Even though I’m scared to let my dreams free

I still have to face reality

Become a functioning member of society

And prove that I’m everything I can be

Look Ma, are you proud of me?

I’m going to be what I’ve always wanted to be

Not an astronaut, or a firefighter, or a superhero wannabe

No, I’m gonna be a fucking Mathematician

’Cause where else would this mind take me

Maybe I don’t wanna follow my dreams

And fall into another deep sleep

Of missing what I have

and knowing there’s more to be had

Why can‘t my dreams ever last

Well, this one hasn’t passed

But I know from my past

There’s always more to be had

A career with it’s own path

Separated from a dream I‘ve been clinging to like my last

It‘s not time to move on yet

And I’m not ready to move on yet

But when the time comes

I hope I’m not scared to leave this dream

And step into the real world

I fear of becoming too attached

to a dream that I know must end

because every single one does

no matter how much I will it to stay

I fear of forgetting a dream

that I wish with all my heart will never end

but every single one does

I like to think maybe this one will stay

I fear of falling into a void of this false dreams

I can’t live in a dream forever

but I can’t imagine this dream leaving

because a bit of me would be leaving too

I fear of knowing that this dream will end

knowing I have to live with the knowledge

that I will eventually have to wake up

I don’t wanna wake up…

I hope you’re dream catchers can help you

Cause they won’t help me

The way the media portrays true love

Is completely unrealistic

Because it’s so much harder

Than simply saving someone’s life

And voila

Love

There’s trial and error

Not only within a relationship

But also in finding

The right relationship

There’s so many hardships

So many lost hopes and failed dreams

Futures between people coming to an abrupt end

All because the feeling of love was not mutual

Yet there’s always hope

You will find that partner

Everyone does eventually

And that’s a fact

I know this, because I happen to be lucky

I’ve seen friends lives fall apart

I’ve seen families broken to pieces

I’ve seen the ruination and reconstruction of so many different types of relationships to a point where I ever wonder if it will stop

But it always does

They always find their way

And I can help lead them that way

Because I have stumbled across it myself

Somehow, I have found love

Amongst the rubble of colleagues defeats

And I can say with confidence

That it is simply because

I am the luckiest man alive

To find someone like her

Where others struggle

I picked the right one for me

And she picked me right back

A perfectly mutual relationship

So, my friend,

I will try to guide you

To happiness

To freedom

From this endless cycle

Of pain and suffering

Of failed attempts

At what you think is love

Because you deserve

To find a true love

Just like everyone else in this godforsaken world

You just need to remember

That being lonely is different from being alone

Because you will never be alone

There are people that love and care for you

People that won’t ever leave your side

No matter how bad things get

People like me

So don’t let the loneliness

Distract you for what really matters

You’re friends and family that you

Yes, you

Built up over your life, those who you can confidently call your own

And don’t try to force fake fantasies with strangers

As a cure for the desolation of life

Because it will just leave you

With only a fraction of the you you had before

You don’t need to be perfect

Because everyone that loves you already

Already sees you as perfect

You don’t need to worry

About being alone in this hellhole that is earth

Because even when there’s no one there

I’ll always be here

Waiting for your call

You’re worth it

And we’ll all be there

Through all your days

Of being the unluckiest man alive

All the way until you can take my place

As the luckiest man alive

You will find the path

It’s just a matter of time

But remember

You’re not alone

Let me start out by saying

That you have been one of the most eye opening years

That I have ever lived.

