Before I cared about the internet, receiving letters by mail (as in…mailbox..postal) was so exciting. Then a few too many businesses learned my name and ruined everything. It’s bad enough to recieve bills all all week. Junk mail should be illegal.

Department stores– I don’t care about your 15% off casual coordinates sale. Auto Dealerships — I’m not “visiting” on Saturday to see if a magic key or whatever is compatible with the car of my dreams. (I already found it, thank you.) And really, cars aren’t one of those items people run out and buy. Credit Cards — Is there anything more annoying? Week after week, you overwhelm my mailbox with thinly veiled lies. Think of how much PLASTIC is wasted spamming everyone with personal pre-made credit cards which were not asked for or even agreed upon. Creepy.

As annoying as this all may be,

mail can also be one of life’s simple pleasures.

Once in a while I’ll have a good day, one that reminds me of why I used to run home after school to check the mailbox. An unexpected surprise!!!!!! : an envelope with my name on it, written by hand. The whole world stops for a moment. Handwritten letters. Postcards. Surprise packages.

It means so much.

Mediocre news (“Things here are pretty good. I watched some tv last night. The leaves are starting to fall earlier than usual this year.”) reads like a peice off the Bestseller List. Sentences which would otherwise sound incoherent transform into meaningful information.

Because in this “real-time” world of text messages, emails, comments, and quickie phone calls, writing someone by hand is the message in itself. Handwritten letters are genuine; no sense in blowing air up someone’s ass through snail mail. Compliments are not offered hastily for the purpose of reciprocation.

Everything, especially the nice things, in this envelope are sincere admissions. Someone was thinking of you, so much that they sat down and bled it ink, sealed it up and sent it away.

Wake up around 8, look out at the mountains. Make myself beautiful , maybe lounge around and drink coffee. Leave my room and head downstairs, walk over to a few neighboring casinos. Breakfast: Eggs Benedict. Play a few slots, check my bank account and see I have plenty of mad money. Noon-vodka and cranberry time. Drink, play more slots. Go out to the pool, consume a tropical beverage, lay in the sun. Go back inside, play more slots. Meet a cool guy and talk to him for several hours, if I’m not getting serial killer vibes maybe take it to the next level. Afternoon oyster shooters, I win $1,000 in the slot machine, how awesome. A burger from House of Blues for a late dinner, more slots and alcohol. Watch the sun set behind the gorgeous mountains, and take in the city of lights.

Hosting a social gathering can be a rewarding experience, one which leaves guests feeling happy they followed through with the RSVP process.

One year, I attended 7 showers, and hosted 2 of these. They were great success.

Here’s a few suggestions to avoid the common party pitfalls which can trip up even the most well-intentioned host.

1. Music for everyone. Play music that will appeal to everyone, and actually think about that.

2. AMBIANCE: The MOST important element of all is to make everyone feel comfortable. An uncomfortable guest is an unsocial guest. So make sure there’s LOTS of space, relaxing lighting, comfortable seating (especially if it’s a bridal shower or baby shower where people are gonna be sitting through gift opening, etc) , etc. SET THE MOOD. If you can do this right, that’s 80% of your party right there.

3. “BYOB”: This 4 letter word is a big no-no. Getting to the bottom of an invitation to what looks like an awesome party, and then seeing “BYOB” , is the sexual equivalent of losing an erection. When I see BYOB, I wonder, Why bother? Why don’t I go pick up a six pack and sit in my own living room for a few hours? Hosting a party comes with certain obligations, and providing ample alcoholic refreshments is one of them. Don’t give me that “well I don’t know what everyone drinks” crap. If that’s all that’s holding you back from picking up a few 24 packs of miller light, simply include a line in the invitation like “Proudly serving Miller Light, Arbor Mist, and Jose Cuervo.” This is much nicer to read than those bastardly 4 letters, and ensures a higher turnout. Trust me.

4. Invitations: E-vites are the big thing right now, but sending invites via regular mail is more memorable.

Once upon a time, a woman got engaged. Her friends, ever so happy for her, decided to throw a ‘gathering’ in her honor. They wrote up many to-do lists, set up a circle of fold up chairs, served fruit and crackers, stocked the fridge with diet soda, bought a cake and started the tradition of what was to become one of the most stiff, unbearable social gatherings ever: The bridal shower.

Who amongst us truly enjoys any party with the word “shower” involved?

