It doesn’t make sense

I just don’t understand

Is it based off of fate

Or is everything planned

Are we here for a reason

Or is it a stop along the way

How the hell did we get here

Like when and what day

Do we each have a purpose

For why we’re on earth

Do we have a certain path

That’s been chosen since birth

What happens when we die

And are no longer around

Do we really go to heaven

Or just lie in the ground

Will it all start over

Like it’s some kind of game

Will I live a different life

With a new family and name

I don’t get life’s meaning

Or if it even has one

I try not to question it

And to just have fun

But my mind runs wild

When I try to sleep

And my thoughts tend to stray

From just counting sheep

We’re here for a lifetime

Then gone forever

I don’t know what happens

And I’ll probably never

Even if I did

I’d most likely cry

Because my biggest fear

Is just the fact that I die

It might not be soon

But it will happen one day

And when my time comes

I hope I’ll be okay

Why did I do this to myself again?

Why can't I learn to quit?

Why did I think I'd ever be enough?

Why do I always need another hit?

Mom I'm so sorry and dad don't be mad

But the sweet child you wanted just isn't who you had.

I've got a problem with life and am nothing but sad

Why did I ever let it get this bad?

When did I start losing sight of myself?

When did I start thinking they were right?

That I was just another lost cause in the world

Who only found solace in drugs and crying at night.

16 brought pain and 17 brought more

The same blank space expression is the only things I wore

You begged me to stop, but I lied when I swore.

Why didn't I quit when you asked me to?

Why does it feel like no ever cares?

Five years later and it's all still the same

Living in a life where I'm barely all there.

When did things start going wrong?

When did every family function turn into fight?

Why am I i like the way that I am?

Why am I the only one with a problem you need to drink or ignite?

One hit, two hit

Three hit, Four.

At first it was enough

But now I need more.

One pill, two pills

Three pills, four.

The demons in my head

Had started a war.

One line, Two lines,

Three lines, Four.

Think I’ve finally had enough,

Can’t get up from the floor.

One knock, two knocks

Three knocks, four

Never thought by now

I’d be knocking on heavens door

Where did you go my loving child?

When did I lose your heart?

Why did you feel not loved enough?

When I have loved you from the start.

Where did you get those ideas, my love

That you weren’t good and a waste of space

Why did you think I wouldn’t want to help

Where are you now, is it a safe place?

What do I do now that you’re gone, my dear?

Don’t you know I can’t live without you,

My job as your mother should never be over,

Would’ve given my own life to keep you sober.

Did you not think this was something we could work through?

Did you not think I was someone you could come to?

You were my baby, my beautiful child

The shooting stars I’d wished upon

So care free and wild

So wonderfully brilliant and kind as can be

My life and my world

Why did you leave me?

What did you do to yourself, best friend?

Why did you test the stakes

Did you not think I would need you in my life?

Now for you my heart only aches

Why did I believe you when you said you were fine?

Lied right to my face as you did another line.

Are you happy now though wherever you are?

Why did you think your life was only to go this far.

Why didn't you tell me your thoughts, my friend?

Why didn't you let me in?

Why did you think I wouldn't care

And why did you let the drugs and dark thoughts win?

It used to be fun whenever we got high.

But now all I can ever do is cry

Because I never knew when we started at 16 it would be the reason you would die.

I’m sorry that I lack affection and am hard to understand

But I like it when you kiss me and want to hold my hand

I’m sorry I get scared and think it’s wrong at times

But growing up I was told our love would be a crime

I’m sorry I don’t write you things when you’re my wish upon a star

It’s just hard to talk about us when we're scared of what we are

I’m sorry people stare at us and friends say things that hurt

But you and I will grow from the times they buried us in dirt

I’m sorry that we didn’t work out and the world got in our way

But one day we’ll be strong enough to admit that we are gay

I’m sorry that it’s not today or anytime that soon

And I hope whoever you end up with gives you all the stars and moon

I’m sorry we were meant to be but your touch opened up my eyes

To love the things I want to love like girls instead of guys

I’m not sorry about us or anything we’ve done

We might not be together but you’ll always be the one