Sometimes I forget that I’m part of this phenomenon you call life...

I know. I’m here...with you...

But at times, I tend to watch you as if I’m not

Like my reality is outside of yours, yet attached to it

Somewhat as a ghost...once being like you, now just observing you

Knowing what its like to be you & think the things you do

But not caring about those things for myself...just witnessing all the ways you happen to

A space in time when I chose not to exist in my own world...but remove myself from the world altogether

How does the world look when I’m not in it??

It looks like you

So I study you...maybe in ways I shouldn’t

Ways you may deem invasive

What gives me the right??

Maybe when I’m outside of the world, I’m above it

And feeling above anything answers the call to judgment

I don’t try to...I just am

I am...not here

Not for me at least

I am here for you

I am here because of you

You have become my world...

You & everything you do

Though I never get to see it all

You always remind me that I do, in fact, exist

Here, among you

This world I enter, I only encounter in moments

Until you drag me back into the responsibility of existing

I walk with you & sit in your midst

Gazing...listening...loathing...admiring...

...snapping, back to my own reality

The one where you don’t appear the same way

In my world, you are secondary

In my world, I am the center

Is that how it should feel??

That’s how you feel...when I’m in your world

I can tell...you don’t even notice me when I’m there

Maybe that’s why its so comforting

In my world, I have to exist

But somethimes I don’t want to

I don’t want my life to end...

But sometimes I don’t want it to matter to you

Or for it to be intertwined with yours

Sometimes I just don’t want to interact with you

Or want you to know that I’m here

Sometimes

...I just want to watch you...

What does that say about me??

About you??

I could make my assumptions...but they’d only come from what I’ve gathered in these two worlds

And maybe that isn’t enough

For us to know what it all means, maybe we need to be seen & analyzed by someone or something in a world outside of both

Maybe...if you give me enough time...

I can get there

1|21|18 ~ 1:17 am

My life, right now...is easy to explain, but maybe not as easy to understand

I think only the people who share this feeling I have can truly be triggered by my explanation

To my knowledge, there aren't many of us...but for those who are interested, I'd like to map it out for you

If you find yourself lost, just remember, that's life

Life...is a condition, a state, if you will

And the state I'm in has an endless road with no street lights. My vision is clear, the surrounding ambiguity makes sure of that. The edge of my world is where the light can no longer reach. The headlights of course. On this dark road, in the middle of nowhere...or at least, somewhere I may or may not know, but can't distinguish. I can't know, because I can't see. And when you can't see, it's a lot easier to get lost. So I must focus on what's in front of me. The hood of my car...which carries the engine, the heart of my drive. And the propulsion of light, extended from the power of the heart. Well, the engine. Although this sight requires a substantial amount of working parts coming together, it only serves as a miniscule portion of what is to come...here, driving down this road. But I must continue to monitor my view. Abandoning my gaze will allow me to become ignorant to the possibility of something being in my way. And I can't afford to put my advandcement at risk. There is nothing surrounding me anyway, nothing worth stopping for, nothing I can see enough of. Just the contrast of the light ahead of me. It never becomes any less than it was. My eyes are never given the time to adjust because the distance I gain is of the highest importance. And it all comes back to this feeling. There is an exit ahead...the dilemma I'm presented with is knowing only that. Or, feeling only that. Because I don't even know. If this exists, I don't know where it is. I don't know when its coming, I don't even know which side of the road it will be on. There is just an undeniable feeling, telling me that I have to keep going. But not knowing when I arrive at this exit complicates things a bit. I'm never sure when I should speed up, to make better time of reaching it. Or when I should slow down, so I won't miss it. All I know is that I have to make it. I need to get off at this exit. The next path my life will take can only be through this exit. There's nothing else. Everything is depending on this. I've brought myself to this point with only one destination. One single option. I filled up on gas & headed straight for it, not even knowing if I'll have enough to make it. That is where I am, that is where I'm going. And that is all I'm doing...going. Holding nothing back, this feeling won't let me. At this point, it isn't something I continue to chose anymore. It's just what I have to do, its what this feeling calls for. But I guess the anchoring affect this feeling has on me, is reassuring me that I will make it. This is still just that feeling commanding my thoughts, but it's convinced me. I've embodied this feeling & now I act as it's captain. I will take this feeling & I will make it a reality. I will make sure that it comes through for me in the end. I have to. I have no other option. This feeling has become my life...my life has become this feeling.

