On feeling secure and isolation

I struggle with feeling secure in my polycule.

Some days are better than others, but most of the time I have this lingering feeling that I don't belong here. Now, my polycule is wonderful. I am loved, heard, and seen. No one makes fun of me for having a bad day. In fact, it's encouraged that I talk about my feelings. However, this has been so hard to do because I am used to fading into the background and bottling things up. I isolated myself when I needed help because I didn't want to take up too much space.

I called it "being the low-maintenance partner".

If I didn't have needs, I wouldn't need help. I convinced myself that I could handle everything without mentioning it to my partners. Therapy was good enough. All I had to do was work things out. Of course, this method didn't work. I was miserable and felt alone. I would go to bed every night wondering if being in my polycule was a mistake. I'm learning that unless I am vulnerable and honest, I will keep feeling miserable. My needs can't be met if I am unwilling to communicate.

Yesterday, I decided to be open about how I was feeling. At first, my mind kept going blank because I'm used to pretending that I'm okay. Honestly, I didn't express myself like I wanted to, but I'm proud of myself for avoiding isolation. I do think that's a step in the right direction.