Keeping Up with the Kardashians played in the background as I chowed down on my acai bowl. While scrolling through Instagram, I paused as my favorite blogger modeled a new pair of jeans that were perfect for Spring. I was living my best life.

In a heartbeat, it all changed.

I could feel a seed stick to the back of my throat. I started to cough. Suddenly, I was gasping for air. I tossed the acai bowl on the couch, spilling fruit juice everywhere. Water, I thought. I need water. I ran to the sink and drank from the faucet like some ignorant child in a public school.

Nevertheless, the seed persisted. My breathing became erratic and I knew I needed to take more drastic measures. Khloe Kardashian ate a salad while I heaved my body towards the TV stand. The dresser hit just above my stomach. I needed to get more leverage.

I jumped up and came crashing down, lodging my gut into the edge of the dresser. I felt my insides jolt. Everything slowed. Khloe was suspended in time. My soy wax candle fell off the TV stand in slow motion. Then, in a moment of triumph, the seed splattered across the television, along with a vibrant berry-colored vomit.

Khloe continued eating her salad, now covered in my vomit. And I realized that this entire show was just about girls eating salads. I cleaned up the acai bowl from the couch. Wiped down the TV. Put my soy candle back on the dresser. And took a selfie. I looked surprisingly cute for someone who had just almost died.

Everything was different from that moment on. I couldn’t get through an episode of KUWTK without vomitting. And I stopped eating acai bowls for fear of rogue seeds. Sometimes life will surprise you. You don’t always get what you want, but if you almost die, you get what you need.