I'm not this horrible person you want me to be.

There has been a change in my heart, you don't WANT to see.

God chiseled away at my heart of stone,

Yet you still refuse to see how I have grown.

That's okay, because I didn't change for you.

This change was only something He could do.

Now my life is solely for Him,

As I daily struggle never to revert back to THAT man again.

I'm not this horrible person you want me to be.

There has been a change in my heart, you don't WANT to see.

God chiseled away at my heart of stone,

Yet you still refuse to see how I have grown.

That's okay, because I didn't change for you.

This change was only something He could do.

Now my life is solely for Him,

As I daily struggle never to revert back to THAT man again.

One of my favorite parts of my relationship with Christ is when, in the most mundane and trivial of things, I find Him. I was searching on Amazon for a set of magnetic measuring spoons that I saw at my dad’s and BAM!!!!...the Big Guy hits me with some Truth!! I like these measuring spoons because they all stick together making them easy to find when you need them. In theory anyway! :) My dad keeps his in “that drawer.” You know the one. The drawer where serving utensils, measuring thingys, and other kitchen stuffs that do not really have a home get placed. The drawer where you have to root around for whatever you are looking for because it is almost always on the bottom. My dad has one, I have at least one and, if you are being honest, you have one too.

As with my kitchen, my dad’s is pretty tidy and in order on the outside. But, as you open cabinets and drawers it tends to be a different story. Many of them consist of unorganized chaos that you cannot see on the surface. This is where He reminded me of something. This is a description of us. On the surface we try to keep our lives clean and tidy for others to see. Once you open things up you will see that we are very similar to “that” kitchen drawer...a chaotic mess. We cannot look at others thinking they have it all together and that our lives are a complete mess. Behind all the shiny outside appearances we are all just rooting through “that drawer” looking for our magnetic measuring spoon. And it is okay to allow others to see our inner mess! It is more important that others see how He helps us to handle the mess we are.

Hardened hearts

That tell only lies.

Cutting words

That make others cry.

Anger and rage

I punch and kick.

Why does everyone say,

“You make me sick?”

I have come to the conclusion that I may be a bit too nice. Too nice to the point of being taken advantage of or being used. There are days when I want to revert back to who I was a few years ago, which was not a nice guy at all. There are days when I know others, who don't know me personally, have a wrong idea of who I am. There are days when "following Jesus" just doesn't feel worth it and doesn't seem fair.

But THEN God reminds me that I am not here for me but to represent Him. He reminds me of who I was a few years ago and how much He has changed me. He reminds me that His opinion of me is the only one that matters. He reminds me that, no, it's not fair and He never promised that it would be. Most importantly He reminds me that no matter how difficult or unfair life becomes, following Him will be worth it in the end!

So, yeah, I've been struggling with some stuff the last couple of days. In the middle of writing this my dad called and said he felt he needed to call just to say, "I love you." Wow! Talk about a God moment!!

I was a Combat Medic in Iraq and witnessed more trauma on an almost daily/nightly basis than any one person should have to endure in their lifetime. Because of this, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Many people do not understand what goes on inside the mind of someone with PTSD. This is my description of what it is like, inside my mind anyway, and hopefully it will give you a better understanding of what we go through. Some have it much worse than I do while others have it much better. No two people react the same way to the same event(s) and also remember that combat veterans are not the only ones who suffer from PTSD.

I picture my mind as a large open auditorium or gymnasium. Inside this open “room” are many, many areas that represent different aspects of my life. Inside each of these areas are bouncy balls that represent all of the events, both good and bad, that have happened to me throughout my life. These balls are all lightly bouncing in unison in their respective areas. These balls are also of varying sizes based on the event they represent.

There is only one entrance into this open area and at that door sits my brain. Every event that happens must enter through that door and be processed by the brain. Once it has been processed, it is sent to its respective area where it falls into unison bouncing with the other balls in that area. Depending on the event, the “processing” could be immediate or it could take some time to complete.

All of a sudden a traumatic event happens. Rather than coming through the door and stopping at the brain to be processed, this traumatic event busts through the door and starts bouncing with wreckless abandon all throughout the auditorium area. It may hit other balls in the different areas and cause them to start bouncing wildly and move out of their areas. The brain has shut down processing at the moment in order to handle the traumatic situation. For me as a medic, it was often working to recall life saving medical information.

The event has been taken care of and now the brain has the task of trying to get things in my mind under control and to properly process the big bouncing ball representing the most current traumatic event. Problem is, this ball has been bouncing around wildly for so long and has caused other balls to start bouncing around uncontrollably, that the brain is now overwhelmed and cannot process things properly. Then, because combat does not follow a set schedule, another traumatic event occurs causing even more chaos inside my mind.

I return home but I still have all of the events bouncing around uncontrollably in my mind and my brain is so overwhelmed that it cannot keep up to get things back in order. Life does not stop when you return from combat so the brain still is overwhelmed. This is why therapy is so important. For me, the therapy I am doing I view as it giving my brain a couple of bats. The therapy helps my brain to take these bats and swing at the wildly bouncing balls and knock them into their proper areas. It helps my brain to somewhat properly process these events from the past.

There is no “cure” for PTSD. There is only the ability to help contain it. Every now and then one of those big balls will get a mind of its own and start bouncing all over the place in my mind. But constant therapy helps my brain to take the bat and knock it back into place.