Through so much pain

You've shown me how to be strong

Through so little guidance

You've shown me how to stand tall

Yet you put me through that pain

Numerous friendships completely lost

Memories of people that should be forgotten

Lost interests and half-hearted hobbies

But I learned a lot about myself

About those around me

About our society

About life

And I will say, I needed this

All my life I struggled

Never knowing who I am

Who I am supposed to be

Well now I have an identity

I have my own societal views

I have the ability to pick and choose

I have a friend group that I love

And I can finally say that I'm enough

So through this pain

And all this change

You've definitely rewarded me

With nothing to hate

Good friends

Supportive family

Some sort of motivation

And a loving girlfriend

2021, I really hated you for a bit

You treated me rough

Sure, not as rough as most others will say

But it wasn't a good ride at first

Now, in hindsight,

Thank You

I am a somebody

I'm proud to be this somebody

December 31, 2021, 11:59 PM

When I think of mountains

I think of how they've changed

How their beauty became more present

The older I grew

But then they exploded with color

The misty days, the foggy nights

Everything that I never looked at

Everything that I didn't realize was there

Became the only thing I could see

Because they remind me of you

Somehow, these mountains

The same ones I used to dread

Because of hikes and hills and bugs and bees

A lack of people I know and places to see

Started to mean something to me

And I started to see this infinite beauty

Most of it is because of you, though

They wouldn't be the same without you

The sunrises (because the sunsets are bad) are much better shared

The fog is much more mysterious with another imagination

Looking out the window just means something different

With someone to enjoy it with

The older I grew

The more present the beauty became

And I think of how they've changed me

I think of the mountains a lot

And I think of you a lot

<3

When I wake up

I close my eyes

And try to remember my dreams

From the night

Because crazy stuff happens

When my conscious sleeps

And my mind is free

And when I see me

Because I am not true

To who I choose to be

Someone more than me

Someone everyone sees

As Perfect

Because no one is Perfect.

But when asleep

This Perfect me

Decides to think

Decides to breath

And Understand

I'm just a man

I'm not a god

I have no plan

And when I sleep

I can see

That I’m someone

Who isn’t me

So I contemplate

In my bed

Who am I

To my head

I just don't know

So when I wake

I close my eyes

And fall back to sleep

I have a challenge

Describe a feeling like love

In only 3 lines

I’ll start

I will think of you

And immediately smile

Because you’re perfect

Too cheesy.

I can’t stop thinking

I don’t deserve to be with

An angel like you

One sided.

I see these pastures

I’m reminded of your eyes

Deep and delicate

Too broad.

My head is busy

With thoughts of the two of us

I can’t stop smiling

Not enough.

All of these lines fail

To express my true feelings

Because they are words

I tried.

Words cannot describe

These feelings I have right now

Because they are words

Words can’t tell of love.

Dear Aspen,

I know that this letter might be a bit late, but I guess better late than never. You were my first friend, and I never got to tell you how much I appreciate you for being there for me. You taught me how to walk my first steps into this world. You taught me how to speak to someone like they are my friend. You taught me how to listen to others when they needed someone to listen. You allowed me to hold my small head higher than all the big kids, because I could confidently say I had a good friend.

But then you left…

And I don’t know where you went.

So here I am, thanking someone I haven’t seen for over a decade, someone who doesn’t remember me, but I remember so vividly. I appreciate all you’ve done for me, and what you’ve led me to grow into. I appreciate the time we spent on the bus back in kindergarten, where we both learned how to blossom together. I appreciate those memories of you that stick in my mind when all others have been lost.

Thank you, Aspen, for making me into the person I am today.

It’s time to let go…

Men don’t cry

I don’t cry

Not because I’m a man

Or maybe it is because I’m a man

Crying is a sign of weakness

But weakness is vulnerability

And vulnerability is a decision

A decision I decide not to make

I don’t cry

I can’t cry

I try to cry

I don’t cry

I’m afraid you’ll bring these tears

The rainclouds I’ve been storing for years

Maybe I should be relieved

But as of now I’m filled with fear

Fear of commitment

Of emotional attachment

Of this foreign feeling

Called love

And I’ve been secretly hiding from it

Hiding from my friends, my family, myself

Because love leads to tears

Because love leads to happiness

I don’t cry

But I’d be willing to

If you let me

I want to be happy

I don’t cry

I never have

But I know I will

Because you’re here

Because I’m in lo-

I appreciate you

Wow this one is a mess

When I was younger, I’d get too excited over the small things like holidays

I was just a child being childlike, oblivious to everything

I had dreams I didn’t know I couldn’t achieve

I got candy and presents and food and I was happy with just that

Then I grew up, and realized my ignorance

I stopped wearing costumes, stopped eating so much, stopped waking my parents on Christmas Eve

Because showing that happiness was a sign of weakness and immaturity

The cool kids didn’t show their excitement, so neither should I

I still feel excited when the holidays come, although I don’t show it

I want to eat all the thanksgiving food, eat all the Halloween candy, open all the Christmas presents

But I don’t show it because I can’t

I’m not able to because showing emotions is showing weakness

I just want to be a kid again