I wonder if you already know

That I am totally beyond the end of my rope 

Every step of the way 

You have been there to guide me

Always protecting me from harm 

I want to run and sit beside you 

Like I did as a child 

And tell you my deepest secrets

Secrets that I have held on to for years 

Explaining the tears and sadness caused

By the ultimate betrayal

By more than one person 

In more than one way

But I fear I'm too old 

And have come to far

To take off the mask I wear and start anew 

I don't want to have to go through this again

This is not the time for me to start over

It was so much easier when we were one

The thought of a new beginning

Falling in love with another

Is too much for me to handle

You refuse to love me as you once did

But keep hanging around as if you might

My heart is constantly being ripped apart

Silently begging you to come back

Only because I desperately

Don't want to be alone

Familiarity is so much easier

Than moving on with someone else

I'm scared and worried

Completely out of mind

Reckless

The realization of how pathetic and lonely

I allowed myself to be

All for the sake of you

You can't be serious

Is this a game to you

I can't believe you are back in my living room

Smiling and pretending to care

Claiming to still have strong feelings for me

But needing to figure things out

Did you just try to kiss me goodbye?

I awkwardly back away

Decline your advance with tears in my eyes

As I close the door

I watch you walk up my steps

And disappear into the night

This is all too confusing

I'm no longer a child

I'm a woman almost approaching middle age

A widow who lost her husband

After suffering years of his abuse

I should be stronger, wiser, and full of life

Carefree and seeking adventure

Instead I'm wallowing in sadness and doubt

Insecurities and anxieties distorting

Any type of happiness

I should rightfully have

I swore I would never allow myself

To be hurt or abused again

But somehow you've returned

In a different body

In a different place

Promising everything would be ok

Then abandoning me

When I needed you the most

Is it shock?

Or was it the abrupt end?

I would still take you back

Even as a friend

Every time I feel peace

Memories creep into my head

Anxiety and frustration

When will it end

Please come back

Please go away

I'm better off without you

Why couldn't you stay

You left me abandoned

Without any rational explanation

I'm dwelling in my self doubt

And your constant manipulation

I want to cry

I want to move on

I want you back

I'm glad you're gone

I saw a younger version of you

Speeding down the road

In a red mustang

Were you really so different then

Completely carefree and full of life

I never got a chance to find out 

But I wanted too

I never told anyone 

Always afraid of breaking away 

From the crowd I knew so well

I often think what would have been

If I said hello those many years back

Instead of waiting for the right moment

Would anything have been different 

Or would it have ended the same

Abrupt and final

Both of us to blame

I drove by the Goodwill today

On my way down an old familiar street

The one we went to once

The day it rained

We thought we were going to be washed away

Flash floods, lightening strikes, thunder booms

We stopped to eat and the sun finally came out

I exclaimed as soon as I saw its dull brown frame

Explaining to my passenger

I had been there once before

After a pause I heard them respond

"I never really liked that store"

"You know what...me neither"

Last night I wore the pajamas

I would wear when I was with you

The silly muppet tshirt that made you smile

And the black and white checkered pants

I thought imagining you there

With your arms wrapped around me

Would make me feel better

The pain is insurmountable

You thought you were right

You didn't understand my frustration

All types of promises broken

And all of your lies exposed

I finally saw you as you truly are

But it's not easy

Erasing our past from my memory

Or the love I felt for you

So I'll continue on like I always do

Eventually filing away our time together

Into a cabinet drawer of distant memories

Despite the pain and hurt you caused

I once again fell asleep dreaming I was curled up in your arms

If we could just go back to the way things were

I woke up with a start and exclaimed "no this can never happen again"

Anxiety and fear raced over me as I cried uncontrollably

The realization of who you are had been defined

Controlling, manipulating, and remorseless 

An absolute monster

We will never be again

I knew I was dreaming

And I was desperately trying to find you

To express my true feelings

Without hearing your bitter truths

Instead I found myself

Walking around in circles

Only finding clues of your existence

In that tiny space