You probably hate me, don’t you?

And think I’m not as smart as I used to be

I can see it in your eyes even if

You thought I don’t see as well as I used to see

Its hidden deep but there's a spark

Behind the fake laugh and menacing teeth

A passing glimmer of the hatred

You can't hide that you feel for me

You think I'm ugly, don't you?

You think I'm not as nice as I used to look?

You try and hide your feelings

But I can read your obvious lies like a book

I must admit,  I am older

And have grown colder and might’ve just shook

Trying to look my very best

But who are you to become such a crook

To try and take away the one thing

That I thought would be years

Before it would finally start to be took,  ugh.

You think I'm stupid,  don't you?

You probably think I never once saw or had thought

You thought that I was an idiot

That could easily be wrote off or easily got

Despite my mumbling

And stumblings, my mind is something often saught

After by many wishing that what comes natural to this native

Could be taught

You think I'm stupid

But that's only cause that’s the context clues I brought and you caught

I probably hate you,  don't I?

Or I probably wouldn't do the things that I do

I wouldn't think I'm too smart to do

Whatever I want and whatever you want me to

I’d probably stop and wonder

What it is that I actually ever saw in you

To ever convince myself that

There's a reason I should ever think you were true

I'm not a people person but out of those I actually hate

You're one of the few.

I think you're ugly.

Ugly as sin cast forth out in the open of a God-fearing light

Ugly as your intentions

When you first wormed your way into my sight

You're about as ugly as the day

The angels turned their back on their Godly plight

As ugly as that day and as ugly

As the ensuing fight

You think I'm ugly?

Hell, I know you’re ugly

And I know you know that I'm right

I think you're stupid.

Too smart without a drop of common sense

Quick to cast aside advice

As just some judgement trying to cause some offense

You’re stupid for thinking you could

Live your entire life just riding the fence

And not pick, choose,  and decide

On who's side your truth lies and who's defense

You'll be fighting for.

Are you Hell bound?

Or Heaven sent?

Titled: A Recollection of a Reflection

"To be willing to march into Hell for a Heavenly cause..."

- Don Quixote [from the Broadway Musical, 'Man of la Mancha']

Despite my grunts and grumbling

And constant stutter and mumbling

I wish I wasn't stumbling

Through life like I am now

Through my excuses and cursing

My lies I've been rehearsing

And my wants and hopes dispersing

I often wonder how

I became this way

I lost my dreams

I became so hopelessly lost

I fade away

Or so it seems

Ready to pay any cost

to be this me...

to stay this me...

If I look past the present

And overlook my unpleasant

Way I've lived as a peasant

And chose to lose myself

Past all my depression

And mistakes made in succession

Past all my imperfections

I see myself up off this shelf

I see a new life

With a new spark

And renewed purpose in my eyes

With loving wife

Out of the dark

And daughter proudly by my side

a brand new me...

the brand new me...

Yes, I see a happy ending

Despite the rough beginning

And often times contending

The way I thought I'd go

I see a man that loves outstanding

With compassion and understanding

Devoid of wrath and demanding

A man so different from the man ago

I would live for those

Who held my hand

During the unforgiving storm

Through the weathered road

Who saw the man

That would ultimately reform

into the me I should be...

that's who I see...

And even if the man that I'm seeing

Is often times hard believing

A man I'll be achieving

What some call a snowball's chance in Hell

I'll melt away; trying with everything I have

And even if I melt trying

And roll through Hell dying

Without the world replying

To the odds I try defying

Or this snowball I am ends up frying

I'll melt away; trying with everything I have

to try to be that me...

for my family...

- Copyright © by Angel Suarez / The Number 42

Eyes fluttering open, I inhale the smell of death in the air.

Looking around I see the aftermath of the night before.

It's dark, so I can barely make out the small soft shapes of the unmoving bodies.

Yet I know they are there.

The lightning flashes through the window as if to remind me they are.

I catch my first conscience glimpse of my work of art.

The blood begins to coagulate forming a three-dimensional work of clotted art.

The adjacent wall being the chosen canvass of the masterpiece.

Fragments of shattered skull pepper the floor like confetti from a surprise party.

Surprise party, indeed.

I turn on the light and attempt to take it all in.

The morning storm rages on outside.

I glance at myself in the mirror noticing I am covered in my art.

My face is stiff with the dried paint of my model.

I walk out of the room and hear a barely audible whisper of agony in the other room.

Unfinished work.

I start to make my way towards the cry, when I realize I have all day to finish.

Besides I somewhat enjoy the faint cries of mercy.

It goes well with the weather.

...

I walk into the room

When the model sees me she uses every ounce of her dying strength to curse me,

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!"

...

I swear to God...some people have no taste when it comes to art.

