing I held on to was the love for the sport I jumped into, (pun intended), a few years before my tumor took its toll.

I am in love with body flight and canopy piloting. I have full control. I am a skydiver. Rather than adhering to what others believe I should become I am reinventing myself and further in remission than what was predicted of my prognosis.

What many of us do not actually clench is that our lives can be captured sooner than planned. Life shoves sudden shock. We do not hold crystal balls. If given a time frame of life expectancy, would you be soaring the same sky you are in right now? Would you try to speed up and actually do "back burner" accomplishments? I greatly feared the possibility of me never even writing again since my brain damage caused a severe lapse of cognitive functioning. But here I am. I can't hold back anymore. I have to jump at life.

My passion has given me a focus on physical and mental well being. I focus on a hair of a second to ensure beautiful flight. Though it's difficult for those to perceive what my passion is, I do all I can one day at a time to achieve MY personal goals. I WILL achieve something that has been a goal since a young age but did not know what discipline it could be in: A WORLD RECORD. (I am actually in training for it right now.) I refuse to hold back on even humble ideas. I make all words as if they're my last. I can't waste time going through the motions. I can't hold on to past scenarios and let scars stand out. I can only let go of fear and engulf what I love in life. It is more than just skydiving. It has all given me light in my sky. It's taught me to jump at life.

Don't forget

The winds are turbulent

At times

thermals raise

Your flight.

Dust devils detroy

The landing

Try to fly

Don't remember

Blue Skies Black Death