It is the war that rages within

The bloodless civil battle that can't be abolished with the stroke of a pen

Hopeless needles that never hit their mark while the beauty drains from all that I once knew

I am the shadow of yesterday where once words were the measure of this man now they are the stumbling blocks that cause me to trip and fall

Trapping me in my own head left unspoken what needs to be said

One on one the hours pile high into the midnight

The night settles all around me and your heart beating is like is like a sonar ping in a silent ocean

It is there that my dreams lead me time and again and it is visions of you in my everyday world that leave me stranded and unable to love another

Twenty years gone and I'm still trapped in the heartbreak that has never healed

I am the emptiness that has consumed the years in waiting

I am lost

I am alone

I am goodbye

We are all born of a deeply wounded spirit

In adversity with gravity we learn to run

In our mothers arms we learn to trust and from that foundation our path is chosen

We are the balance unto the one true God

And life and spirit are the ebb and flow of love and light in a world that is slowly growing dark

He who believes in nothing creates his own world of wrong ideas and theory

Something never comes from nothing and I remember all the moments that led me there to your nothing

I raged inside for the key that would fit the lock and searched for you in the few clues you left behind like bread crumbs melting into the density of your words

Then after a deep search I made the

connection that I couldn't love the you that I knew but could only love the you that had been cursed and mistreated and would never be able to love me in return

It was then I realized that loving nothing was easier than loving the something that was never really there

For something can never come from nothing

For never falling weak of will into your arms

For never knowing your deepest place or your sweetest hour

For never letting the perfect words escape my lips

For never seeing you in the light of wisdom or in the glow of youth

For never seizing the moment to say goodbye

For all these nevers do I now understand regret

And for these things will I eternally chase the wind that whispers your name

Mystery

I know not who You are or the place from which You come

I see you not for you are the darkness in which you thrive

Oh mystery

You are the fear in the eyes of a lost child and the angst in the heart of a mother letting go

You have not the will nor the fortitude of spirit to deny me

Sweet mystery

You no longer stand in my shadow or whisper in my ear

In fact mystery with every passing day you fade a little more and life becomes quickly predictable

Now mystery

I remember you fondly and I thank you for all that you have inspired

The words on paper are sacred

Almost an altar where we burn sacrifices of emotion and bleed endlessly the life of our everyday

With the universe on high raging in its imperfection our words are in moments the movement of light through the darkness within and contain our obsessive search for our lost connection with humanity

Standing shoulder to shoulder with the armies of absolute I can see myself as a transgressor

One who has learned how to render my free will but always in the end takes it back with great aggression

I am one who has no allies in the world except for the occasional stranger who has fallen from grace

A grace only given to those who refuse to submit

Those who have realized there is no strength in numbers but only in ideas

Those who cannot afford themselves the luxury of apathy and complacency even as all they know is changing around them

So these words on paper are sacred while the spoken ones are ever changing

Meaning more or meaning less depending on the writers heart and the readers state of mind

The future

Always in flux

Always unsure

Always there

Reach out and touch it

Gray is gray with no word from you

No morning talk to clear the cobwebs from a restless night

No tired disconnected thoughts before your first cup of coffee and that first cracked smile as my reward for over exuberant chatter

I love your dislike of early rising along with the graceful way you make the transition to a new day

A prayer before bed and not a dream in weeks

It has been said that not dreaming inflicts damage to your whole body and I'm starting to see that in my own life

No painting

No writing to speak of

And now conflict with the one person I respect ✊

Not to mention my feet are killing me!!!!!

Not now you said

And with that I understood that every single day I'd spent waiting was a day spent in vain

Was a moment never to be reclaimed

I listened to your voice on the phone consuming every word that you said until I realized that you were not hearing me and maybe never did

My mind began to drift away from you

Not now you said

So I said goodbye

Awake

It's 4am and the dark is alive with memory

Shadows of you dance in my head

No words

No distance to great

I feel so alone

Life is bitter and sweet to taste

Awake

It's an unending daydream that's finding its end

Visions of smiles with no one to turn to

Silence is forever

As I'm waiting for the dawn to offer up its blue

Awake

It's a different air I've learned to breathe

In many ways I've found my voice

Unable to sing

I'm unable to sing

And though it's never been a choice in the end I guess it has to be

Nothing is free