- Copyright © by The Number 42 /Angel Suarez

" Now this is the point you fancy me mad..." - Edgar Allan Poe

________________________

When I wake up drenched in a cold sweat in the middle of the night

From my reoccurring nightmare; my mind then begins it's tricks with the light

Within the shadows I see your silhouette cast from the doorway

Yet when I look again it's something else that simply goes away

...

What was that? There in the corner...was that just another bluff?

I saw another shadow by my side, twas there not long; just enough

To make me believe this foolishness my heart would tell me tales

And convince myself that you are here until my paranoia prevails

I try and sleep yet hear you creep as I lay beneath my sheets

I can almost hear your heartbeat as if you are indeed next to me

I throw the covers off in a heap and wonder how this could be

In the doorway I think I see your single eye looking back at me

"I LOVED YOU!", I scream. "YOU NEVER WRONGED ME! WHY DO THIS?"

With that I hear nothing but an empty house and the wind's incessant hiss

And then, very gently, very softly does the sound begin

Like a watch wrapped in cotton; at least the rest of the madness seemed to end

And as I lie back down and pull the covers over my head

Finally willing myself back to sleep I just drift back into dread

It's the same nightmare I have every single night since that day

I made the mistake of thinking If I killed you; you would go away

- Copyright © by Angel Suarez / The Number 42

As my name suggests,  I am actually a numerical digit in real life,

Weirdly though, I have a (both beautiful AND human) daughter and wife.

Despite the fact I write like I'm a knife-weilding psycho and about  horrific strife

But just because they're human doesn't mean they're actually alive

In fact, I figured I'd grab a flashlight and go dig up some more family tonight!

You have to understand something

Words are my everything

So please think before you say

Something you may not really mean

Because I take words straight to the heart

Words have given me scars you can not see

Sticks and stones have broken my bones

But only words have ever hurt me

Broken promises, shallow charm,

And wicked lies have left me shattered

Words that have hurt me in the past

From the people in my life that mattered

Mattered enough for me to trust

In every word they chose to say

It only takes a single word

To make love stay or go astray

You have to understand something

Words are all I've ever had in life

So please speak unto me loving roses

Rather than spit at me lying knives

Because I take words for what they're worth

Say nothing that could make me withdraw

As they say; if you've nothing nice to say

Don't say a fucking thing at all.

- Copyright © by The Number 42 / Angel Suarez

I've lost the remote control to your love

I checked under the couch

and in between the recliner

But it wasn't there.

Now,

I can't press forward to move on from my mistakes

Nor can you rewind to remember our past and the great memories we once shared

We can't change the channel when we can't compromise

I can no longer comfortably turn you on at my leisure.

I went and bought one of those universal love remotes

But I can't figure out the code to your heart

I know I wrote it down somewhere.

...

What's worse is your love is stuck on mute

And there is no volume button anywhere to be found

So you no longer talk to me

And I no longer hear you

All because

I've lost the remote control to our love.

(© copyright by Angel Suarez, from "Smoke And Mirrors", the collected works of The Number 42 (forthcoming)

I hold her gently ever so softly as she lays right by my side

Admiring her beauty I watch her dreaming while sleeping through the night.

With whispered passion I lick her beautiful lips with a playful smack

Then commence to sensually caressing her at the small of her back

Her small soft breasts press against my chest as we kiss ravenous with fuss

I caress her shoulders, her arms, her back, her bottom, and thighs with lust.

I nuzzle the softness of her neck and inhale the sweet scent of her skin

After hours of such passionate foreplay; it was then did we begin

...

Inhaling deeply on a cigarette I lay drained of all my force

With a satisfaction that runs much deeper than just from intercourse

With her flawless naked body, again, I watch her sleeping while she dreams

She is so beautiful. So sexy. So utterly perfect it seems...

I hold her gently as I carry her as I have done so often

I bite her bottom lip once more before I place her back into her coffin.

- Copyright © by The Number 42 /Angel Suarez

I look and smile,

seeing a smile I haven't seen in a while

It's been awhile since I've seen you and looked you in your eyes

Often we'd speak,

with tongue in cheek, yet tonight is different because I seek

A different motive than I've sought in such a long time

I see your eyes,

as often as I look upon your face yet still this is different than before...

I feel your want,

your fickle taunts; oh how I want to just go back to the days before...

You say nothing,

yet still say more

than you ever have before...

before...

I looked at you and smiled

seeing a smile I'd been looking for a while

( It's been awhile since I've seen you smile the way you used to )

We never speak

I feel incomplete; it's been years yet still I seek

The peak of our time together from such a long time ago

I see your need

as often as I see the decree if I fail to meet your greed as I often have before...

I crave your want

Or even a taunt; oh how I want to just have you love me like you did before...

I'll say nothing,

yet hopefully more

than I ever have before.)

I look and smile.

- Copyright © 2016 by Angel Suarez