...I have a feeling my life will appreciate it later...down the road

As the individual, we have very little to do with the realities that we are born into & learn to face...& even less to do with dismantling those realities deemed unworthy when held against the true, inner progression of mankind.

The best of us, in spite of this, conjure the mind to seek a renewing of perception & spawn the tools to altar it. But there are those who spur on beyond that feat, who welcome & engage with the source of all things, borrowing & expressing that true creative power to birth new worlds among those blessed enough to be spectators.

The most favored of them all, is the witness of that which drew power & possessed the capacity to come away inspired.

I sit & I ponder

With wit I express

To which, none the fonder

Than bits of my flesh

I hold classes & teach

Gather masses & preach

Any stage or show in front of those who seek

A display of prose at its noble peak

The ooo's & ahhh's are slient burdens

Of news from Oz behind the curtains

The broods & mobs of attentive gazes

Are schools of thought's repentant changes

A realm of my own, where my faculty is king

In this helm, I postpone realities sting

Outside my mind...

Feeding on reasoning...with pride, I dine

● ● ●

Divinely primed...

Seasoning til pleasing...beside design

A temple filled, with a crowd of its choosing

Guarding its gateway of guidance

Resemble, it will, the crown of its suiting

With garments painted in vibrance

This hall of echoes, long in its days

Shouting the will of its story

Falling below, to its own praise

Or housing its builder's glory

Fluid thoughts of you, fill up my mind

Until they're on the outside, I'm still in a bind

This feeling of cold feet, I need to raise

Staying the old me, won't free my praise

Holding myself down by this tray of ice

Just skating by...

Too close to the ground, when I play these dice

...though I pray to fly

So I lift the tray & begin to serve

Hands shaking...loosing nerves

I've walked, & now I run

With the breeze, comes goosebumps

Leaving my feet, though we race as one

I see, you only chose who jumps

The air is suspending...pending my ending

Without that weight, those thoughts are now blending

Lendning a vision, to which I glare

And ascend toward, with my stare

Steps that aren't visible

Are aiding in the physical

Focus deems this admissible

Therefore, dreams become mystical

When released, they are bonded & molded

Those circling thoughts have transformed

The light I've been chasing...I can now hold it

A halo...that will keep my hands warm

No one ever told me there'd be girls like you

I was never warned of divine intellect behind devilish grins & swaying hips guarding cores of wonder that would breach my heart

Only reminders in the experience of others that share it through the films we Love

Maybe it was because I took my time & no one was worried enough

I was never the one who rushed into the grips of society

It was never alluring to my spirit

Fear & anxiety had a firmer hold on me

Small tugs as they were, I was kept from running into the arms of another

Although, I'm not sure things would be much different had I gotten loose any earlier

My shortcomings compared to my peers came to life in my stance

Although, looking up at the world came in handy when it was my time to interact with it

The words I stored within myself must have marinated in the foreshadowing of my passion

Fruitful sentiments formed, mist-like in my presence

An aroma providing therapeutic vulnerability

Meshed with a habit, born of a coy heart

Leaving room for others'

I knew what to say & I knew how to listen

That's all a girl really needs after a run of cauliflower ears

Young boys with widened eyes, sound catchers beaten in with the intentions of older boys before them

Men are born as ears are opened

But we aren't taught this foreign phenomenon

We aren't as sheltered & kept as the princesses of the world

The girls are told to halt at the sight of us, but we're never shown to hinder ourselves

Nor are we reminded that we face the same fate as our royal prey

At least I wasn't...or if I was, it was all forgotten when I met girls like you

“In the beginning...”