Well that’s because if there’s one thing women do wrong, it’s the ‘shower.’ We have settled for something that could be much, much more.

1.) No “fun” in “structure”: Going through the motions of the stereotypical “shower” involves keeping on top of time allotments for gift opening, games, and eating. I say, to hell with that and the mother of the bride too. Because the mothers are the ones that hold on to these sorts of excruciating traditions. So as the ‘host’ of these functions, do it your way, in a way the bride will love, and the guests will leave happy too.

2.) The opening of the gifts is probably the most mind-numbing of shower activities. Throw your weight around by keeping chatter in between gifts down to a minimum. Guests do not need or probably want to know why Susan bought beige linens instead of periwinkle, and these sort of conversational detours can quickly turn a boring 30 minutes into an excruciating hour and a half.

3.) Gift bags: Yes Yes YES. Candles, soaps, and stationary are just a few of the items one could include in a simple gesture to thank guests for coming out.

Showers are cool because it is one of the few times for just ‘the girls.’ No need to make it into something resembling a stuffy tea party or AA meeting.

Think outside the box.

Your turn– Social gatherings: what’s your pet peeve?

Dreams are so weird. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had the strangest dreams; hazy, confused visions which leave me feeling odd upon waking up.

When I was 5, I dreamt of being approached by a boy my own age who asked me to smell chili peppers. He held out his hand; I sniffed, and inhaled what felt like fire. My nose burned horribly. This dream happened over and over again.

Dream #2: Falling down a flight of stairs; always backwards. I developed a phobia of stairs. It got so bad my mother had to put black tar stuff on the bottom of my shoes so they had extra traction.

And it’s been the same ever since. Falling, being chased, shot at, and confused situations in general.

I dreamt of being in my ex-boyfriends room, and a group of people sat in chairs, forming a circle. My grandmother was the only person I could remember being in the room. The dream was interrupted by mother, who woke me up to tell me my grandmother was admitted to the hospital in the middle of the night.

Every serious relationship I’ve been in, I’ve had a bizarre dream within the first month of dating, with my boyfriend laying down next to me, saying the whole thing wasn't gonna work out. Horrible.

Last night, I kicked it with Paris Hilton. She was a bitch though.

Dream #3: I discover a room full of fish bowls and aquarium tanks. The fish have been neglected, and it's heavily implied in this dream, that taking care of the fish was my responsibility. Fish are living off other dead fish. So gross. I'm running around, sprinkling fish food flakes and adding water since so much has evaporated. Trying to save all the remaining fish that I apparently abandoned.

This dream happened over and over again, and it doesn't take Dr. Phil to figure out I have commitment issues.

So,,, tell me what YOU dream about....

I think of you every day.

At 80 years old, you lived more than I did at age 25.

Please forgive me for not being there when you passed away.

Your legacy lives and breathes

every day

What would you think of me?

Would you laugh

or shake your head

can’t bear the thought of disappointing you

If you’re looking down

When you’re looking down

I won’t take it for granted

like you’ve seen me do before

Please see the good parts

selfish lost in my head

Your love beats hope into my heart

Is it bits of you you see?

We didn’t talk enough

But you are so big inside of me

I hope you smile

You make me smile

Every day

Religion is often practiced while segregated into groups; churches, youth groups, bible study, Sunday school.

It is in these settings I find religion to be the most mis-understood and it’s true meaning is lost in attendance records, donation lists, group activities and outings. This is also where things get screwy. There’s always those involved in religious groups for all the wrong reasons. They want power, control, or money.

I have met lost souls who grasp at religion in a last-ditch effort to vindicate their behavior. How many prisoners turn to the church? Drug addicts? Some are genuine; some never confronted themselves and still don’t ‘get it.’ Instead, they’ll recite verses from the bible, VERBATIM.

I’ve witness true evil parading around behind a religious façade. He’d rob you blind, but before walking out the door he’d extend a sincere “god bless you.” NO, God Bless YOU, cause when you finally check out of planet earth, you got some splainin’ to doooooo…

The great thing about believing in a higher power, is it’s an individual choice. No one else has to believe what you do, it’s all what gets you through the day.

I believe God is misunderstood:

God doesn’t knock on your door at 7am on a Saturday carrying propaganda.

God doesn’t scare you into joining the church of this or that.

God doesn’t drive you to Sunday school.

God doesn’t ask you for money.

