I closed the front door behind me and lazily hung up my satchel on the coatrack. I savored a deep sigh, feeling a heavy tug on my heart as I continued forth to the couch. My eyes could barely remain open, I felt a headache begin to congregate behind my left eye and my hair was all out of place. My patience had worn as thin as a single thread and the events of the day had not made it any better. Everything felt so… opposite of effortless. To finish a single paper seemed to take just about everything from me, to talk with a coworker for 5 minutes felt like 5 years.

Despite my tired demeanour I kept feeling this anxiety, this overarching nervous energy created from nothing but irritability. While I could hardly stand to stay awake, I knew all too well that sleeping would be just as difficult a challenge.

As I approached the couch I just… stared at it. I stood motionless in front of it, knowing I had nothing left to give. My brain couldn’t even make the simple decision of whether to sit down or not.

Through my dissociation, I suddenly heard a quiet but audible sound from my right. I took my gaze to the bedroom door where my boyfriend stood. I was suddenly aware of my blank stare as he took a few steps closer to me.

”Hey, are you okay? You seem a little… preoccupied.” He asked. I was wracked with indecisiveness: I didn’t want to worry him or burden him with my problems like I had with others in the past. I also knew my distain was far from invisible and lying to him felt useless. In my panic, I used what little bit of strength I had left to give a slight smile.

”Oh, it was just a tough day that’s all, I’ll be okay!”

I watched as he continued walking forward, stopping a mere foot away from me as he stared into my eyes. I stared back, looking between his eyes as my throat began to feel twisted and closed. His face was neutral as he studied my every move. I knew he could see the glint in my eyes and the salt left behind in streams on my cheeks. I was ready for him to yell at me, tell me to suck it up, let me know I was too emotional. But instead, as I closed my eyes and tears fell once again down my face, all I felt was him. His arms caressed me with a gentle firmness that swallowed my every inhibition. His hands slowly stroked my back as his head rested on my shoulder. I tried to hold back, but I let myself become vulnerable in the face of his kindness, his pure understanding. I embraced him, holding him tightly as I let every ounce of exhaustion leave my body.

I was warm.

I was safe.

I was loved.

Some days sitting in my room

I conjure up my future doom

And smile just a little smirk

Dreaming of ending my work

My constant, dreadful, fearful work

Of living in this world, I lurk

Through sinful spinsters, dramatic dames

Manic men and ghastly games

Jumping rivers filled with lies

Distrusting men with violent eyes

Holding onto bits of care

From those few men who say they dare

To love and cherish me through dawn

But I awake and find they’re gone

With no more love or peace to lend

I know I’ll see it come and end

I fight to struggle everyday

But at what cost, why did I pay?

Of all the men who misbehaved

And saw me as a road well paved

I bet you thought that I was weak

But all you got was just a peek

With all the trauma that you caused

Leaving wounds unwound with gauze

I wonder what you thought inside

I just hope you left satisfied

I lay in my bed; eyes closed and engulfed in darkness under my pile of warm sheets I contemplate my fading dreams.

They were strange.

I try to picture in my head the time. Was it 6:00? 3:00? Maybe my alarm hadn’t gone off after all.

I was ultimately okay with being late to school. I definitely didn’t want to be there anyway.

I rotated 180 degrees until I was facing toward my body pillow on my right side and hugged it, hoping I had enough time to enjoy just laying here in my bed.

Just laying.

As peaceful as it became, I knew no matter what, I couldn’t look at my clock and my good time had to end at some point. It couldn’t last forever.

Even if I knew I had to fully wake up at some point, I also knew I should enjoy it while it lasted, so I started to ‘daydream’. I thought about my friends at school as the scene in my head became clear to me. The rows of uneven desks placed in pairs and the unintelligible murmur of the students finding their cliches so they could fill each other in on their days.

So mundane. So boring.

This usual daydream was only made exciting when I added my friends, thinking about random conversations I had had with them days, even weeks prior. I smiled, keeping my eyes closed as I remembered what little details I had in my memory about them.

They were all so happy.

I had made them happy with my jokes and I was liked by so many. That’s always a dream isn’t it? To know you are liked, to know you have friends, to know that there are people who care about you. But there’s always a dark side. In a situation where I’d have to choose whether to be authentic or become monotonous and someone else in order to be liked by others I hope I wouldn’t pick the latter, but there’s a part of me that would.

I thought about this deeply, the vision in my head suddenly changing to the dreary, tired place it was in real life.

I was no longer happy.

Still physically at peace, I waited for my alarm to sound. Now, my thoughts were abrasive and self deprecating about my choices and my core values. I had started to sink into depressive thoughts about who I had become and who I wanted to be but thought I never could. Thoughts of my friends betraying me, the thoughts of me not ever having true friends to begin with started surfacing.

My worries. My fears.

I finally noticed what was happening and knew if I had a chance to get to bed again I would have to think positively. I thought of my favorite song and changed the surroundings of my dream once again. Now, I was in my house, hearing the music all around me like a surround sound system that followed me. Remembering one of my fondest dreams, I looked outside to discover a beautiful sunny day with no one around. I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

I walked outside with the music caressing my every move with it’s subtle notes and admired the scenery. It was all beautiful and amazing, everything I had wanted it to be in my real life. But I didn’t think about that, I just enjoyed every living and non living thing around me, eyeing the usually hidden wonders of places I had walked around for years. I took deep breathes and walked slowly, aware of every step I took. Happiness took a hold once more as I ventured down the road in my mind.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

6:15am had finally arrived.