Privilege can be hard to see,

It’s a blind spot that not only you didn’t check,

you didn’t even think to check,

Because you didn’t have to,

It’s a security blanket, it’s an excuse,

Seeing privilege means having empathy, it means being open and willing to listen and learn,

Just because you don’t see or recognize a problem, does not mean there isn’t one.

Be kind to yourself

Make choices for yourself, not others

Get help- you know you need it

Breathe, everytime you feel the pressure of the world on your shoulders

Keep working on confidence (still not sure if that’s coming but one can only hope)

It’s not as terrible as you think to fail, it’s worse to not try at all

Alcohol only temporarily takes away your problems

Stop blacking out and throwing food at people (they don’t think it’s as funny as you do)

Spend more time with your nana

Keep being yourself

No one is perfect and they are not supposed to be

Keep trying and keep working on yourself, you’ll get better

An old school, hopeless romantic. That’s always been me. I spent years on online dating sites without anything working out. I hated it though. I hated that online seemed like the only way to meet someone these days. But one day I was fortunate enough to meet the love of my life. I was about to delete the app until I saw someone I recognized. We matched and I realized it was actually my brothers old friend from grade school. Turns out he only lives right down the street. With him I realized what a real romantic relationship is. I always shied away from guys and had my walls up very high. My boyfriend put in a lot of work to get through to me. He didn’t give up like every other guy had. That’s when I knew that this was different. He cares about me like no one ever has. What we have is pretty easy. I don’t have to be someone else or hide my feelings. We tell each other everything. He’s sees me cry all the time and comforts me when I need it. We give and take together. I would do anything for him and I know he feels the same. I had my doubts about soul mates and the one until I met him.

I remember being confused when he had to go to the hospital a lot. It happened once and then it happened again and again until one day he didn’t come back. The first time was scary, he was very sick and my mom was frantic. She was yelling and crying. Someone was on the phone. Then there were sirens and a fire truck and an ambulance. It all happened so fast, I didn’t understand what was going on. The following day my whole family went to visit him and we found out he was doing better. Then the cycle started again. He was sick, my mom was frantic, and the ambulance would take him away. Then we’d visit him and he would be fine. But one night he was taken away and the next day we weren’t visiting him at the hospital.

I didn’t say goodbye because I thought he’d come back like every other time.

It’s like someone is strangling you from behind. But it’s slow, extremely slow and painful. You try so hard to fight it. Every day is a battle. How long can you ward it off? How long can you stand up to it?

The worst part is when you think it’s gone, you think you’re so strong and that you’ve been through too much to let it get to you.

It always comes back with a vengeance. It knows your weaknesses, it knows how to knock you down.

You think you’re strong and then a moment later your world comes crashing down. Each time you try to get up, it gets harder.

It’s dragging me down a hole. I resist and resist. I climb. I run. I keep telling myself I am okay, I am strong, I am enough.

It’s me. I am the victim and the perpetrator. I am strong and I am weak. I am my own worst enemy.