Dig?

Religious groups are …like a pill. They can help you, amaze you, blur your vision, put you to sleep, addict you. If you’re spending all your money on this pill, what are you really buying anyway?

The reasons behind why you’re swallowing it—is the true question.

over the bridge, i met with an old acquaintance, discussed big ideas and she smiled and told me things were looking up. I left her office, crossed the street, and stood alone in front of a breakfast cafe. Such a simple little town, spring whispered in the morning chill, I felt you from my spot on the bare sidewalk. You are so close in my mind, but never with me. it was going to rain soon. on the way back, i crossed the bridge again, like a bird staring down. i remember watching this very bridge with you from the land below. See it all over again.

all over again, you are still everything and nothing.

Wait. Wait, I tell myself. Don’t lose your head. It comes and goes. Waiting for the tide to turn, lost at sea for just a moment, for even just one moment, is terrifying enough. Rain drops spattered on my windshield. I turned the volume louder, “Let my baby keep on sayin’ she’s the lonesome gal in town….” Where the hell are you???

Back on route 4, the rain pitter-pattered harder. I passed a sign, it read: God Bless Ya’ll Real Good.

Pride, love, pain

you kill me a little bit

every time you say hello

i’m so tired of this wicked kill

slowly, so slowly

I know better.

life with you is life without you

I know the quiet times well, the moments so pristine

I know your breath, the pauses in between

I know what’s underneath

I love your core, I love you

naked in my bed

I loved

every raw moment

I loved it all

Life’s so short and everyone asks

just what exactly am I doing these days

you’ve worn me,

worn me out

Dear Liver (aka-largest internal organ),

Massage school forced ‘health’ down my throat, and I resisted pretty well. But this past week, I’ve been studying the digestive system, and I learned all about little, amazing, you.

You do so much, you crazy son of a bitch! (over 500 functions!)

And most importantly: you “detoxify numerous toxic substances such as alcohol, nicotine, and other poisons into non-toxic materials.”

I thought about it. I’ve kept you REALLY busy. You could have been inside of someone who never smokes, or drinks, or takes medications. Someone who didn’t try every new amazing diet pill that hit the market. (Oh man! Remember the Metabolife/Hydroxycut days?) Basically, everything unnatural I’ve done, tried, or used, you’ve had to take the fall for. There you are, producing bile…storing vitamins, dutifully storing and breaking down glucose & hemoglobin..and WHOA WHOA WHOA we’ve got another Long Island Iced Tea coming ***!!!!, ah shit we’re back up again gotta produce some amino acids…throw in some blood plasma proteins *** HOLD UP got some nicotine to to detoxify… CHUG CHUG CHUG, oh lovely an energy pill!!!! Yeah that’s what I needed today, some ephedrine!!!

So I’d like to formally apologize: You deserve better. I’m gonna start changing some things. You’ve done a great job all this time, wouldnt it be nice to have an easier life?

Love ya babe.

I want to live in Cabo San Lucas

a mansion with an amazing view and

walls made of elegant sliding glass doors

that bring the ocean to you

oh just a room with a view would be fine,

a condo/apt, gated

but i want to feel something,

and this plan will achieve just that.

a 500 gallon wall aquarium packed with GloFish

and mostly just the wind

drifting through the room

and the sound of waves

of the Pacific

pounding and surfers

every now and then.

or the Sea of Cortez,

calm and clear

and the sun

beating down

all day

and the ground still warm

late at night

under a dark sky and

the brightest stars

we could sit and watch

over tequila

in the city

half of the restaurants

dont have a roof

or even nicer,

in a jacuzzi

sipping bubbles

blowing bubbles

floating thru the air

and we wont have to care

about much

i promise

we wont plug in,

wont see the ugly parts

hear the news stories

and real life stories

we follow to tragic ends

we cant stop the war

or the evening news

but it's quite possible

to not follow the live stream

we may know too much

all the time

more than is good

and become blind

to our own reality's

beauty

theres other things to focus on

or think about

or over-analyze

and living in washington dc,

am lambasted with a fair

amount of politics

i love DC

but make no mistake,

theres no laid back vibe

flowing

"Life is too short

to spend it at war with yourself"

every so often

a flight to vegas

is in our best interest

no clocks

slot machines

ding ding dingin

will drown out

more than you think

and ultimately,

perhaps,

the real American Dream

is the escape

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