She wants me to write

to make sense of the feelings

but the words are choked deep within my throat

cutting off my air, limiting my life.

Instead, I drown in the emotions

churning inside me

the screaming noise of silence

just because the words won’t come.

(9-17-17)

Give yourself permission…

Give yourself permission to feel every wave of emotion,

even if they knock you off your feet, crashing you to your knees.

You need to feel, you need to embrace them all.

Allow them to flow over you, through you.

Those emotions, both good and bad, will ebb if you accept them.

That way, they won’t get stuck inside of you, especially those negative ones,

the ones that eat you up from the inside out,

the ones that wake you up, shaking and screaming at night.

They only have that power because you tried to avoid them,

trapping them deep inside you.

Feel them, give into their power, appreciate your ability to feel them.

I promise, they will ebb, allowing room to feel even more,

opening you to the positive, the light, the love.

Give yourself permission to not be perfect,

to be enough as you are, right this very moment.

Embrace your imperfections and flaws, for they make you unique.

Allow yourself to accept your curves, dimples, scars,

loving your body as it is today, at this weight, in this shape.

Accept and praise your body’s ability, what it is capable of doing,

instead of beating yourself up about what it cannot do.

You are not your limitations, your disability.

Instead, celebrate your body’s ability to move

in whatever manner it is meant,

for it wakes every morning, taking in breath,

granting yet another opportunity.

What will you do with the vast possibilities?

How will you choose to Live?

Give yourself permission to embrace your uniqueness, being you,

the you that is deep inside your soul,

the you that is screaming to come out, the you that needs to Live.

Let go of punishing yourself with this unreasonable expectation

of how you think you’re expected to be,

both in appearance and personality.

Allow yourself to breathe, to no longer feel constrained

by what others expect you to look like, to behave like.

Embrace the gifts in your life that bring forth joy,

sharing those gifts and skills with others.

Allow yourself to let go of whatever brings you pain,

including people in your life; say goodbye, walk away,

stand on your own. Recognize your strength, appreciate it.

Cherish yourself, just as you are.

You are already enough. You are already perfect.

Give yourself permission.

Go ahead. You can do it.

(Written to the voice, screaming in my own head.)

(5-13-16)

At a job interview today, he asked me,

"What is your greatest accomplishment?"

Of course, I knew he meant

my greatest professional accomplishment,

yet for a moment,

just a split second,

I wanted to say…

"Despite feeling like I’m drowning,

today I remembered to breathe."

(7-9-15)

Come as you are, just exactly as you are.

You are perfect in your brokenness,

with your distrust of others,

with your psychological disorders.

You are perfect with your peculiarities,

your closeted fetishes,

your secret proclivities.

You are perfect the size you are,

with extra here and there, or

with your bones slightly protruding.

You are perfect with your pain, or

with your zest for life, or

with the fears that hold you back.

You are perfect, just the way you are.

So, please, come as you are.

There is someone here who will accept you,

even love and cherish you, just as you are.

There is no reason to change;

just be you, exactly the way you are.

You are perfect at being you,

and you are appreciated for being

the unique individual that is you.

Reach out and show us who you are,

so we can accept you, appreciate you.

There is someone here for you.

But, please, come as you are…

(Dedicated to a beautiful lady who found life too hard, someone I wish I had known well enough to call a friend. May you find solace and peace.)

(9-10-15)

He said he was afraid to love her,

yet she didn’t understand why.

After all, she only really wanted

someone to love her,

to hold her tight enough

to put all the pieces together again.

Instead, the harder he held on,

the more her sharp edges cut him,

causing him pain, making him bleed.

No wonder he said he was afraid to love her.

With all her broken pieces,

she destroyed him in the process.

(3-5-16)

I don’t owe you my pretty,

with flawless skin,

absent of wrinkles and dark spots,

and every hair placed just so,

without a grey to be seen.

Nor do I owe you

a perfectly toned body,

honed into submission

by hours of sweat and toil at the gym,

or breathless by the constriction of Spanx,

absent of rolls and dimples,

just so you can evaluate

how I appear in my clothes

or even, perhaps, without.

Nor do I owe you

a radiant smile gracing my face,

put there at the instant of your request,

simply to brighten your day

and make you feel better,

just so you don’t feel uncomfortable

and perhaps even wonder

what caused the furrow in my brow

or the tight pursing of my lips.

And I certainly don’t owe you

being small,

keeping my voice quiet

and never speaking my mind,

reserving my opinions and thoughts

for only my own mind to hear.

No, I don’t owe you my pretty,

complying with your definition

of beauty and femininity.

The only thing I owe this world

is Me,

my genuine self,

the perfect embodiment of a gracious soul,

living an imperfect life,

but living nonetheless.

(3-4-17)

Tread softly

when you leave from my life,

so silently, I almost don’t hear you slip away.

And please, close the door behind you.

Shut it firmly, lock it behind you,

so it cannot be opened again.

From time to time,

your absence will be noticed,

when my heart whispers your name,

when my arms reach for you during the night.

Yet we both know, even while here with me,

your spirit was always elsewhere,

dancing on the wind, not to be constrained.

So as you leave, I ask you to tread softly,

leave the pieces of me behind.

I will pick them up, eventually,

and create a new mosaic.

(7-28-15)

I try to float, at least

keep my head above water,

tossed about

as carelessly as a dingy in a hurricane,

flipping and capsizing

in swelling, cresting waves.

But I tire so very easily nowadays

often sinking below the churning waters

dragged down into the bleak abyss

weighted down

lower and deeper.

And when my lungs burn

and I can choke no more,

I struggle to break the surface

just to get a gulp of air,

perchance to breathe in life

with my eyes wide shut.

Only then, a fleeting thought,

perhaps I’ve been thrown

into troubled waters

not to drown,

to struggle or be tested,

but to be cleansed.

And so I will myself,

be still…

just be…

until you can once again

breathe.

(10-21-16)

Will you dance with me in my darkness?

If I invite you in,

will you want to touch

the obscure recesses

of my soul?

Will you seek my light,

concealed

in the secluded corridors

behind the hardened facade?

Will your spirit

follow the rhythm of my pulse,

trailing along with my blood

to reach my heart?

Do you yearn to discover my secrets?

Come inside...

Come dance with me in my darkness.

(7-1-15)

I need you to bleed for me.

Give me your words,

the ones you keep locked up tight,

deep in your soul, echoing in your head.

I need proof of your feelings,

your written affirmations,

where I can read and read again

your honest words, your raw emotions,

whenever the doubt creeps into my mind

and the darkness blocks

the light you bring into my life.

Please, let the words spill from your heart,

and show me your naked truth.

I promise, I’ll be there to catch them,

to cherish every single syllable,

almost as much as I do

every breath you breathe.

But, please, I’m begging, bleed for me.

Give me your words.

(3-6-16)