Hey, I’m sorry I’ve been so distant lately. I know you need me I just don’t know if I can help you when I can’t really seem to figure it out myself. I’m fucking stuck. And you keep putting all of your problems on me and god i wish I could do something to make it better but you’ve got rot in your bones and I’ve got dirt in mine. We’re both fucked. Avalyn isn’t here anymore either. She went away. They all went away. I saw this thing die in the road the other day and it broke my heart. I feel too much. I know you do too and that’s where we are the same, but we handle things with two different perspectives. You ask for help, you hint toward wanting it. I just let it eat at me until I’m bitter. I’m sorry Lindsay. There’s nothing I can do to help you. We both know you’ll be okay eventually. Give it time. That’s what you always told me.

Stay okay. At least try. -Ellie

I’m sorry I’ve been falling short

All of the weeds inside of me have replaced the flowers

This world isn’t right for people who have hearts made of glass

I’ve never touched a gun

I think that might be for the best

I’m sorry

I’m trying as hard as I can to cooperate

With how I feel I should be

I promise I’ll be better tomorrow

And if I’m not, I’ll pretend

I don’t want to be a burden anymore

Wake me up when the stars come crashing down

I want to watch the world eld

But I want it to be beautiful

If the new day comes and I still can’t see through the thorns

Put me back to sleep

I’ll try to be better

Tomorrow

The other day I was walking home from school and it was the most perfect day I had ever seen. The world was so irrevocably peaceful, it caught me off guard. It made me feel okay for a split second. Actually, it made me feel so good that I stopped walking and breathed for a minute. I should have kept walking though. I moved my eyes from the sky to the road as the cars passed heavily in spurts of one or four or six. Then it happened. This frog was there, moving slowly toward me but avoiding the traffic by a landslide. It was a familiar path for him. He didn’t dodge the vehicles, just avoided them instinctively like he had a million times before. Until the last second. That blue four door didn’t even exist until it ran over my subject and left him there still, his body mangled and destroyed. Ripped open by a hot piece of black rubber. He was right at my feet. Exploded into a wet torn pile resembling feces from an ill animal. The air smelled fresh and I was staring at crushed lungs that breathed only a moment before. I walked away. Leaving the mess in the street, for more cars to run over and over. Separating the pieces along the bumpy road, until the skin would be indiscernible from the cement below. I turned my head and walked away. Biting my teeth until my clenched jaw became sore. I wanted to bleed, but instead relaxed my muscles, and wondered where the line existed between elation and the inevitable death.

If I looked just how I feel

All of my words would be concealed

This face would be torn with jagged marks

Through my jeans you’d see thick red scars

My throat would be choked as if snakes were within

My body would be limp and my arms would be thin

These legs wouldn’t hold up what was left of my being

And my eyes would be too swollen for seeing

My ankles would be too fractured to walk

And my lips would be too bitten to talk

Both of my wrists would be stitched up to the brim

And nothing would fit because my waist is too thin

No one would love me if I spoke the truth

About how my skin would be all black and blue

No one would love me if I tried to slow down

Or if my smile cracked on my way back down

No one would love me if I made it clear

That I didn’t think I’d even make it to this year

Stay stay stay

But not too close

If I reach out it’s my own fault

Distance just likes to dance with me

It’s always been so quick on its feet

And graceful with the way it moves me slow

Like a spoon twirling sugar

reminding me about

Those Winter afternoons

And coffee

With no cream

And she is so pretty

In all of her twisted ways

Shining light on the black pavement

But draining it from her own eyes

And she is so loud in her silence

That it seems too far away

For her to slip from our fingers

And some people are so wonderful

That all they do is bring wonderful things

And some people are so special

That all they do is make the world feel whole

She has ten thousand loves scattered around like ashes after a wildfire

When the trees burn, she watches

When they become dismantled

She aches

She is the leaves in the blazing wood

But never deserved the scorch

She brings oxygen to everyone in her wake

But the forest fire lingers on

Moving slowly, throughout the seasons

All of my demons love me

They remind me every day

If I’m tired, they hold my hand

If I’m lonely, they stay

All of my fears mold me

Cradle me every night

I live inside their tiny home

Toxicity feels so right

All of my demons kiss me

They give me what I desire

I tell them how to move me

They burn holes in my skin like fire

When I’m sad they let me cry

They listen and they know

And when I’m ready to leave this place

I’m sure they’ll help me go

Welcome back

My silent half

It’s been some time

Since our words have touched one another

I see you so quietly

Trying to understand

And I am trying to understand too

All of the things

That space was supposed to give us

Like answers to questions

With missing queries

And our lungs the capacity

To hold our own air

If I stay

For just a while

Do you swear

That time will hold still

Because I have been tempted

By ten million sins

And I have tasted the blood that fell off of my own arm

Once or twice in solitude

And once or twice beside her

If I stay

For another year

How many times will I wonder

What nothingness looks like

Or what it feels like

To inflict nothingness

On the heart I own

Before

The heart I am

This sits inside of me

Every time I touch your skin

I feel the weight of everything I’ve ever known

Sit heavy on my soul

And your mouth

Is the place I want to live

Tucked between your bottom lip

Just where your voice falls

You are where my heart resides

I will love you

Until the moment

My breath leaves me

Until the day

Our maps no longer read the truth

Until the second

The hand on the clock

Reaches for the final stretch