Momma whispered to me as the violins began to sing. She wanted a piece of gum outta her little black purse placed to my left and she on my right. She didn’t want Father to notice her grab at it in church. He decided to seat himself right next to us, us being a part of his church and the one we sat in and all.

“What brings you here?” Father asked before the musicians settled down.

Momma explained that we alternated between the two parishes. Father listened attentively to her explanation about hanging on to the very beginning of our roots and transitioning to the new.

He had this overly overt smile that curled up at the ends.

It took a lot outta me to maintain eye contact. His eyes were like bullets piercing right through my own and he always leaned forward just to get through. I smiled back at him with the same wide eyes, trying to match his intensity with my own and hold back my lids from fluttering in protest.

Momma hissed for her gum and my arm scrambled within the small opening in search of the little crushed, cardboard box while Momma and Father talked about how beautiful the newly renovated church was. When I finally got ahold of it, I tried in vain to get one stick out and before I knew it, there were little bits of wrapped minty fresh gum scattered about beneath the pews.

I heard momma sigh as I stretched forward to pick up the pieces. I wasn’t sure if Father was watching me and judging the mess of white speckles dispersed on the newly tiled floor.

“I remember when this place looked like a warehouse.” Father chuckled.

Momma agreed and complimented the ceiling and how it looked a lot like heaven.

I finished picking up the last few bits on the floor as the choir ended their praises to the Sweet Baby Jesus and snuck one to Momma. Quiet as a mouse she unwrapped the gum from white paper casing and slipped it in her mouth.

I eyed Father to see if he saw what I just did. He didn’t, eyes leaned and fixated on the choir.

Momma was in the clear.

Momma then began to question me if we oughta be polite and offer a stick to Father.

I shook my head, Father didn’t need it.

Just yesterday I lost my temper with my Momma.

She had been yelling at me the whole day and I blew it when she whined about something terribly stupid.

I remembered cussing and lying the weeks before.

Daydreamt out with my head stuck on cloud nine far from the skies of heaven.

I saw ugly, bile-green dinner plates and a cool pitcher of darkness

served up fresh from the warm devil himself.

But what I saw clear as day sittin’ there in the seventh pew dilated and starin’ up to the Lord Jesus Christ

was the red of my arms all laid out

dripping thick and oozy down the wire

I saw warm & cozy sleeves, rubbed and raw

with a heavy heart begging to stop beating

All of a sudden I needed gum too.

I wanted to cover up my bad breath.

My mouth had been dry for a while, cotton mouth, I think Momma called it.

It let the bacteria stink up my mouth until it got so bad you could smell it three seats down.

the clock struck midnight

out there, somewhere

unanimous cheers rang throughout the air

overlapped by the pops, crackles, and fizz of the captivating light show above.

families were out toasting to the new

lovers were plastered lip to lip, hip to hip

looking forward to the life laid out ahead

the past loomed behind, 

not to be found anywhere on the streets of New York

or the bars of Las Vegas,

but drowning in the very tub I prepared.

the clock struck midnight

but I was the only one who really heard

every tick and tock that progressed to the inevitable

the clock struck midnight

and it could be heard throughout the house

it was a silence that rang with the hum of a past never truly forgotten

it struck deep into my heart and implored me in vain to look ahead

but my foolish eyes lingered on dusty reminders of dimpled smiles and red wine parties

and my mind could not forget what my soul had once felt

my lover was lost

somewhere between Fifth Avenue and Baker Street

I heard her beckoning until the mid of night hushed her lovely lullabies

and left my ears to hear the heart-rendering silence of a love begging to be forgotten

as I submerged beneath the waters to mute the inaudible sorrow.

the clock struck midnight 

and I was the mouse.