I owe for what...?
For being instilled with the belief
that I am and was nothing?
Not even a "pretty face" as of late?
Wanting me to believe and live as
though I was nothing and that was
all I could hope to be? Not even
pretty?
Nothing was all I was ever going to be.
I believed you. Four plus years of college,
degree obtained and I have proven them right.
I am nothing. Nothing but a dream of dreams.
Dreams of finding me, dreams of tomorrow, when
I am...
But I am nothing and nothings do not dream.
My art is nothing because if you do not dream you
cannot know of art...I guess my looks were all I had
and now the are nothing.
One person, the one person who should, who should hold
and strengthen you, you forced away because you believed
you were nothing. Undeserving you believed...so you did not
believe. You did not trust that you had value...you believed
you were nothing, nothing of value.
That one person has joined the ranks of the bullies.
The bullies you have known all your life and that they
are still here...from your earliest memories...the bullies
that have never left you and will not leave you. You have been
made bait.
The memory of the making you do not deserve.
Look at where you are now and know that where you are
is where you LET them put you. You do not want to be here but
here is where they made you come. Made you come because you are
weak. Weak because that is how you felt.
You are weak because that is what you saw, how you were made to
feel. You saw and lived weakness.
You breathed in the exhaled breath of the weak all around you.
The fragrant aroma hypnotizing you.
The nonsensical verbiage flowing from their tongues
grew into the auditory memories already so deep inside you.
They took root among the negativity already so deeply rooted
in your young mind. Denied you fresh air, poisoned your tongue
beyond use and sickened your soul and kept you down.
You are held down by roots, roots from poisoned seeds.
The seeds are no longer fertile and the roots are dying.
Dying because you stopped feeding them. You stopped feeding
you, you the soil. You are the poison in the soil. You are what the
roots clung too. Clung to for life; clung to in every negative aspect
that has become you.
You alone have kept yourself wanting. You have denied yourself a
shadow, a glimpse of what you can do, what you can become.
Who you can be has been denied by no one else but you.
You who has clung to the negative ideas around you of inability,
of uselessness...of something with no shadow. No shadow because like
everyone else you knew, you pushed away.
What are you going to do now, "thing" without a shadow?
Learn how to pull, to gather, to collect up all the seeds of mistrust
and negativity and burn them? Burn them to make your soil fertile?
Burn them to erase the past transgressions of "those who did you wrong"?
A wrong you brought upon yourself?
Try, try to look ahead. Look ahead to the next. Look ahead to who knows
what. Just look. Look with your eyes wide open and know.
Know and believe that a new fragrance is filling the air.
A fragrance of newly awakened seeds that are being planted in new earth.
No more bowed shoulders.