each night I get closer to the holder

that clings onto the warm belly of a holster

slowly petting a trigger as I water grass

hoping it will turn a bit greener

hiding behind me super quiet just to linger

don’t understand how I attract the reapers

I guess i’m well known to be a bleeder

hit hard by disguised teasers

that always end up being leavers

ready to store my body in a freezer

but play it off like they’re a keeper

can’t keep up I need a breather

too much lies in people’s nature

yet i’m still a giver....not a taker

surrounded by fakers....mostly haters

but I don’t want them to change me

don’t want to lose my patience

but they keep me pacing keep me chasing

for them it’s like vacation

the game is what they never stop playing

until it’s anger....they say i’m danger

just cause I let all of the hurt out later

let them get away with almost murder

but they somehow paint you as the traitor

talking but the actions never match words

they just want to be seen and heard

but what they stand for is absurd

incapable of speaking one positive word

the downfall of others is what’s preferred

they look for scraps just like the birds

can’t deal with it any longer

tore my way through too many thorns

but the tearing is what made me stronger

I wish a room was turned upside down

so I could pour every color on my body

to roll around and paint myself on a ceiling

every laugh and cry would make sense

once turned over for my back to rest

on a floor that will kiss and hug me tightly

as my eyes grip the art above me

producing tears that rain down my neck

cause I can’t change paint that has dried

can’t grab what is dark and throw it away

can’t cover ugly with my hand in the air

expecting it to erase itself and release me

from a prison that locks me up in regret

would have to wait until I can’t cry anymore

and turn it around again to lie down nude

to risk myself and mix the colors of paint

this time I will make love to the ceiling

my breasts pressed against its heart

we will breathe at the same time

we will paint the best parts of me..

I am tired of acting as the pillow

that you so desperately need

over the damage that a stranger caused

making you suddenly rest upon me

clinging onto my exterior but never interior

feeling a heart that beats with personality

but still curious about what’s really inside

because you don’t know me.......

if I were gone tomorrow, would you cry?

what would be missed about me?

there would be no flashbacks to replay

I could be anyone, anytime, anywhere

a pillow dented in the shape of your head

you only benefit off of my self esteem

because you notice that it exceeds yours

I cannot make you want yourself

I cannot make you need yourself

I cannot make you love yourself

I want you to see the tears that fill my cup

how I drink it in its entirety afterwards

because of how dry you leave my throat

how dry you leave my heart

because every time I open up

I can’t even get a word to meet your ear

you shove your hand into my chest

feeling around for my darkness

so that yours won’t look so dark

hoping to find a gun pointed at you

to prove that I am out for revenge

but I don’t want to devour you

my words are not born from hate

they search for the love that I missed

wanting to know why it was never shown

I just want the rips to be sewn

How can you really know someone?

they say the eyes tell.....

but half the time, I see nothing but blank

in the way another can look at you...

with dry eyes, never a tear shed for you

but they keep you close

having no clue what the next move will be

you play along, wanting there to be good

but the eyes never tell....

some don’t listen, but actions speak

some don’t see it, but absence speaks

when they stay only when it is convenient

when you won’t hear from them for weeks

I wake up to the smell of coffee

my senses, always bleached

I force myself to stay awake

to hear the footsteps of the fake.....

If there is beauty, there is the opposite

we have all stood where it’s dark

choosing whether or not to burn a candle

that gladly sheds light......

on the exact thing that tries to ruin us

I lit my candle, to look at my storm closely

I have always known that a river will tell

your reflection will spill on everything

it guides you to where you will overcome

sometimes, the river will carry it away

never thought it would pull me from myself but when it did, I fought...

for both my flesh, and spirit

I started chasing.....

but I couldn’t do it forever

so I drank the water

I devoured myself

I am now the river

a river of me....

Love should never be a burden

or splattered with dark shades of paint

only to be seen as a perverted advantage

why we can’t express our thoughts

that are flooded with nothing but touch

freezing us into an awkward moment

my mind dances in the opposite direction

I continue to question......

what is wrong with the soft strokes upon

a body after being hardened by the world

the kind of touch that carries worries

with intentions to make them no more

I can see my lover with the lights off

because it is I in him....and him in I

two entangled vines

growing together

as our souls become one

real love is never misunderstood

I speak from experience

I wish I could find you .... to thank you

for running back to me when you did

I knew you wouldn’t leave me

in the dark for long

I knew that someone had to care

and it must have been you

I wanted to be right

I felt that I had to be

until I reached out for your hand

only for the cheeks of my fingers to hit a glass window

I was just a tempting item that you spotted in a vending machine

an option that you could turn down for another

you made me feel like burying myself

thinking you would never miss me

yet....you were still the one that I missed

I wish that I could mention your name

but it seems I have forgotten it

back then I assumed that I could never

but I want to give credit

when asked how I still smile

how I can now love and be loved

after you drained red from my every vein

I really wish I could thank you

for crumbling me in your palm like paper

so that I could be picked up

so that I could be kissed and healed

so that I could learn what real love is

after comparing it to what you did to me

but no hard feelings

you did what had to be done

I look up into the sky

It’s the only real I see

Thoughts of what could be is killing me

The definition of beauty became a lie

They keep us busy....Keep us dizzy

Following a path that can cause us to die

Not yet physically...but mentally

Let any word be spoken... and we agree

We don’t even care what was said

Brainwashed....wanting to be free

But some will never let you be

Manipulating you constantly

Blindfold over eyes....so you won’t see

Hell is not a place you enter comfortably

I can feel the strong deceit

My skin gets closer to the heat

Will be waiting for you in this seat

I guess here is where we meet......

I climb within the mirror I stare at

I accept every detail that couldn’t be hand picked

This mirror only speaks truth

As my eyes align with the mirror’s, it all clicks

I have to get to know this person

I am my own stranger

You never see yourself as a danger

But today I stare deeper than usual into this mirror

Confusion collects its coins

Illusion itches to escape its cage

I let it.....

I can’t force myself to look away

I have to stay.....

This mirror is the closest I get to sanity

The closest I get to the answers I ask of

The only thing stopping me from feeling like I am here.....just because