This phrase, when used representing

The start of our God, is quite unfitting

Although we were spawned through His light

We are not the dawn of His life

His craving to Love & Create

Is all that was needed

For us & our fate

To exist as He sees fit

Through His eyes, a still darkness awaited

Begging for His mighty will to curate it

From the sparkle of His pupils, we were created

To exert His Love & to emulate it

But the potential of this lightless mass

Paired with the power we’ve been granted

Warrant sinful or righteous paths

Seeds of ours, have been planted

With the fruit of Good & Evil

We have grown what we buried

Into a new morality for people

For, to God’s definition, we are no longer married

Although that covenant with God was broken

And an abysmal hunger swept the land

He reminds us of the words He’s spoken

His faithfulness that’s kept our hand

When darkness looms & the world is dim

Casting shadows of doubt over our lives

A skylight of hope, no matter how slim

Could pave a way for which we can strive

Because in the midst of chaos

His presence alone is order

A blessing of time, funding our payoff

Expanding our possibilities beyond borders

When its all said & done

There will only be light

Led by the Son

As we’re carried to new heights

We’ll be the brightest lights that ever met the sky

Till the end of time...

Tetelestai

I feel...plastic

Transparently, I melt for the Son

Transforming myself for His will to be done

I'm a piano, complex & intimidating

Though I allure the will to play

I'm sure many demons hate me

Due to bonds I build...away...

They go...into the notes

Scattered quotes & blessing float

I cast shadows of looming hope

My halo dangles by a rope

Not yet fastened...not yet sown

I am a blessing too fond of being alone

I must be shared

I trust I'm spared of rusting chairs

[ones I'll sit with, no movement when paired]

I know what's "best" but I'm just too...

Careful

But never care...fully

At least not for the ones who mistook me

For something I'm not...

They don't know themselves...or maybe they forgot

So when it comes to me, I don't quite fill their pot

That's when I close my lid

To play this piano, you must have a background in music...

To get my attention, you must have faith...& choose it

A plastic piano, not many can play

With a song that reaches the end of the day

Looking at an old picture of myself…it’s a bit odd knowing I’m still that same kid. I’ve grown, physically, & I’ve matured, but I am the same person.

It’s interesting…to mature, according to our dictionaries, means to become perfect, or in other words, complete. And I think the fact that we chose to use that word to describe our experience of time & change, says all it needs to about us. It seems like most people associate maturing with becoming less of a child. Distancing themselves from who they used to be. I think that alone leads to a great deal of self-destruction within our society.

Let’s say, that we are who we’re supposed to be. Nature or nurture, whatever you believe in…we can agree that all become someone. We become our own selves. If this sense of self, were to be betrayed by its oppressor, it could never end very well for either of them. We are those oppressors. We have been granted the power to asses our own selves. Naturally, we must bear the results of attempting to alter it.

