"Are you ready to fall through the rabbit hole?" He asked in a slimy way. I heard my voice say "hell yeah" but the voice in my head screamed no. I wasn't ready to lose it all again but I couldn't take this pain that I felt daily. I needed to feel numb, I had to feel nothing, I wanted to forget everything.

The problem with falling through the rabbit hole is trying to get back out in one piece.

I laugh at inappropriate times.

I have a nervous twitch that only I can feel inside my head.

Anytime life gets real I retreat in my house like a turtle hiding in their shell.

I am socially retarded.

I have major self esteem issues.

I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror.

I wear the same sweatshirt one too many days in a row.

I do have good qualities but it’s hard for me to see them.

I am a really good mom.

I am patient.

I love my little family.

I am wise beyond my years.

I am a good cook.

I am extremely sensitive.

Rejection is my enemy.

I only open myself up to those closest to me.

This is me.

Holding onto my shitty past with a sharp spear to my life until I can learn to let go.

Living everyday like I'm stuck in a huge maze and I can't find my way out.

Stuck feeling panic stricken.

Constantly feeling trapped, but not knowing what to do to get out.

I try different things to get out, but never succeed.

I still have a small glimpse of hope, but even that is starting to fade.

"I can stop at any time." These words felt truthful as I was muttering them. Deep down though, I knew that this was a lie. A lie I've been covering myself up with like a blanket. It keeps me warm and safe at night. It shields me from the full honest truth, that I'm not ready to discover yet.

My mom just glared at me in disgust. "Wow, are you in that much denial that you actually believe that? You do realize that your not fooling anyone around here--besides yourself."

I try to shake off the words she's telling me, but any trace of denial has diminished from my body and I know she's right. I am in too deep to quit. I am stuck with this life that I've chosen for myself. I am fucked.

Addiction is a nasty affliction,

A moral conviction.

Constantly running my thoughts,

Stomachs always in knots.

Cravings too strong,

Never know when they'll come along.

Part of me wants to stay clean,

My Other part wants to run from the scene.

Feeling like I'm living two lives,

Hoping everyday I will survive.

Because addiction is a nasty affliction.

Failure isn't falling down, it's staying down. -James Patterson

This quote is absolutely how I feel about failure. When someone fails at something and doesn't do anything to change the situation. Everyday many people fail at small things and at gigantic things but how they deal with the aftermath is what counts.

Someone close to me had relapsed for a year after being sober for 7 years. He called me and felt so down and said he felt like such a failure. I told him that failure isn't falling down, its staying down. If he wanted to continue out using and feeling like a failure then by all means keep using, but if he wanted to change the situation and become stronger than he was before to go to rehab. He admitted himself into rehab yesterday and I am more proud of him now than I ever have been before.

Him relapsing isn't failure, in my eyes, it's growth.

During the 90's my mom and I were dancing around the house to some Boyz II Men, like it was nobody's business. We were shaking our butts and laughing. All of a sudden we noticed someone else was in the room with us. It was the plumber!! My one brother let him into the house and set us up for pure embarrassment. We laugh about it now, but back then we both stood there beat red with no words able to come out of our mouths.

Id love to tell you what to avoid in life,what you should definitely not do, or who you shouldn't be hanging around but, then you wouldn't become the person that you are today. Instead I'll give you a small glimpse of what your life will become.

You will chose a path that most would be too scared to walk on and because of this you'll walk alone. You'll run into some interesting folks along this route but try not to hang around them too long. You'll try to leave the path in which you've chosen, so you'll begin to run. Before you know it you'll stumble and fall harder than you've ever fallen. All you would have to do is get up, but you won't. You'll stay laying there full of pain for 9 gut wrenching years. Blaming everyone else for your fall, but never yourself. Even though, there were signs everywhere saying watch your step, which you chose to ignore. While lying there on the ground people will walk all over you. Not caring if they have hurt you because chances are they have been hurt too. Then something crazy will happen..you will just stand up. You then will realize you made it so hard for yourself for years and years and for no reason at all. This thought alone will make your feet slip up and you will almost fall again, but this time you'll be strong enough to catch yourself. You will then walk slowly and graciously to a new path. This path will feel weird at first because it will be much wider, blooming flowers all around you, and beautiful butterfly's will be all around you. You will experience life all over again and take everything in like you were reborn. It will be beautiful. I can promise you that much.

Sincerely yours,

The older new you.

P.s.

I'll be with you along every step of the way.

It's like eating your favorite ice cream on a warm summer night.

It's like that first sip of coffee in the morning.

It's like your first good memory as a child.

It's like a cool breeze on a hot day.

It's like laughing so hard your ribs hurt.

It's like the fresh smell of spring.

It's like pay day.

It's like singing and dancing around when no one is watching.

It's like waking up from a beautiful dream.

It's like a sun shining and bird chirping day.

It's like a good warm hug that changes everything.