It's the rush

It's the chaos

It's the curse

It's the blind spots

It's the hurt

It's the release

It's the chemicals

It's the missing piece

It's the descend

It's the way it hasn't changed

It's the fine line crossed

It's the blood inside the veins

It's the emptiness

It's the voided nights

It's the hunger within

It's the neon lights

It's the odds vs. the outcome

It's the way that it feels

It's the thick cut confusion

It's the cheap countless thrills

It's the wrong place at the right time

It's the defeat in letting go

It's the emptiness inside your hands

It's the fork separating the road

It's the part that never makes sense

It's the look inside their eyes

It's the heaven that comes within the hell

It's the truth that separates the lies

It's the distance between then and now

It's the nights you can't quite recall

It's the consequence to your surrender

It's the freedom to let go and fall

It's the way it feels to come apart

It's the way it feels to come undone

It's the price to your own abandon

It's the past you’ll never quite outrun

Damn these expectations. These demands that I struggle and fight to meet. The corners that I push myself into. The confines I bend and break myself to fit within.

If the world didn’t measure beauty as being skin deep. If I stopped caring what the world thought. Then I would know without a fragment of doubt. That I am beautiful. That I am enough. That I am worthy.

Deep down inside the trenches. Beyond the steady stream of my constant thought. I know I am good. I know that I am real. I know that I am rare.

Perhaps someday. When the light has left. When the edges have dulled. When the years have pulled their weight. Perhaps then it’ll be enough. To be as chaotic and unpredictable as the ocean. To be as weighted and deep as the night sky. To be as mysterious and tragic as the wilderness. And perhaps then, I’ll let go. I’ll stop chasing the illusion of perfection. I’ll stop demanding more than I was ever made to give. I’ll stop sabotaging myself with the stabbing pain of self insult. With the morbidity of constant comparison. Perhaps it will finally come to an end.

And I will be…

I will be free…

I will be me.

And through it all I found love. Cast over across a deadly sea. I didn’t get swept under. I didn’t drown. I found an undying urge within myself. To fight and carry on. I lived through the oblivion. I survived a state of hopelessness. I am unwilling to aknowledge what is left. I am unwilling to see the light inside. For the pain still lives on. It disguises itself as an anxious current within. The way the scars have faded ever so slight. The way the years have changed the color of my eyes. If only there was a road leading back. I’d tread lightly just to hold on tighter to the things I’d lost. Somehow of all that is gone, I am still here. And through it all I found hope. Through it all I found myself. Ive seen enough now to walk away. To lay the chaos inside of me to rest. To set myself free of all that I have done. Of all that I regret. To make peace with the past. To resign myself to the future. To accept the choices that led me here.

Somewhere out there - there are a million alternate universes.

One where my innocence lived on, and I had never gotten hurt.

Where I never became that drunk girl lying face down in the dirt.

One where I drew those lines, and never dared to cross.

Where I never chose that dark path that would surely get me lost.

One where I was still safe, and I never betrayed myself.

Where I never put that needle in or had to ask for help.

One where I still met him, our lives still sweetly overlapped.

Where he never took his own life, forcing me to adapt.

One where I didn't have to struggle, where I was able to be free.

Where I never had to fall so far from who I was meant to be.

One where he had never slipped, causing me to fold.

Where he didn't do it one last time, turning blue and cold.

One where he is here with us, laughing and watching her grow.

Where I am not sitting here, trying to cling to the unknown.

From afar

Too far away

I hate to think

Of the distance between

Parts of me

Have lost their way

From the cost

Of losing you

There’s so much left

But there’s so much gone

I fear every feeling

I fear living this way

Looking for you everywhere

Chasing after your memory

Dissipating within my regrets

Disappearing within my pain

I don’t know how to live this way

I am certain of nothing, but somehow everything I know has changed. It has shifted. Life has a way of doing that sometimes. Of sneaking up on you and showing you that you can never know what’s to come. It’s really quite beautiful. The way the world is magnetic. The way it finds a way to reach inside you, pulling and tugging at your deepest desires. Somehow I’ve landed here, where I feel safe and whole. It is foreign land for me, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t completely terrify me. But the fear is good. The fear is right somehow. My life has shown me that. It has shown me how to trust the uncertainty. It has shown me how to praise the mystery. I feel good. I feel complete. I feel like my feet are on solid ground. Tomorrow might be different.. but I’m okay with that.

To truly know intimacy

To truly know affection

To know need

To know desire

To know concern

To know regard

Fearful yet fearless

Brave yet foolish

I know this is delicate

But I have never felt so certain

Of this fact

This fact…

That I am yours