If we were to bring animals into the conversation, we could see things more clearly through the comparison. Even as humans, we’ve always detected “personality” within some animals. We must at least, subconsciously, believe that only a certain level of intelligence can bring about a form of personality, because not all animals share this feature [or so we think]. If these animals aren’t intelligent enough to decide who they want to be, it must be chosen for them. On the other hand, we should have the ability to decide…because we’re so intelligent?? We’ve come to believe that our sexuality & gender can be choices as well, so why not?? But for the sake of the argument, humor me. I would say, declaring personality, a choice, represents the idea of Divine Creation…hear me out. Being able to change who I am, also implies that I can create something new, a different variation of a conscious mind. If you don’t believe in Divine Creation, you’re seeing why this can’t be…if you do, you should know that only a superior being should be capable of it. Further, if we could all control who we are…how would we be different?? What would separate us from all being the same, or at least, having the choice to be?? Only individualism stands in the way of this. As individuals, we are comprised of our own beliefs & perceptions. That is what makes us who we are. These are the borders of which we live in. Do you have the power to remove these borders?? Are you capable of deciding to genuinely enjoy doing something you despise?? Do you feel zero retaliation from yourself when you try hating something you Love?? As an emotional being, have you cracked the code to happiness by picking & choosing what you want to like or dislike about yourself & everything else around you?? Never forget, we are human. There are just some things we can’t control. You cannot force yourself to believe something. So tell me, why do you believe the things you do?? Why do you perceive the world through the eyes that have been given to you?? You can say to yourself, that your upbringing & your personal experiences shaped your individualism. And you’d be right. But have you questioned why these things happened?? Why they were done to you & only you, to mold you into someone only you could be?? Would you say that you are the product of random events?? Random. A word that strips away purpose from anything it’s cursed to rule. Its’ funny to believe that anything in this world could be considered random. Life, in itself demands purpose. Life could not exist without purpose, because purpose is the only reason for life. Our lives are no different. It’s impossible for the events in our lives to be absolutely random. I mean, do the math. Wouldn’t you say that randomness would contribute to at least 1 irregularity?? Or this case, 1 regularity. Billions of humans, over the course of thousands of years, & not 1 pair of the same individuals?? Even humans who share the same DNA escape this phenomenon. Let’s actually use math as an example. 9 Billion 0’s. Let’s put them on a scale. Numbers, like the variety of possible events in our lives, are infinite. So let’s randomly add numbers to each of those 0’s. At no point, on this scale, will any of the billions of numbers come to equal the same amount, no matter how many centuries we keep this process going. That’s humanity. Of course, we’re dealing with infinity here…but wouldn’t randomness contribute to at least 1 pair of numbers?? Just 1, c’mon. Respectfully, I can’t ignore your curiosity towards who or what would be selecting the numbers to add. Show me the same respect & attempt to offer an answer for humanity’s “selector”. In my example, it would have to be a person, a group of persons, or a formula. And forgive me for being technical, but a human would have to be responsible for creating that formula. Which means, someone would have to have their hand in it. All that said, we’ve found ourselves arriving at a paradox. That being, even randomness would have to be selected, or at least influenced. Why would it be different for humanity?? If every event that occurs in your life is “random”, wouldn’t there have to be someone or something dealing this randomness?? And if someone or something had that responsibility, shouldn’t that exclude any thoughts of these events being “random”?? We’ve built the fundamentals of science & logic on the theory of cause & affect. So how could “randomness” even exist??

Cause…affect. Purpose…life.

I may have strayed a bit, but my proving against 2 things should be aware of at this point. The power to choose who you are, & the powers that shape who you are, being random. That should paint the picture of 1 conclusion…someone or something deciding who you are, for you. What or who that something or someone is, is a debate to be had elsewhere. Right now, I’m focusing on you. Yes, you, the kid in that old picture, & the same one in the mirror. You are the same person, just like I am. We are the same because it isn’t up to us. I’m not speaking of whether we are good or bad. I am referring to our personality alone. If you refuse to separate those things, ask yourself, from that same perspective, if your pet is good or bad?? Animals are just who they are. They aren’t concerned with who they are because they don’t have the tools necessary to asses themselves or their behavior. So wouldn’t it be fair to disregard the titles of “good” & “bad”?? After all, they have no beliefs or perceptions to distinguish the 2. But we do, & we use the assessment of ourselves & others to manipulate the perception of each. And that is all they are, perceptions.

I’m not saying that we can’t change, but I am saying we can only be changed by our evolving beliefs & perceptions, which all depend on our experiences. Experiences we have no power over. I’m sure you’ve used the perception of others to asses yourself, causing you to feel the need to change. And because you don’t have the power to change who you are, you end up hurting yourself when you try. You aren’t alone, you know that. I’m pretty sure that we can say the majority of the human race suffers from the consequences of some variation of that temptation. One should be at least, skeptical, towards a belief pointing to us just coming together to create a world of suffering individuals. I refuse to believe that’s our purpose. I would say to try & be good, but even my views, just by being different from someone else’s, get in the way of us progressing in that light. So it would only be right if I came to you as simply another individual & asked you to just

…be yourself. Maybe that’s the first step we should take to try figuring out how to really mature.

God Speed